Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

Im thinking about your kisses of kissing you and how it felt when we kissed out wet lips touching eachother mmm baby our tounges where as one we where intertwined in a comftable position our mouths where full of warmth and passion,I so want to kiss you right now I so want to see you again I want to see you again feel you again your warmth your mouth your lips soft and moist and warm I wish I could kiss you right now or meet you again tomorow and kiss you agagin and and again Im craving your kisses the feel of your on my mouth theres a desire to kiss you right now thinking about remmembering it the momment when it seemed like the whole the stopped and I could hear was the music in the background,lost in your embrace lost in our own world far away from everything else and just feeling like time stopped and it was just you and just me together,hugging kissing and feeling all those warm special feelings spending time together in a beautifull momment everything changed you changed me for the better you made me stronger and wiser you gave confidence and resurance your warmth your character,I feel like ever since we kissed we part of eachother wher intertwined by the beautifull moments we shared together,desire of the mind of the heart and of the soul your part of me now,I can still feel you only you,I can still see you and only you,I f you where with me right now I would hug you and kiss you never let me go please never let me go ,I trust you I will continue to trust you my source of strength and my source of affection safe in your arms and your arms only Im comitted to you and only you,Im safe with you I feel protected with you,your giving me something that no one else has ever given your giving me freedom,your giving all that you can give of yourself and I want to do the same for you,Im so used to looking out for others but finally I have someone who cares and listens and understands me as an individual someone who looks after me protects me,in ways others havnt so thank you thankyou for giving me this chance to feel and not have to think not have to worry cause you protect me and look out for my wellbeing your with me and I want you to stay with me,I want to be my partner in crime,my ride or die your Joker and Im your Harley I need you ,I want you ,I like you,You want me,You like me and you need me too together we make a wonderfull team of kindred pirits we are differnet yet the same thank you for being my man,Im your babe xxxxxxx

[LostAngel]

Ive gotta live my life the way I choose even if it goes against my good upbringing If I choose to try new things knowing the risks and still thinking with my head but also have a ballance of heart and mind a ballanced mix of being in controll but also letting go,freedom sometimes comes in the most unusual ways remmeber dont please anyone else though cause you can only please yourself,heal yourself,look after yourself, but dont be afraid to take risks that you think about first ,Relationships are about consent as long as you consent because you freely choose to thats the main thing,look out for your safety and when things feel too much speak up and say no but when your ok with things say yes ,say yes to what you want and need,and say no to what you dont want and dont need 

[LostAngel]

for now I need to let go I cant force anything I cant force you to talk to me even if I am ready to tell you yes ,Instead I need to keep my phone switched off unless of course I need to talk to lifeline,but I will try to stay off my phone as much as I can ,Ill still use my computer but not my phone as my phone was overstimulating at the mommnent which has not helped in the least with my unregulated moods,I keep wondering if maybe I do have bipolar as at times my emotions have been so unregulated its like Ive turned manic a few times lately,swearing and yelling and then being in my room alone quiet and sulky at other times,currently I am feeling a bit better mood wise but I need to stop obsessing over you I need to just try to forget you like I forget anyone else for a while ,maybe at least a few or maybe two to give you your space,or who knows maybe its best to stop talking to you for a bit longer maybe ,maybe I should cancel my doctors appointment to get contraceptives maybe I should just forget you and do my own thing and who knows maybe one day well run into eachother at the grocery store or some random place,I let myself get way too emotionally invested too fast and its ben different with you more infatuation than at times I can handle,maybe one day you willl see me at the grocery store and we wont talk cause goodness by the time I give you enough space I wont know what to expect of your reaction to me possible showing up out of nowhere one day to talk to you or at some random place where we might just happen to see eachother I would expect your reaction to be negative Id expect you in a public place to act all calm like oh hi how are you either that or we would yell at eachother in public or cause a scene or Id probly swear at you in anger or we would ignore eachother cause of course Id make evrything obvious while you would just sit there and keep calm and quiet about it I feel in my paronoid mind that youve probly up and found someone else by now and your hooking up with her instead,someone more your type,I need to forget you thats what is best for me,cause if I dont forget you then I will end up starting a riot of rage at your door step which I know you wouldnt apreciate in the least,so its up to me to keep my emotions at bay and rein myself in so that there is quote no public drama regarding our private personal problems unquote,of course if I have ended pregnant because of you well then wed have real problems wouldnt we? of course Im overthinking the whole idea that I may have somehow gotten pregnat while we made out but hey it is what it is anyway where was I with this oh yes back to the whole what do I think will happen if I was to go over to your place that is if you even still live there? um ok heres what Id do if I was upset and went over to your place,I would firstly walk to the front door,then knock on the front door,then sit outside oh no I would probly sit down angrly at your front door and not bother knocking I would just sit there till you randomly walk out the front door then I would eye you a dirty look,get up and yell at your face then leave preceed to leave walking fast while still trying to yell the truth at you,then Id probly get so angry Id cry I would expect your negative reaction to be that you would more or less not care,laugh,joke with your mates afterwoods and tell me to get lost or leave in a temper,On the flip side I could show up at your place calmly,knock on the front door sit down or stand and wait for someone to answer then calmly ask if I could speak to you,then they might say oh he doesnt live here now cause he packed up and moved out all of sudden,or you yourself might happen to answer the door and I calmly ask if we could talk if you have some time to spare then if you said no I would leave and if you said yes I would calmly tell you and briefly tell you my truth of what I feel I need to say based on what I feel you need to know then either things would go downhill from there or uphill from there the rest would kind of be up to you,either we would calmly settle our diffrences by me being open,honest and clear to you or you would ignore evrything I say and do and tell me to leave

