I don’t know what to call this

[Former-Member]

Hi,

I don’t know what to call this post as it’s MH related but also about gender identity (which is NOT a mental illness). 

im feeling very low and alone. Yeah I have complex MH issues, trying to work though complex trauma. But I’ve also started questioning my gender identity. I’m married with kids and grandkids and in a conservative or rather homophobic, racist... community. 

Ive lost people, my job etc when I became ill and I am confused about my gender identity but also so so scared to lose who I have left. I don’t think the people who supported me so far, will stay, and that makes me feel hopeless. 

Ive always tried to show the strong face and hide my past. I don’t know if I should keep the facade up and deny the questions I have about my gender identity, I feel crushed when I think about it. I am so confused now and sick to be myself, I want to erase myself.

i would just like to know if there’s anybody else out there if feel so incredibly alone.

[Teej]

Hi @Former-Member ,

whilst gender identity issues have not been part of my experience I do have empathy and a listening ear. I have known of a couple of people go through this. From my understanding it takes a good therapist and lots of talking things through in a vulnerable way to work through this. I understand enough to know it’s really complex. Have you got a good therapist to work through this stuff with. I understand you put it in a not mental health box which i see is true but  I also see working through these things as something to improve your identity and therefore mental health too. 

I hope you get some responses from members who have the experience of questioning their gender identity. I’m so sorry you are in a conservative area. I wish I could wave that magic wand for you. I can hear the heaviness of all this.

I have a feeling I’ve made a dogs breakfast in writing this due to ignorance. I know that I’ve possible used the wrong terms but the empathy and support is here for you. 💜😊

[Former-Member]

Hi @Teej 

thank you for your message and support.

i have a therapist, but there is so much on a day to day basis, that it’s so difficult to spend any amount of time on all. We try to improve my daily life and being present. I also have a MH group I go to. I don’t know how much I can handle anymore. I went to sleep and felt disoriented when I woke. Sometimes I don’t want to talk anymore. 

[Ali11]

No experience to drawn on @Former-Member, but sending love and support all the same. The point @Teej made about understanding yourself helping with your identity and confidence is a good one. Hoping that someone else on the forums has more insightful advice to offer, but you're doing the right thing in reaching out and there is no judgement here 

[MDT]

Hey there @Former-Member

I hope you getto the bottom of this one. You are person, an individual and a unique personality. Your identity is your "thing". If that makes sense.

Do you think that talking it trough - even just a bit might help? Bottling this stuff up can make us worse for wear.

I think you love your kids and family, and you are also going through a period of questioning your identity atthe saem time. I don't think that these two things are at odds with one another. Sometimes when we are under mental duress we can lose perspective and our shift in how we weigh up what's going on around us will chanee too. So long as you keep remembering this then I think you'll get to the bottom of it.

Also remember that the expectations of those around us (community etc) can get warped when we are under mental duress. I had a period of about two years where I was worried a lot about how I met expectations - only to find that they were myths anyway. Just a perception that I had. Nothing more. What people think and what we think people think can, often are, quite different indeed.

Stay safe my friend

[Teej]

Doh 🤦‍♀️ I knew I would write something goosey. One can’t improve their identity :face_with_rolling_eyes: but maybe understand themselves better and have more confidence with who they are. 

@Former-Member I know what it’s like in therapy when you just manage to do the day to day life stuff. That has been so many of my sessions over the past 7 years. I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to explore the identity stuff more too. Best wishes 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Teej @MDT @Ali11 

for all your support and wise words.

@Teej there was nothing that in any way offended me x

i understand what you’re saying about being under mental duress and how the world gets warped. I wasn’t well at all this afternoon, but made it back home and went to sleep. I can’t say the confusion has gone but I don’t want to die anymore. So often I go to bed and hope I won’t wake up. But I’m trying to stay alive during the day. I hate it when my mind goes into shut down and I’m glad I can share with you how I am and get your warmth and support. I wish that one day I will be able to give back.

[MDT]

Stay safe my friend @Former-Member

[Ali11]

Checking in on you @Former-Member, hope you had a better day today.  

[Former-Member]

@MDT @Ali11 

Thank you so much for checking up on me. How are you? Im coping. Some clear moments.