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Andrew1
Casual Contributor

Too late?

Hi,

I'm new here and it's probably too late but I really need some support. I have been in a relationship with the greatest girl in the world for nearly 2 years now. Unfortunately she has bpd, bi polar and ptsd... the holy trinity of mental illnesses. Things were pretty good until May this year when outside stresses pushed her into a downward spiral of depression and an ongoing bpd episode. Despite the fact that she had given me so much information and direction on how to deal with her when she wasn't well, I still had no idea how to deal with her when it hit and just kept screwing up time and time again until she broke up with me today. When she got upset with me over little things, I would argue to defend myself until we had a major issue. When she was suicidal I didnt know how to help so I would go to work and leave her alone. Writing this now I feel like the worlds worst person and she did the best thing by leaving me

7 REPLIES 7
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Too late?

Hello @Andrew1 

There is a lot of grief and shame when we realise that the ways in which we have responded are perhaps not "best practice" and that we could have done things better.  I have found that the best way to deal with regrets are to take responsibility for what we have done/not done, doing what we can to apologise (without attributing any blame to her), to offer reconciliation and accepting the outcome after doing so.  It may be an apology might need to be accompanied with an offer to go to family therapy or similar. Your partner may or may not accept the apology, may or may not resume the relationship, but owning your actions and doing what you can do about them is a part of growth. I think that it is important to remember that none of us are perfect and that no matter the outcome that you can become a better person as a result of what you are presently experiencing.

 

 

It may be different for blokes, but I found it so much easier when I had a specific role to play in relation to my husbands MI, I actively became part of his team, supporting him in ways he felt appropriate; this is different for everyone. Yes, you do need to self care too, so important to have some of your own interests so you do not become overwhelmed.

 

At times it is hard to live with someone with mental illness and I found these carer statements written by Brad Hoefs to be most helpful and as I started putting these things into practice which have been really helpful to me

 

  • My loved one’s mental health challenge has also left me feeling helpless and hopeless. Therefore, I choose the help of others in learning about the disorder and choosing healthy boundaries for myself.
  • I haven’t always responded to my loved one’s mental health issue in ways that were good for the relationship. Therefore, I choose to learn better ways to communicate with, support, and encourage my loved one.
  • At times I don’t understand my loved one and can allow them to either wallow in their excuses, or push them too hard.  Therefore I choose to learn healthy, appropriate ways to contribute to my loved one’s recovery.
  • At times I also feel hopeless, letting my loved one’s actions and recovery define my happiness. Therefore, I choose to live with healthy emotional boundaries, and I choose my own joy despite the ups and downs of my loved one.
  • I, too, have been part of the cycle of dysfunctional living, either thinking I had all the answers or thinking the problem didn’t belong to me. Therefore, I choose to submit myself to learning new behaviors and taking responsibility for my own healthy, balanced living.
  • At times, I have viewed myself as a victim of my loved one’s behavior and disorder, living in resentment, anger, unforgiveness, or self pity. Therefore, I choose to separate the disorder from the person I love, forgive and let go of the past, and live as a contributor to successful recovery.
Tiggeroo
Senior Contributor

Re: Too late?

Hey @Andrew1 ,

it's never too late and kudos for reaching out! 
I 100% agree with @Former-Member about owning your actions. It's how we learn. Loving someone with any mental illness isn't easy, and there definitely isn't a "... for dummies" guidebook to help us. It's hard mate, and we can't get it right all the time.

All you can do is own your actions and ask how to do better next time, If your partner is willing. If they aren't, that's their business and nothing you do or say can alter it, so own and accept that too.

 

One of the most important things I have learnt is self care, admitting that I am going to make mistakes but I am willing to learn from them is a big part of that. If you did what you could at the time, that's what matters, was it great? Maybe not... but how do you do better next time... that's what really matters

 

Tigz

x

Re: Too late?

Thanks everyone for your support. I am trying to balance my self care with giving my partner the time she needs and working two jobs. I am going to talk to her today about moving back in, I just hope I'm strong enough to give her what she needs. Even though I have only been gone two nights it feels like forever and at the same time not long enough. I feel guilty because I actually enjoy having the time by myself while she is in pain because we have broken up and even her taking me back is out of desperation because while I know she loves me as much as I love her we both know that we haven't fixed anything and I  will most likely hurt her again but she still needs me. I feel like an abusive partner even though I know I have never hurt her on purpose

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Too late?

Let us know how you go @Andrew1 . 

 

 

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: Too late?

How are things @Andrew1 

Re: Too late?

Not good, she told me to move out and packed up my things. She has given everything to me that symbolized our relationship including the ring I bought her when we first got together. I haven't seen her take that off in 18 months. I am getting  counselling but I think she has wiped me. 

Re: Too late?

She has one question that I needed to answer but couldn't. "Why is it so hard to be my friend when I'm not well?" When she's good (most of our relationship) she was the best friend, partner, lover, everything I could ever dream of and more. Being a good partner and friend to her was easy. It's not fair on her that when she needed support and a friend I couldn't be there for her. I don't know why I couldn't .

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