Lived Experience Forum

[Usagichan]

I feel like I want to change the direction my life constantly seems to be going (hurt, upset, unacheived goals) but do not know where to begin.
Abit of a backstory on me:
Im a 33 year old mother of 2 boys (9 & 8), have been married to my husband for 10 years (but together for 15years).
I struggle constantly with nightmares/visions of sexual trauma I experienced as a child and not long after dating my (now) husband I started to struggle greatly with anxiety and self confidence.
Our marriage has not been a happy one. I was in and out of work in the early years, and this resulted in me never being allowed to buy things. All money was controlled by my husband, and this also included any money or gift cards gifted to me for birthdays ect.
I wasn't allowed to buy shampoo or female hygiene items, nor was I allowed to go on the pill. When I fell pregnant (planned) I wasn't allowed to buy clothing so quickly had nothing that would fit me.
For all of these reasons...and it upsets me to admit ... I did not want a second child....my husband forced the pregnancy on me. **Please be aware this does not mean I love me second child any less, it was just how I was feeling at the time**.
3 years ago my husband had an affair. When he admitted it to me he made it all entirely my fault. The year following was probably the worst year we've spent together - I was constantly put down, ridiculed over my appearance, told I wasn't pretty, lazy, don't acheive enough ect ect
2 years ago he started seeing a psychologist. He has since accepted alot of responsiblity for his past actions, and apologised for them.
The financial control has stopped (although I still struggle greatly with the concept of buying anything). The putting me down has also stopped.
The one thing that hasn't, and is incredibly hurtful is any new disagreements that come up, or when something goes wrong in the house ect - it's still always my fault. His natural defence is to quickly pass the blame over to me and deny involvement.
This leaves me feeling so powerless. Part of me wants this marriage to work....the last 2 years felt promising....but the constant blaming (even if after the fact he admits it was unfair) I can't deal with anymore.
I want to walk away.
I want to stop feeling this way.
I don't know where to even begin.

[Eve7]

Hi @Usagichan  and welcome to the forums.

You will find lots of lovely, supportive folk on here and several with similar stories /,experiences to yours.

Have a look around the different threads and you’ll find social ones that are a bit more lighthearted as well as more serious ones.

A forum tip is to put @and you’ll see a drop down menu with people’s names just as I did before your name.

I’m feeling for you today as you are in quite a difficult situation. Do you have a counsellors / therapist?

Take care

💙🦋💙

[Powderfinger]

@Usagichan 

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure you know that since the start of meeting your now husband, you have been submitted to quite a few forms of domestic violence. It us completely unnaceptable at any time. The fact that he has sought out therapy, is taking responsibility and has stopped some of the types of abuse is quite amazing. This is a very rare occurrence with domestic violence perpetrators. 

In saying that it does not excuse nor justify his past treatment of you and his current treatment of you. 

I can highly recommend 1800 respect. The national domestic violence support line for women. They were and have been fantastic to me in the past. They really are great. It is completely up to you though, if and when you are ready. 

[Maggie]

@Usagichan  Another welcome from me.

I would suggest going to your GP and asking for a mental health care plan. Finding someone to talk this through, and unravel, might be helpful.

It’s definitely NOT your fault. So many of us here have been in similar situations. It’s draining , it’s confusing, it’s abuse.

I understand the feelings of not knowing where to begin. You have taken a brave step in reaching out here.

Take care.

[Former-Member]

Hey @Usagichan, thank you for sharing your story with us, and welcome to the community 

It's awful what your husband has subjected to you to - you deserved none of it.

It sounds like you have a powerful drive to want things to get better, and to have a better life for yourself. It's amazing that you know you want this, and I encourage you to let this guide the future actions that you take 💐

I'm hearing that you're simply not sure what to do next- I'd like to provide some options which hopefully you find might helpful:

• The relevant family violence hotline for your state (list here) which can assist with referrals to help safely leave relationships
• Blue Knot counsellors provide support to people who've experienced childhood trauma & abuse
• SANE's Help Centre is another option for support and referrals.

You're showing great strength in being here and being determined for your life to be better - I genuinely wish the very best for you moving forward  Take care