[LostAngel]

am I foolish for wanting to see you? am I foolish for wanting to see you again? I know things between us are casual and Im not suggesting we make our casual fling anymore than casual,I just feel Im the one that has to be in saying and showing what she wants and what she wants is just you,just to see you again in person,go for a walk,and talk,she wants you to see the bold side of herself the brave side of herself she wants to take positive small steps small actions to keep this casual thing between us going for as long or as short as its ment to,she wants to just hang out with you keep things casual but just be brave enough to show you that you wont be the one left to do all the work in this casual fling,she wants to do work too,she wants to do what might seem foolish and embarassing ,she hopes your reaction wont be one of anger or negativity because what she truely wants to do though she feels she lacks the courage,what she wants to do is go for a walk to your house,knock on the door just to see if your home so that we can hopefully just talk and hang out like we did before,only this time she wants to have a more improoved positive time together than last time,its crazy to just show up I know cause theres others that live with you,and theyd be like whos this woman showing up at your door wanting to see you but in my mind it feels like the next step that I want to do ,it just takes bravery on my part and the motivation /bravery to walk to your house will you even be home? is it a mistake? will I stumble across something you dont want me to see?,are you busy or out for the day? have you moved since we met? do you want to see me? how will you feel ? would you be suprised? happy? or tell me to leave? are you needing more time and space? or are you waiting on me to make the next move? have you been thinking that I need time and space? to decide about you or to get some of my other issues worked out first? hmmm maybe today I still wont be brave enough to go to your house,but maybe one day I will be brave enough,the only question then will be are you still gonna be there still living there but the time I do take action to show up? or are you just waiting on me ? how much more patient can you be though? youve already been patient as it is,hmm now Im not sure that I can be brave and bold even though I want to so bad,you showed me where you live but I didnt show you where I live,maybe your busy out and about or maybe I should have told you my address too and yes maybe Im crazy for thinking I should give you my address but I cant help thinking that if I had then you would be the one now thinking wether to show up at my door,and for me in a way that would have been easier you showing up here,knocking on my door,then I could have walked and talked with you as we walk together to your place,everything starts with honesty doesnt it? and risks educated risks? Bravery and timing and above all trust which you freely gave to me,you freely gave me trust, its time for me to gradually give you more trust over time,while still trusting myself ,I just want you to see the happy,loud,fun side of me The more I think about it The more I feel the need to go to your place ,to knock on the door and see what happens from there hope you wouldnt mind just to talk and hang out if you have the time its what I want to do and need to do its kind of the only way for me to be sure in myself about our fling and if it was once off or how long it might last,dont worry I dont expect to be long term relationship ,I asure you it can be short term,cause I prefer things short term too,I just need to be more discreet about our secret fling instead of embarrasing you by acting a little too obvious in public in front of people you know,I promise that when I show up to your house no matter what I might find out about things in your life or whatever,I wont make a drama or a scene Ill either hang out with you if you want to or Ill just leave I need to be an adult about this cause I am an adult woman I dont want anything from you except what we both agrred we would do together,I dont expect too much of you but of course I expect so much of myself anyway if things are ment to be for short term then they will be and thats as far as Im willing to look for now,maybe I should just take the risk to either go over to your house or tell you my address just to knock on my door I just feel I want to say yes to you and us and our in the now,in the momment fling. 

