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Something’s not right

FigBell0917
Senior Contributor

Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

Welcome to hell or so they call it.

 

They say those with borderline personality disorder feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Tonight is one of those lows.

 

I am sitting on the couch still crying after crying hysterically after I found out my grandmother (who raised me) is in hospital. My family did not want to tell me it was only on an off chance that I found out.

 

I reached out to find out what was happening to be told that I am fucked up, I deserve my mental illness, I only think about myself and no one else, that I have brought this upon myself and that I am going to rot in hell. Charming I know and this is why I made the conscious choice to not have any part of them in my life.

 

I grew up disassociating in order to protect myself from the trauma I was experiencing. It was easier to dissociate than to endure the pain that was being inflicted on me. I finished high school and went on to obtain two undergraduate degrees, two masters degrees, and own property and have travelled the world (I promise I am not tooting my own horn but I wanted to provide perspective). I was given some amazing opportunities and have been blessed until I was told at my previous employer that those with mental illness are unreliable, have poor judgment and are not trustworthy and not to mention they breached the privacy act and disability discrimination act. I was working a high profile role in Canberra.

 

I have lost people who I thought were friends and have had to live through my darkest nightmares as I undertook a DBT course at a psychiatric hospital. I now see a psychologist/psychiatrist regularly and have commenced a new role at a new organisation. Those nightmares still exist and the thoughts don’t disappear but I have learnt a new way to manage those feelings even though I desperately want to tear at my skin right now.

 

Despite this, I am proud of where I am today.

 

In spite of all of this, the comments, which were made to me tonight about my mental health, are NOT OKAY. I want you to know that if comments such as this or any negative comment towards your mental health is not a reflection of you. It is a reflection of those making the comments, the poor judgment, which they may have, or the small mindedness and lack of education. Remember it is NOT YOU. 

 

I am proud to have a mental health disorder, I am proud to have BPD. I am a good person with a good heart. I have the ability to have a level of empathy that others may not have. I can ride an intense wave of emotions and still get up each day to take care of my three fur babies and myself. I have strength and determination and a heightened perceptibility. And you know what this makes me, it makes me, ME, and for that I am proud.

 

I want you to be proud of yourselves too. Know that you have an amazing strength behind you. Don’t listen to the negativity. Stand tall and as much as you may have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows know that you are pretty damn special. Nobody can take that away from you.

 

You have got this.

29 REPLIES 29

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

Hi @FigBell0917 , thanks for sharing your story with us.  It really resonated with Me.  I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother and the way your family have treated you.  It's frustrating when people close to us don't understand the diffuculty of MI.  You sound incredibly strong and a wonderful person who has made the most of life and you should be proud of who you are and everything you have accomplished. 

 

I hope you have the time to look around the forums and contribute to discussions if you are comfortable doing so.  You have a wonderful message and people here probably have a lot more understanding and compassion than most people in general.  You can tag people by putting a @ in front of the name so they get notified of your message.  Happy to tag you into some of the social threads if you like. 

 

Look forward to seeing you around.  Take care.Heart

 

Gazza

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

Hi @Gazza75 

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my thread.

 

I really appreciate the kind words that you have written. I am glad that my story resonated with you. I do hope that it will resonate with others too. As I wrote we should be all so proud of ourselves, from the smallest tiniest part of our day to our big accomplishments. MI is not a choice but kindness is, and when we break we also heal and what is better than saying I fell apart but I survived.

 

I read the threads daily, and I feel I am now at a point in my life (at 28 – it has taken me a little while to get here) where I would love to support others even if it is writing a thread or letting someone know I am thinking of them. I am very passionate about advocating for MI, and would love if you could tag me in some threads.

 

I look forward to reading the threads, which you tag me in. I hope that you are well and that you have a beautiful day. Smiley HappyHeart

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

@FigBell0917, it definitely resonated with me and I'm sure a lot of other people on here to.  You have done a lot in 28 years thats for sure 🙂  Your definitely right about MI not being a choice. 

 

I don't have much experience with it, i was diagnosed as bipolor 2 after a manic episode last year.  I spent time in a mental care unit and have been stable since.  I think I'm still healing and dealing with it.  Slowly trying to come off meds as the side effects on me are terrible.  I don't have much support with family and friends, but, I've found some comfort in being on the forums the last few months.

 

I am glad you are at a place where you can help others and also advocate.  I feel at a similar point. I've talked to some of the 'leaders' where I work and have been pleasantly surprised at the support they have given Me.  I work for a large corp and its been reassuring.  Just remember where here to support you if you need it to 🙂

 

I hope you can spend some time with your grandmother by yourself if thats what you want to do.  I really feel for you and the way you found out about it.  I'd be pretty dam upset if people did that to Me.  You definitely deserve more respect and care than that. 

 

Thanks for your reply, have a wonderful day and take care. 🙂 Heart

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

Hi @FigBell0917,

 

So sorry to hear that happened to you; it sounds devastating on all accounts.

 

It is incredibly strong of you to channel the the pain you must be feeling into a way to reach out to others. I don't know what else to say, other than your words were touching and I appreciated them.

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

Acceptance not Ignorance

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

People don’t understand
What they can not see

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

@Gazza75 – It is fabulous to read that you are stable. I hope that you found the time in the mental health unit beneficial and it is unfortunate about the medication. I hope that the weaning off the medication is not causing you any trouble and that it makes you feel better. I was fortunate to be referred to a great psychiatrist and for I have medication that works and assists me with remaining stable in conjunction with the DBT skills.

 

For the first time in my life when I attended the DBT program at the psychiatric hospital I felt accepted and understood. It was an amazing experience for me to meet others that also had a variety of MI and to be in an environment where we could support each other.

 

I am so glad to read that you have been supported working in a large cooperation. I find this reassuring, as I have commenced two weeks ago in one after leaving federal.

 

Thank you for your kind words re my grandmother. Words such as that mean a lot to me. I have made the decision to not go in and visit my gran at this time, as family members will be there. Family is my primary trigger and when I disassociate I can get out of control. This is not beneficial for my gran or me. Unfortunately this behaviour and the language that was used towards me are not uncommon from my family. It happened when I lost my papa (who raised me with my gran last year).

 

As hard as it is I had say to myself ‘love yourself kiddo’ and with that and time I learnt that I was sad and ashamed of those who feel the need to judge without knowledge and that spread hatred instead of love. I made a decision to put myself first because this is what I best for me. I would love to see my gran, but for now I will be thinking of her every minute.

 

I hope you had a great day and enjoyed some sunshine. Smiley Happy

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

@Lise07 – Thank you for your incredibly kind words. I appreciate you reaching out to me via this thread and that you found my words touching. This means a lot to me.

 

Sometimes all someone needs is to read or say I know you are doing the best you can and I believe in you, that wherever they are right now that they are worthy, always. I hope that I can reach this message out to others.

 

I hope you have had a fabulous day, and again thank you for your kind words.

Re: Welcome to hell or so they call it - BPD, negativity and being proud.

@Jhaneylena– You are correct in writing people don’t understand what they cannot see. I agree with this whole-heartedly and it resonates with me very much. It is the primary driver behind why I want to keep advocating for MI. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, but we cannot let those who judge those with MI and let their ignorance stop us from living the life we deserve. What is their weakness is our strength.

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