Lived Experience Forum

[skyburial]

I'm not formally diagnosed with anything, but my mental health treating team have mentioned schizophrenia.

I am apart of a youth mental health support group, I think they help with psychosocial things or whatever they are called, have been for 3 years. Recently (late May) they decided to have group outings.

These groups are causing a literal moral dilemma for myself, I have issues with interacting with others, I feel its immoral/unhealthy to do so. Recently these feelings have become "fact" in my own head, so instead of it FEELING like its immoral/unhealthy, it becomes a law of the "being" in some sense, I acknowledge that it's not like that for other people, but for some reason that's how it is for me.

Going to these groups is like watching a beloved animal die and choosing not to do anything about it. It's really dragging me down. Everyone I've told about my dislike for these groups just says, "You'll get used to it : < )" or "Interacting with people is good for you : > )".

I want to go to these groups, because I've never had friends in my 24 years of life, but the feeling/line of thinking is disparaging, mainly because no one knows what it is ,what is causing it or if anything can be done realistically. To top it off, there is this person I'd like to be friends with but I don't know how to navigate feeling/thinking like this and actually being a person that is considered "beneficial" (I don't know what other word to use?) to another person. I've had people that liked me in highschool and we'd occasionally play PC games with eachother but I didn't interact with them all that much because of these feelings and I proceeded to ghost them as soon as school finished for good, and I feel really bad about doing that, but I saw no other way of staying sane.

The feeling/line of thinking is vague but it causes lots of discomfort. And it's getting worse. Everyone says that the groups are a good thing, but my "truth" says otherwise...

[Gwynn]

Have you ever talked through your "truth" with a decent psych? It might be time to air out those beliefs, even though they are very strong.

[jem80]

@skyburial 

Have you considered talking to your mental health team about the feelings you are suppressing?

I have found that the behaviour and temperament in a mental health group is different from a community group. If you would like to spread your wings to find new friends, taking part in community social groups is another way.

If you like the groups you are going to is there a specific reason why in your mind that it is immoral and unhealthy?

When I have made friends it's not about a trade off or how I can benefit them or how they can benefit me, it's about enjoying each other's company with similar interests, likes or hobbies.

[MrX1]

Hi Skyburial.

You talk about these group meetings as feeling immoral or unhealthy. Lots of people think of immoral and unhealthy in different ways. Have you thought to yourself what immoral or unhealthy means to you. For example when you think of immoral list the ways you believe something is immoral.

If the group doesn't fit ALL the points you have listed could that maybe mean it's not totally immoral and worth giving it a shot to find out if it is a fit for you.

The same with unhealthy, list ALL the criteria or ways you believe something is unhealthy. If the activity doesn't hit your benchmark on ALL points maybe it could be a little healthy and something you can try without any guilt because they don't hit all your benchmarks. If you try them and don't like them then you'll know you just don't like them. Not because they are immoral and not because they are unhealthy but simply because you don't like them. If you end up liking them great, they haven't hit your benchmark for immoral and unhealthy so you can't feel bad about it, you just enjoy it. Remember write a very detailed and thorough list of what you believe immoral and unhealthy mean to you before you apply it to your outings.

[skyburial]

@Gwynn 

I have not seen a psychologist about this, but am currently seeing a counsellor for it. 

[skyburial]

@jem80 

Tbh, I don't like going to the groups, but I just go to seem "normal" to the people involved (parents, psychiatrist, etc...) 

I've mentioned the feeling to my treating team and they don't seem to understand. It feels/is immoral/unhealthy as it akin to doing something profoundly wrong, that's the best I can describe it. 

Yeah, I meant "beneficial" in the sense that my company would be poisoning to certain degrees, I coudn't get the wording correct. Tbh, I don't think ill of myself it's just me putting the experience into perspective. 

[MrX1]

I'll tell you something the easy way. I took the hard road and would beat myself up constantly, listen to all the people with there negative comments and make myself feel worse. I would do things I didn't want to do so work colleagues wouldn't think I was strange.

Then a family friend of over 40 years said to me, "there are all different kinds of normal and because I had an mental illness it didn't make me abnormal or less normal than anyone else- it just made me human. 

Don't sit quietly pretending everything is ok. If it's not tell them until they listen. When they ask "how are you going" don't say "ok". Because your not, you are struggling and my heart goes out to you. Don't sit quietly raise your voice and be heard. You are as important as every other person on this earth and deserve to be treated that way.

[jem80]

@skyburial 

Have you tried community based groups based on your interests? Like an art group or a walking group or a community outing group?

I don't believe that your company would be poisoning. I understand that it's difficult to make friends. You get to choose how much you give of yourself. You can set the boundaries yourself about how much you devolve to others.

Have you thought about it yourself in depth what it is that you find immoral or unhealthy? Can you specifically identify what it is that you find immoral or unhealthy? Is it the people? Is it the environment? Is it the activity? Is it nervousness about forming new relationships?

Have you considered adding a psychologist to your mental health team to help devise some strategies?

[skyburial]

@jem80 

I haven't thought about joining a community group, due to this issue.

I've thought about what is causing this issue everyday, and the only thing I can think of that contributes to it is one of the deadly sins, Pride, but I have no clue at what capacity is holds up to the issue, it just feels like that is a possible cause of it. (mind you, I'm not religious at all, which is weird.) But overall it is very vague, I've had this issue since I aws in preschool, but only once I left highschool it started to bother me immensely.

I've seen psychologists very briefly, but they all left for their own endeavours in their career/life. I got along with every psychologist but one and I've seen about 6, again very briefly, about 1-2 months each before they left.

[jem80]

@skyburial 

Its not uncommon if you see multiple clinicians, it's happened to me as well. Have you thought about trying to find a clinic that has a long standing psychologist? You could ask up front how long they have been at the clinic.

What is it about your pride that is holding you back?