[LostAngel]

my safe room would be either my bedroom,curled up in my blankets,a pet cat with me and someone I love beside me,watching netflix,eating snacks and feeling safe and warm or for some reason in my car the ability to drive for a trip and be outdoors but also just watch the world go by as the music plays and my hands are on the wheel driving along as the weather is either sunny or rainy,stopping for a bite to eat along the way exploring and walking making the most of the day its like in my ideal safe room I wouldnt want to be alone,Id want loving company of another person or company of a pet to make me feel safe loved warm and secure,almost in the same way a child needs security warmth and love 

[LostAngel]

felt so bored and frustrated about an hour ago that I ended up telling you my address and phone number,I want to see you inperson again but of course its crossed my mind that maybe your taking things slow for my benefit ,maybe its cause your busy and dont want to overwhelm me too quickly,you did say we would take things slowly build things up slowly maybe its out of care and concern that your giving me space and I am not sure what you could be dealing with currently in your own life, Ive gotta try to be positive about this after all you are still there,your still there on your accounts,you havnt blocked me,you messaged me yesterday which at the time made me feel at ease and also made me feel like your giving me space prehaps in order for me to deal with my own sh#t,your still messaging me once every few days maybe you are just trying to keep things going slow and steady and youve got sh#t to deal with in your life too most likely,I might still try to see you in person maybe tomorow Ill wake up not think to much about it and have the courage I need just to try to see you again and maybe then that would proove something to you cause I want you to see that I am not always shy and stand offish ,Im not always depressed or anxcious,Im not always stressed and it doesnt have a relection on you in the slightest who knows maybe by taking things this slowly your trying to do me some good lets hope thats why things have slowed down a bit,and I definetly need to stop throwing the unexpected at you after all weve only met once and we barely know eachother and yet to me it feels we have known eachother a bit longer,maybe thats why when I am sharing things with you it seems to be my problems or negatives,maybe thats my way of saying that I trust you,but anyway Im not sure where things will go next or if well go forwards or what but if its ment to be it will be for as long as it lasts,our fling maybe I need to take things cooly and steadily like we did in the beggining and its a ballance between wanting to see you but also not wanting to be clingy or scare you off,maybe I need to take a deep breathe for a bit,Ive done something that would seem a bit crazy though sharing my number and address with you and maybe I should leave things there and just wait for you to message again,either that or I am gonna show up at your house unexpectedly either tomorow or when theres been a few more days this week or something maybe later this week,we did message yesterday which was nice maybe I should step back or step forward by either stepping back and waiting or not waiting and deciding to go to your house but then again I cant force you to say or do anything either all I can do presently is get on with my own individual life maybe at least for a few more days and see what happens 

[LostAngel]

slow and steady babe slow and steady we get to know eachother more and more day by day hopefully we are in a sweet spot a sweet spot of time that I dont want to change,this time with you is precious its the little things you do that mean so much to me ,your rich enough,honest enough,your good enough to me your words mean alot right now,last night I was thinking about you before I went to sleep I was thinking of messaging you and instead as if you where reading my mind you messaged me first and what you said made me feel safe,made me feel like cuddling you it was sweet and thoughtfull,you know I like you I really like you your sweet words you helped me sleep soundly thinking of you,dont let me go and I wont let you go slow and steady calm and sweet,you want this to work I see that,I know that,I feel that,and I hope you see that I want to work with you,I hope you see that and I hope you know that,enjoying the momments my special someone we will meet again,your good,your honest,awe your caring next time I see you I want you to see me smiling at you with certainty and I want you to cuddle and kiss me,cuddle and kiss eachother,I want your hands on my back wrap me in your arms,do you know that you have a way of freeing me ,freeing me from fear,listen,talk,give and take,time together,your eyes,your hands your leadership skills,your my equal my man,I dont want to lose you and I can see that you dont want to lose me either lets enjoy this time together

