Addict father - trying to heal

[pup3]

Hi,

I am new to Australia, grew up in a small country with an addict father (he became one when I was 13) and a passive mother - she didn't know how to handle it. Due to that, I took on the responsibility to hold my family together, became a parent for my sister and mum, and I recently decided to cut communication with my dad since he was not apologetic and never realised the results of his actions. My parents split when I was 18.  I am not emotionally stable and I blame myself for almost everything, fearing that I will end up like my parents.

I left my country when I was 18 to study (got a scholarship due to my parents wasting all the family funds - on his addiction), graduated in 2018 and since then I am trying to find myself by travelling the world, quitting jobs and being in unstable situations that feel comfortable since that's all I ever known. I had many failed relationships (3 of them being the most traumatic ones - with one physically abusing me and the other one emotionally which made me lose all hope in humans). I believe that this has to do with how I was treated growing up, in a hostile environment - neglected and abandoned. I also cannot stay in one country for long (I feel trapped).

I am struggling now, since I met a very nice guy that I believe brings out the best in me but I have many doubts and thinking of ending it. I always feel like that when things get serious.

I know I am trying to jeopardise everything and pressuring myself to decide if he is worth my effort, even if I don't know what's going to happen in the future (my coping mechanism is to feel in control, hence forcing myself to decide). My trust issues do not allow me to just go with the flow and I feel like I am drowning. He knows about everything, he is very supportive and listens to me. Why do I still feel like that?

Also, quarantine doesn't help my situation, since I am an extrovert and an overthinker. Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank you in advance 

[Bunniekins]

@pup3  Hi pup3 and welcome to the forums.  My dad was an alcoholic who could be physically and mentally abusive. Had to put up with him until I finally could move out of home to another state. The thing is I went through some very dodgy boyfriends until I met my would be husband who I had 3 children with. He was totally opposite from my father and all the other men I had dated .... perfect. Although we are now divorced we still have a very friendly relationship with eath other. For example he buys me flowers every fortnnight when he comes to pick up my son2 for the weekend and helps me around the house. 

Personally I still have conflicted feelings about my father as fathers are meant to be perfect arent they...... someone that you are meant to feel safe around. My advice is to take it nice and slow, give your bf a chance but do not put up with second best as you dont want history to repeat itself. Take care. greenpeax

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @pup3 and welcome to the forums.  Your journey so far sounds incredibly hard ..... I am glad you have found us here and we can walk along with you on this difficult pathway.

There are other young carers here, some with some parallels to what you are going through.  @outlander is one who cares for her sisters.

I will tag you to another thread for young carers as well.  Only respond where you are comfortable to tho .... 

[outlander]

hello @pup3 and welcome
I don't have any expeience with addiction but I do have experience with being a young carer and someone who has had to step up to take care of everyone including my siblings as well. its really tough having to grow up so fast, im sorry you had to do that as well as get through some really traumatic relationships as well.

have you got any supports like a good gp and/or psychologist? if you don't would you maybe consider speaking to someone about getting some supports in place?

[pup3]

Update: i just married the guy I mention here and we are very happy. Starting our family soon (we already have a dog). My dad and I had a talk and we are fine now. He has been a different man for the past 3 years. Life is good - keep pushing through x