Cutting out Family Members

[SillyGooseSays]

My husband and I are in the complex process of cutting out his mother. His mother is Biploar and Borderline. Like a frog in a boiling pot, we didn't really notice how far past the line of acceptable her behaviour was and kept excusing it due to her mental illness and tolerating her in our lives for the sake of her being family. Now she's done too much damage, we are trying to cut her out of our lives, but his mother has done everything possible to her to impact our lives negatively and punish us for cutting her out.

While it is all impacting me greatly, my husband is not coping as well and is really depressed and anxious and is having a really hard time not responding to calls and texts and emails from his mother and I think he is really affecting himself by regularly "getting back on that rollercoaster" everytime he speaks to her. 

The whole constant rollercoaster of emotions is impacting our daily lives, moods and performance at work and our studies. I am trying everything I know to support him and reading about cutting family off and how that is a trauma for people in itself. I would love more recommendations on books on cutting off family and would love to hear people's personal experiences on how they have felt and coped with the experience of cutting someone out. 

I am also looking for other things, maybe a support group meeting in Sydney, Australia for people with BPD family members or family estrangements. As we don't want to talk to our friends, I think it would really help if we could talk to other people living through the same thing. My husband feels really alone right now.

[tyme]

Hey @SillyGooseSays , 

I know you mentioned you are in NSW, but this may be helpful if the sessions are online for Carers https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/education-training/training-for-the-community

[BaggyJeans]

Hi @SillyGooseSays - I just wanted to reach out and let you know you aren't alone.

I cut my father out of my life a couple of years ago. I have a lot of trauma from him and I found that the most cathartic process I managed to do was have my say. I laid it all out on him - held him 100% accountable for his actions and say no more, and never spoke to him again. I'm not saying this is easy or the best way, or even the ideal way, but it's what helped me. I got everything off my chest and then I closed the door for good.

My partner has also cut out their parents and sibling. So our family is us and our chosen people. Our circle is small, and our peace is more important than anything else.

[tyme]

I guess there are many others who have chosen to cut someone out of their lives as a way of protecting self @BaggyJeans @SillyGooseSays . 

No one can say you have done the wrong or right thing as only you know.

I know I have shared this in the past, but for me, I cut myself off from all family for many many years. This was not because I hated them, but rather because I needed space to heal. I couldn't have them 'interfering' with my recovery as I needed to work things out for myself... then, in due time I reconnected with them and I'm still connected to them today (at a distance).

You know what is the best thing 🙂

Sitting with you.

[Who-Knows]

Hey @SillyGooseSays 

I cut all my biological family and all family friends out of my life at the end of 2023. 

It is hard and you and your husband aren't alone, at the very least you have each other. (Sorry for the typo - dyslexia is a bitch) 

Speaking from my personal experience, it was hard to cut my biological family out. They crossed so many lines and for me took someone external to my family pointing out that what they did to me wasn't ok. 

I am still surprised and conflicted by the greif and sadness I get from cutting them out. And I'm still learing how to process this in health way.

Have you heard of the ball in a box theory around greif? It helps to explain how feelings of grief change over time and can continue to be triggered at random moments (words in italics copied from the internet) 

The grief and sadness about loosing the relationship is valid. So is the happiness or excitement of not having that person in you life any more. For me it was very conflicting holding two feelings towards the people I'd cut out. The sadness that I had lost them but then the joy of knowing I wouldn't be judged and manipulated by them any more. 

Trust your instincts, you've come to the decision that this is what is best for you and your husband and it sounds like a decision you've both but a lot of time and thought into. 

From experience it isn't easy but it is worth it. 

Always here to chat is you need 😀