Lived Experience Forum

[maulihua]

Hi, basically my title says it all.  I suffer from BPD, bipolar, CPTSD, plus the usual side effects that go hand in hand with these diagnoses, depression, anxiety etc etc.  I’ve struggled for a long time now with suicide ideation and have had many attempts at taking my life.  I have just lost my very best mate to suicide so now my issues and thoughts are even harder to contain.  He was my lived experience support, we knew each other inside and out, as if we had grown up together. I feel like I’ve lost my world, my whole body is numb.  Ive retreated to my home, even cancelling psych appointments, not answering my phone, i just cant talk to anyone at the moment, the grief is so strong.  I’m looking for what I’ve lost and that was an ear to just hear me and sit with me.  Now I’m not really sure why I’ve written this intro, i guess i just needed to cry out to the world and not feel alone. 

[outlander]

hi @maulihua  and welcome 

im really sorry to hear that you have lost your best friend, he sounded like an amazing person. sending hugs and my condolences. 

Well done for coming here and reaching out for support even though i can imagine how tough it wouldve been for you esp in the mindset your currently in. 

 There are many people here who im sure will be willing to lend an ear whenever you need too. 

also please have a look around and join in wherever you like as well. a little forum tip is to put an @ before a members name, this way they will recieve a notification that your talking to them 

[Maggie]

@maulihua  I’m so very sorry to hear about your loss. That is a really tough place for you to be in right now.

I don’t think I have the right words, it’s a deep deep pain you are feeling. All I can offer is, that we are listening to you and hearing you. Please take care. 💞💞

[Peonies]

Hi there @maulihua, 

Welcome to the forums 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am very sorry for  your loss. It sounds like he was a really important person in your life. Grief and bereavement is a long process and it might take sometime for you to process it. And that is okay maulihua. Please remember that you are not alone and we are all here for you on the forum 💙

Have you considered chatting to someone (instead of talking) about these feelings? May we suggest the SANE Help Centre ? We have counsellors who can chat to you via web chat or email from 10am to 10pm (Monday to Friday). 

Take care, 

Peonies 

[maulihua]

@Peonies. Thanks for your suggestions. Yes I have previously sought counseling and it's still ongoing but I don't feel any better after these sessions. It's like I take a step forward in recovery and 5 steps back, every time there's light something happens to darken my skies again. Makes me feel helpless and hopeless.

[Otter]

Hi @maulihua ,

It's been a few days so just checking in and dropping you a reply to see how you are going?

Our moderators and members and whole community absolutely see you and are here to support you.

Much care and kindest regards,

Otter

[maulihua]

@Otter   Thanks for the check in.  I wish I could say things are better but in fact it's getting harder, every time my phone rings or dings for a fleeting moment I think it could be my friend then realisation sinks in.  I find I'm isolating myself more and more, I know this is not good but I have no energy or desire to change.  I'm told this is normal after a loss and to wait it out.  My thoughts of ending all this pain are getting stronger to.  I want someone to take all this pain away from me, not going to happen I know. Thanks for the support.   

[Maggie]

@maulihua  I’m really sorry things are feeling worse for you. I understand the extra need to isolate.

Sitting with through this difficult time. I know it’s not the same as in real life, but at the moment, maybe a substitute. Sending warm and caring thoughts. 💜💜💜

[Amour_Et_Psyché]

Hi @maulihua 

I hear that the battle is ongoing and no-one can take all the pain away.  I hear how much grief and despair you are feeling. I understand that counselling sessions have not met your needs in the past. However, if your thoughts around ending the pain and suicide become too intense, I genuinely recommend reaching out to a crisis service for emergency support (e.g. Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service and 000). Unfortunately, the SANE Forums do not have the capacity to provide that kind of support. Nonetheless, you can of course keep chatting here and getting support from others who have been there. 

Take care of yourself @maulihua 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

[Peonies]

@maulihua 

Just wanted to check in on how you are travelling today? 🙂