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Looking after ourselves

Mandy1
Senior Contributor

Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

I have been in a long term relationship for 20 yrs - my partner has severe depression anxiety and bipolar II ... intimacy is difficult when my partner is like a zombie in drugs and just not present ... to be honest apart from hugs cuddles and occasional kiss it's totally lacking

I find myself seriously considering alternative ways to find intimacy - with friends or a professional s worker

I feel guilty for thinking of this - however the feelings come back in waves. .. I feel as if I've been repressed intimately for years - I don't want to betray my partners trust ... but I don't want to live a life without physical intimacy - should I talk about this with my partner or not ?

What have others done ? Any advice ? I really feel like I'm in a lose lose situation
9 REPLIES 9

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

@Former-Member gave me great advice in another thread under 'something's not right' -
'Partner with complex PTSD (intimacy issues)'

After considering Darcys advice and the advice of an escort agency I've decide to discuss it with my partner and her psychiatrists and work together to rebuild intimacy as her meds change over in the next couple of months - loving my partner in all ways possible is my number 1 goal - I will be patient as she goes through a challenging time with her meds and make sure she feels safe and supported ... hopefully the meds don't decrease her libido and we can start over in the intimacy arena ... one kiss at a time !

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

Well just an update @Former-Member - I had a big talk with my partner this morning about how she was feeling about our sex life, intimacy, changing meds and my desire to experiment with a male escort ... she was super understanding and we talked for a while - she gave me permission to see an escort on my own as she recognised I had needs not being met and a curiosity that needed to be explored in a safe anonymous environment ... she herself did not want to be involved however was happy for me to talk to her about my experiences afterwards and was keen to share my journey ... she was also super keen for the two of us to go on dates and reconnect our own intimate side of our relationship - she hates the way the meds eliminate her libido and is hopeful that the next meds are better ... so I feel relieved to have a safe path and feeedom to explore it at my own pace without risking my relationship with my partner or without destroying friendships by sleeping with male friends who I would essentially be 'using' ... this way my sexuality is really mine to control and explore - I'm so excited -

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

@Mandy1
I might need to bow out of this thread without prejudice as I can see that my personal values might be a little bit different from yours and feel a little uncomfortable.
Darcy

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

@Former-Member thank you for your honesty - I respect your values and your right to have them - you were very kind to me when I needed help last night and I much appreciate that - our solutions and boundaries are all individual and different and that's just the reality of life - I hope your journey with your partner every blessing in the world x I hope his surgery is a success and that you find the strength to support him through his recovery x

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

hello @Mandy1, @Former-Member , how are you today , sending you lots of hugs and hope you are ok xx

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

Hi Mandy,  I know its been a while but I just signed up and im suffering from something very similer to yourself and wondered how you managed to deal with it and whether you had any advice?

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

@original_fake Well it’s been nearly a year and I have to say life took its own path since that post - my partner ended up in a clinic and my priorities were to keep the household going, hold on to my job and support my partner - a tall order ! ESP when I was receiving coronial documents with details of my step fathers tragic death all at the same time ... I held my s$&( together somehow and got through a really difficult past year - my partner is much more functional now but still struggling with med adjustments and not able to work ... I have exhausted myself with a new role at work and been on stress leave with depression and bad thoughts - I am now on a mild dose of an SSRI and trying to rebuild my energy levels and reliability at work so our household can financially survive ... long answer - but my sex drive has not been top of the list when I’m worried about paying the bills - also escorts are expensive ... I may still explore this option down the track out of sheer curiosity.  However my desire now is to grow my cuddles with my partner back into a loving intimacy that we both miss and need with each other - it’s hard tho as we have both been unwell and stressed and medicated - so like starting again - in fact just last weekend we spoke about our Sex life and a desire to get it back - we agreed to focus on touching and go slow and see how we go ! 

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

Thanks Mandy, This is the first time i have reached out to this platform or any for that matter.  Im in a same but different sitaution my wife of 19years suffers from a degenrative tissue dissorder and we cant have kids because of it which we came to deal with but the last 5-6years its really staring to take hold and while we do our best to be affectionate a lot of our time is looking after her and real intimacy isnt really an option and there is a good chance it wont be from here on in.  We are working with Physicions and others with a long term plan to manage her pain before she will require some aweful surgery.  Ive been tackling with the same things you mentioned but as a male and the stigma attached to an escort and the risks attached with that i just cant bring myself to go down that route.  Im not sure if others deal with the same thing but I love my wife and our life its just unfortanute there is a small part missing.  thanks for speaking to me it helps just talking about it.   

Re: Intimacy - when your partner is absent ???

Hi @original_fake

 

thankyou for sharing - I felt a lot of post ‘reach out’ regret after posting my post initially and worried that somebody might identify me or that I would seem selfish or that I was the only one feeling like this .. and still even feel guilty on and off - but you know what I think now -  life isn’t that simple.  I feel like if my post helped one other carer who loves and is devoted to caregiving for their partner but wrestles with sexual denial its been worth it - thank you so much for being brave enough to reach out - it’s not easy I know.  One thing that helps me is getting a massage once in a while  - it’s important to be touched ... all out of wisdom tonite 🙂 sending you all my understanding and hope u will feel normal and find a middle ground that works for you 

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