Saw our daughter this morning. Had arranged with my wife to just let our daughter come outside when i arrived so i would not need to see her. i explained how much trouble i had regulating without her and rather not confuse myself again with her. Not because i was angry but because i loved her and it had been really hard breaking away from her. She understood and did not take offence. i picked up our girl and all went well doing that.
However a little away towards our destination red light came on. Car was overheating. i had not checked anything, only just bought the car a few weeks after my wife left me. So no choice but to turn around and go back our daughter's place and get some water.
Anyhow come back. Lift the hood could not find radiator cap. i had forgotten my phone i had no idea how to put water in the radiator. So i was forced to ask my wife for help. She came outside and was scanning the web on her phone from me looking where it could be. i while i lost it at the car manufacturers hiding that bloody radiator cap, desperately trying to find the stupid thing. Stressing badly her there.
Instantly feeing the old sensation of my wife's displeasure come down upon me her standing next to me. When she had first come outside before i had felt a little her insecurity but overall her beautiful open peaceful spirit, that had been hard enough. However we worked it out after some time.
Our girl was great and she had a milkshake and chips and me a coffee. And then of the shop a little shopping for the Weekend for me. And then of to the harbour for a walk on the pier.
We were almost at the end of the pier - about 200-250 meters when the first waves of anxiety came rapidly increasing into the familiar stress pattern. i walked us back quickly with our daughter happily looking around. It had been good to see her so happy and relaxed. She sure looked well and had been very excited to see me. Then the nausea hit hard just before we got to the car. i told our girl i best take her home.
Driving to her place the anxiety pressed harder and harder. i found myself becoming insecure looking in the mirrors constantly. Yet when i noticed myself doing that i let the anxiety be and focused on getting our girl home.
One of our grandson son's was visiting my wife, i saw driving up her place. Our daughter sawe it too and as she hopped out happily called out to our grandson. The envy struck hard how my wife with the kids behind her, had also automatically gained all the grand kids, while was ignored the bad guy who made her unhappy and she had to get away from - seeing no one. Only 5 months ago they all loved me. Very hard moments.
So i quickly took off back home. Struggling to regulate my mind. Yet within minutes the nausea became pressing very hard as well as very severe paranoia bouts came down pouring on me.
I drove home fighting not to go be overwhelmed by the paranoia. Nausea hitting hard time and again - it felt almost impossible to drive - but i did not dare stopping either. i knew this was not good. Yet i was far to paranoid to dare and stop - i knew i had to get home and fast.
Struggling not to put my foot flat on the floor to get there faster. i knew it was still 20 minutes down the road to get back home. The trip was gruelling but i made it. While driving i remembered struggling 35 years ago in the same fashion. Then i used to drive home in this state when i had overdone it at work - which happened often. Not at all understanding why i go like that apart of i overdid it. i also remembered how happy i was then still and secure in the love of my family.The trip back i felt very ill, terribly anxious and deep inner grief at the loss i had suffered over the years as well as the years of torment that had proceeded it.
It turned out ot be a very hard day for me
