it was winter thankfully now i contacted old numbers around sussing out shower options.
one of them options ends in the beast with two backs and eventually.
my kids used to always get upset i didnt know thier birthdays i told them remind me how hard is it and you only know birthdays coz of facebook im not on face book but noooo its a problem the significance is they know im living rough and im shattered at loss of my friend and what thier role was but im back in sydney so who cares right, on my 50th birthday with allm this they decide to not acknowledge it so i know how it felt so i spent it alone in candle light having a few bourbons i didnt give them what they wanted but i took score.
end november get asked do something,
nah cant be bothered, its an uproar i never do anything for them im this im that the ungrateful *&% the normal speel only now im taking score.
from that not invited to a birthday or housewarming party i put fence up for to save them couple grand.
over christmas i had a month without therapy and they want to demand i show how much i love them by buying them each a present from the shops i tell them grow up stop being wankers im told not welcome for christmas not wellcome at thier homes stay away from the grandkids.
im told no wonder ...... didnt want you with her after she saw your true colours.
too far. anyone else would of been dealt with i dont gotta be where im not wanted dont matter who you are and the lines already crossed now its been crapped on.
christmas spent same as 5oth.
boxing day spent in friends bed after a shower and during the night some shits offered i think why not having a good time its been 8yrs ill be right so i took some.
didnt enjoy it at all but felt my emotional tension and anxiety lighten like i dropped a load i didnt realise was carrying.
I find a home, alcohol and pot were creeping back daily so went into rehab for 30 days got out feel good a few months ago coz i dont gotta worry bout Pot in system now i run into city start buzzing intercom one at a time see who open gate so i can get to sons door in building
they all blocked me and i burn everytime i try call so im here to look youngest in the face and see if its what he wants i will respect it. im not here for trouble.
im going through this intercom i hear dad what are yiou doing leave the nieghbours alone been watching you through intercom.
said if you werent a dickhead wouldnt have to whats going on he opens gate comes over gives me hug says im sorry dad.
TW: mentions schedule
we talk he tells me he been in a hospital on schedule after feeling no one loved him. there mum passed away just before lock down he watched it consume her im taking it in not reacting not commenting being shredded inside but giving him room and space get through it and leave on good terms.
i cant shake whats in me since hearing he felt unloved and it activates flight on bike which isnt cool just lose complete control of emotional and mental health even the pan meds arent helping i end up back where i spent boxing day and got the release i remembered.
thought i knew what i was doing and had it under control.
thought it was helping but if it was it soon wasnt and im in a hole ive been assesed and accepted by salvation army and start detox very soon which is really scary and im not allowed my little lion whos at mty feet.
thats it thats the key points with a whole lot left out
god i hope your not thinking now you know my true colors i been too busy banging it out if you had told me stop i didnt know but now i will. eeeeek
i hope your ok sorry it took so ;ong to write im not going hide ok
this is my song thats beautiful when everything else seems ugly
Flight Facilities - Clair De Lune feat. Christine Hoberg