[Shaz51]

hello and hugs my @LostAngel 

hugs @Lostandalone , @Former-Member , @frog , @formaggio 

[LostAngel]

geuss who was saying the F bomb alot last night me,Partially in rage and partically in fear,I got so scared at loosing you that fear turned to an untamed anger and I wanted you so badly last night I wanted you so badly to tame me so scared of loosing you that I wouldnt stop raging and swearing in my own house at midnight because of you well really because I thought I had upset you in some way our beautifull times together have become more intense I would even say passionate to the point my emotions are heightened when not with you,yesterday so intense and passionate and other times calming,do you know no one else has made me feel the way you make me feel,intense,risky,protected,your so good at protecting me I couldnt leave you this time without running back to you for a hug in your arms and a kiss,I had to come back to you,your protective and kind and thoughtfull,I dont care if this kind of way of doing things is wrong,all I know is its right for us to do things this way,in secret,it feels like theres noone but me and you,your protective and I adore that about you just enjoying our fling for as long as it lasts,your teaching me to let down my gaurd,go outside my comfort zone,live in the momment,live in the now,I think theres a part of you thats worried about wether Im happy in all this I am happy with you please trust me too when I tell you Im happy in this with you,I just need to show you Im happy,by my actions more as you show your happy by your actions,I know what we are doing is risky but its worth the risk, I need to do things that slightly scare me,I need to do risky things,break and bend the rules,Ive stayed within the rules for far too long,but your freeing me your freeing me,its passionate and intense,better than I dreamed of and thats all thanks to you,all thanks to your patience,your protective nature,thank you for giving me everything that you can possibly give,Im usual the one thats always giving to those around me,but your different,you take care of me in the sweetest of ways.you are good enough for me your more than enough for me infact,I dont care that your not rich materially your richness of emotion is all I need your my equal your more than enough for me,I like you,I want you,I need you 

[LostAngel]

Goodbye friend,maybe I should just forget you,your messages have stopped the last thing you told me was no rush and I havnt heard from you since then,maybe things like this are not destined to last and I feel its my fault for not being clear to you,yes your still a facebook friend and I could be overthinking but for now I could think so many things about this,maybe your struggling with lockdown,maybe your in some kind of trouble that you dont want me to know about or maybe your getting high,maybe you got kicked of the place you where staying in,maybe I somehow got you in trouble,maybe one day or night youll randomly show up at my door or maybe you wont maybe your going through sh#t so you wont talk to me,maybe yove found another girl,maybe you where using me,maybe your fine and then again maybe your not fine,maybe theres more to you than meets the eye but truely if you are in trouble or theres stuff about you that you just dont want me to know for some reason well thats ok because I kind of felt out of respect to you it was better not to ask you too many questions,I know I put alot of drama onto you and maybe what you havnt said,is whats worse than what Ive been through,maybe you are going with multiple girls who knows,I certainly dont no but then I kind of dont need to know especally if you dont want to tell me which I can tell you dont want to tell me too much about yourself I dont know what to think will I see you again or no,will you show up at my door or no,have you left town I dont know,Have things crashed and burned between us I dont know,Did I scare you off maybe,are you scared of committment or are you genuinley wanting to take things slow as you once told me ,am I the one rushing way too fast and thats why your not here now,I want you here so bad,Ive wanted you to cuddle me,Ive wanted you in my room but so far no clue whats going on maybe yove lost intrest in me,maybe things did crash and burn between us I want you here but you arnt here,Please randomly visit one day or maybe one day Ill see you down town or at the shops,or maybe you are gone maybe you have left,maybe I was being more clingly than I realised,maybe you found someone better,maybe I didnt give you a clear sign,maybe your just busy I just dont know,I wish I could see you and make everything and anything up to you if need be or maybe thats too late,I didnt always treat you the best did I or maybe being absent is your way have keeping things slow,did I say or do something wrong,was I too dramatic and insecure for you,maybe you thought that I didnt care about you and thats not true we definetly had something there was a spark,but maybe we just cant keep that spark going,maybe cause I dint talk enough to you,or I wasnt relaxed enough or I dont know maybe your waiting on me like Im waiting on you,maybe I didnt let you in enough,maybe I scared you cause yes I geuss I have been rushing with you but I dont want to loose you,and I dont want you to leave although maybe you have left or maybe youll message me a week or two later and be like ok I want to see you now,I just dont know,anyway Ill just have to keep waiting for now,and if you dont try to message me or call me or visit well then I will know or Ill wait like two weeks or a week to try to mesage you,post to you or call you in some way,either that or write you a leter if your still at the same place  and if then theres still no reply or anything well then Ill still know wont I Ill know soon enough one way or the other,wish you where here now,in person so we could just talk but your not and I cant wait too long for you either