Poem

[heartathome]

Well, now that's been spoken about. What's the next subject @REDLINEZ750 😆 

I'm glad the psych gave you time to ground yourself! It's good she didn't try and tell you what to do at the time. Did the rest of the appointment go well? How is the SANE group going? 💛

[REDLINEZ750]

hi @heartathome 

sorry i just responded on christian chat what looks like i already said here i apologise if im repeating im a bit behind and not quite with it at moment

i hope your well, i mentioned your camp over there too so wont do it again i will hopefully see where you post response and follow on from there my friend 😊

[heartathome]

Just wanted to say goodnight before I drift off into sleep land @REDLINEZ750 💛  

[heartathome]

Missing you @REDLINEZ750 I hope you're okay! 💛

[heartathome]

Where are you @REDLINEZ750 ? What's happening? Are you sad? Is Pooky okay? 

 

[REDLINEZ750]

im sorry my friend i got some big changes happening and been lost in the whole thing im a bit scared and being stoic on the surface, talking with you has got me back with God which is linked to it all and i am so sorry i got lost in time then i didnt know what to say because i missed how your glamping went then i felt bad and just my head then get negative like i dont deserve  good people all i do is hurt them and i just got on because i have thought about you often and got all twisted till now i had clarity that im being selfish and i thought about you and realised i just want say hello i hope you had good experience on weekend im sorry i also dropped by quickly to bunniekins and i havent read anything im gooing now i hope to talk through day if i havent disrespected you too much i havent read anything just wanted to lsay hello i just realised how i would feel if you disapeared for days i missed my group on friday i was there couldnt get in tried chat here tried ringing got on hold i had said something on another thread night before i  thought id get judged for and i dont care about being judged i care about how i react and getting in gtrouble on sane and then these changes i tilted my default is im bad and im in trouble and when i like people like you it hurts me when to think i made them angry so i make them angry by hiding vicious circle you shouldnt of been exposed to.

this is pookys why did you take helmet down and  put leather jacket on face

im worried about seperated from him for months  on top of it all 

im sorry @heartathome i havent said hello  sooner

psalm34;18

i missed you and i am sorry i caused anyone to worry

[heartathome]

I am crying @REDLINEZ750 I'm just glad that you and Pooky are okay! Thanks for getting in touch! You're not being selfish! We have to do what we need to do to stay okay. You've obviously got a lot on your plate at the moment. I don't want you to feel you need to be stoic when you're on here with me. I've been thinking about you a lot and have been sad not to see you. I'm not angry. How can I be angry with you? I'm relieved! Why do you have to separate from Pooky? Can you tell me? I've missed you as well!! 

Glamping was fun. It had a queen bed, side tables, a kitchenette and aircon. The only thing that was missing was a toilet. I found a small bucket that worked brilliantly throughout the night! 😆I liked having my privacy and got involved with what I wanted.

I gave my testimony to a young couple who asked me. My pastor asked if I would give my testimony in church. I said no. There is so much stuff, I wouldn't know where to start. I might try and write something out at a later stage. 

Thanks again for getting in touch! 💛

[REDLINEZ750]

im deeply sorry for wetting your cheeks when you only ever bring warmth to mine@heartathome as you have now.

its not fairly balanced i return bringing tears  to the table and you bring grace.

i do not mean to cause you any harm im not able to go back and see old posts or i risk falling again if i see how many times its looked like i ignored the other good people in our forum circle.

my consistence  being kind to myself left me ungaurded against what pssychologist calls my  punitive parent who took the microphone when i spoke about kids i relived things unsaid in the post  then went straight to sleep as was already tired and woke up feeling i was stupid, pathetic and bad parent and now everyone knows and  the thing is im not heartless im the opposite but i never said i havent stopped loving them i will send this now so you know im here  i just deleted over an hrs of typing 😐

i just need finish on next post dont worry im not going trigger anything this is whats happened and whats happening it will be brief just points and if you are curious about any of it i like it when you ask questions  now you have an idea my answers are sugar coated....

just quickly thanks again for being kind

to be continued...........

[REDLINEZ750]

i had a friend over 20 yrs  was closest to me id known longer than my kids.

australia day 23 she asks me to visit i couldnt be bothered she got her kids involved i was just being lazy so i made the  trek.

when we were both laying in her back yard in a thunder storm after some turkeys getting drenched we got to know each other a bit better and the next 6 months were happiest i remember being .

i was over a year completely abstinent from drugs and excessive  alcohol first time since 14 and a freak incident happenred that im still medicated for and  too unstable to  work since.

then i had to move only not getting full wage, triggering at anything and anxiety was crippling me she said come live with her until  sort yourself out.

i didnt want too  said what choice do i have she owns hers and i can take dog at the time and cars so i did.

kids got nose put out i wasnt in Sydney and always with her . when  they learned i was going be 10hrs away they were in her ear behind my back saying are you sure you want live with dad ?

we havent seen dad like this you know what hes like if he snaps aye?

hes never  hit us but we are all scared of him  sort of shit.

bad dv past  she  known my kids whole lives she starts splitting.

 i couldnt do anything right anymore i was behind everything wrong and she was being more aggressive.

i honestly love her cant even swear at her let alone yell so when her anger escalated i walk away thinking its best move.  it wasnt.

day came i was triggered  couldnt process or regulate emootionally (no excuse)  taking every word to heart, want to ask whats going on but stuttered.

i  hated the stutter it only started with meds and she mimicked it when iwe were in car. 

i  threw phone in my hand like a flicking motion at dash split sec not to break it but still threw it  instantly pissed at myself .

 im devistated at my failure and she says your no different to any of them she cant trust me anymore she doesnt know who i am anymore and now my true colours come out emotionally im broken she says  no wonder them kids are scared of you and snapped me out of defenceless.

i said you been into me since we were there whart the fucjks going on she wouldnt tell me.

  it was the end of us even as friends i got discarded and im back  sydney living in a garage with no water.

she says doesnt want me at her house if shes not there

im  shattered days earlier she was looking  at me with her eyes a light and under my arm now im not even trusted, from a shared bed im  on a concrete floor with a jug and single mattress and still love her.

she tells me  i cann go get some things i hire a van while . loading stuff knowing its last time im in those walls  tells me ive destroyed the friendship hopes im happy.

it cut so deep  i got clothes and some sentimrernytal stuff and snake. to  my last apology the last thing i heard her say exposed the betrayal.

nearly finished sorry im rushing through

[AuntGlow]

Thank you so much for sharing this with us @REDLINEZ750. 

It sounds like this was an immensely painful and triggering time for you... it's so incredibly heartbreaking when someone we love hurts us. 

I am wondering, with everything you have just shared, how can we support you? 🥰