07-10-2019 09:22 AM
I have so many confusing feelings, but I know one thing for certain.
This makes me a terrible person.
My work stress makes me a terrible person.
My personality makes me a terrible person.
I am rude, and mean, and disrespectful. Out of line, totally. In retrospect. Not in the moment.
Then, the people I need to apologise to don't show up to work the next day, and I can't. And even when I do, it's not going to be enough. Then people will talk about how horrible I am, and was. I go on for as long as I can, attempting to conceal my anger and frustration, my rage even, until it bubbles out and someone sees me roll my eyes, or get angry. I know they saw, I see their face turn red or they stammer. I know they are upset or angry. I know they want justice or revenge. They probably told their friends or the boss. Punishment is coming.
Why can't I just be good? Respectful all the time. I try and try and I fail over and over.
Everywhere I go, schools, relationships, work...eventually the real true authentic me comes through and people don't like what they see. The worst part if the majority of my bad feelings come from the stress of not being liked, rather than concern for their wellbeing. My first instinct is usually they were dumb, or annoying, or this process sucks, or whatever it may be. I can acknolowledge in some situations for the most part, it's my fault, and they didn't deserve it. This time they didn't deserve it, but most of the time, I take their hurt and it becomes a pity party, knowing people will talk poorly of me, and that is the part that makes me sad. My reputation is ruined, and cannot be repaired, woe is me. Often the issue blows over, but sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back, and the only cure is the affected person leaving my life. Which luckily sometimes happens. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it's fake friendly life until the bitter end.
Why can't I give myself peace? Why am I like this? Why can't I just stop? I make all of this pain for myself. I do my best to remain totally silent, neutral, do and say nothing and have no opinion other than lighthearted and eventually I crack open. The harder I try to remain quiet and dead, the more frustrated I get. I suck at social interaction, 80% of the time, and some days I am so angry and tired, I know I won't be able to interact successfully...but I'm stuck doing it anyway. Sitting through the meeting, wanting to rip at my skin knowing any second I'll just growl at someone.
I can't get a new job. I can't do it. If I did, i'd be getting formal warnings about my attitude. Everywhere I've gone in my life, I've gotten punished for my attitude. My poor attitude, my inability to cooperate. I can, I just crack sometimes and it all comes tumbling down.
I don't know how to make it right, but if I had my way, i'd walk out that door and never return. It's for the best for everyone and they can all finally be happy without me. I bet the new girl would be funny, and friendly, and be at their brunches and club nights, the things I don't enjoy and never would be included in, because I am inherently a bad person. I can acknolwledge and understand that. But, I don't know how to stop.
Counting to ten doesn't work, I react and make mistakes in miliseconds. I don't even know i'm doing it, or why.
Meditation doesn't help.
Mindfulness doesn't help.
I have nothing that can piece me together other than denial.
I'm so bitterly unhappy. But any change will make me sadder.
I haven't got it in me to pretend to be better. I can't wake up and do my hair and makeup and be a real woman at another job. I show up here, rotting from the inside out.
07-10-2019 10:13 AM
I'm sorry @2qwerty it sounds impossibly hard.
Is there any area of your life where you feel some relief from the work %*@# ?
07-10-2019 10:18 AM
07-10-2019 10:23 AM
I have felt like that sometimes @2qwerty
Shame is the pits.
One reason I like the forum is that people here don't lay it on you ... I do a pretty good job of it on my own.
You do sound like a strong person to me, for what it's worth.
Have you seen the Brene Brown talk on Netflix?
I liked it.
07-10-2019 11:09 AM
07-10-2019 08:57 PM
I suffer from intense and anguished rage most of the time. It makes me abuse alcohol. I am currently reviewing my anti-psychotics to see if I can get some better relief from the endless rage.
Whilst I feel for you, I feel I should warn you on two things. 1. One's rage and anger is no-one's responsibility but one's own. (Mine is a result of chronic, psychological torture and child abuse during my developmental years so it's not my fault. But it's my responsibility). 2. Rage never wins, you will always be the 'bad guy', it never pays to express rage.
I was unemployed for 7 years due to my mental illness. Be wary of that, I don't want that to happen to you. I was bullied in the workplace and was also accused of being too unapproachable, even tho I did my best to withhold and conceal my rage but it was me who ended up unable to perform in the workplace and unemployed. It is only anti-psychotics that got me back into work.
If you have a rage problem like me it is a serious brain dysfunction and ridiculous suggestions like counting to 10, breathing or meditating, or expressing your rage in any way such as hitting a pillow, will only add to your frustration & rage. Don't listen to people who tell you anger can be productive and give you motivation, they have never experienced serious, chronic rage.
The only thing that helped me is anti-psychotics. I hope you find something helpful. Have you got a good psychiatrist? Have you tried meds?
On being a bad person, I don't think I'm a bad person. I know I'm a good person but also an unwell person with the incurable, degenerative brain disease of schizophrenia and that rage is a symtpom of that & too much child abuse.
07-10-2019 09:36 PM
Hi there. You post such a frank and courageous account of your mental illness and the impacts it has had on your life. Your description of schizophrenia is certainly stark and vivid. It is great that you are able to contribute in this way. For anyone wanting to read more about schizophrenia here is a link to the SANE fact sheet.
regards Whitehawk, Forums team
10-10-2019 04:50 PM
@BryanaCamp I don't have a psychiatrist, no.
I'm just extremely disillusioned with life, everything sets me off and is frustrating...but I don't think I need anti psychotics to cancel that out. Medication is not my answer. Also don't think I want to know about the condition that stole my childhood from me (parental figure had it) I had to confirm for an adult that there was infact NOT a demon in the room with us multiple times before I turned four years old.
10-10-2019 10:18 PM - edited 11-10-2019 01:28 PM
@2qwerty I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time.
For background, I have major depressive disorder and severe anxiety which prevents me from working (and has for some time). I’ve tried a few psychologists - and thankfully have found one I connect with. Thankfully, my Psychiatrist has been a blessing throughout. I’m a lot better now, but each day remains a challenge.
Even though there is a different flavour to everyone’s issues, a number of things you mention resonated with me and my experience. Shame, self-loathing, worthlessness, anger, frustration... all horrendous stuff. I share below some thoughts that have helped me. Hopefully they help you.
We are all gloriously imperfect humans. We all have our scars, shortcomings, regrets, mistakes - and that’s ok. We’ve all invariably done our best in whatever circumstances we’ve found ourselves in. Those circumstances include the day to day pressures of life, as well as the impulses we might have felt in the heat of a moment (and whatever history, habits, thought patterns and beliefs may have contributed to those impulses - many of which may not be your fault and/or may be unconscious). However, @BryanaCamp is right. Ultimately, regardless of any contributing factorsthat may be beyond our control, no one is responsible for our actions but ourselves.
What’s awesome is that you’ve identified things you want to change! Not only that, you’ve reached out for help to change(on here)! You’ve actually already kicked 2 huge goals (though I doubt you’ll feel that way yet - but try to stay with me!).
The next step is working out how to start making change.
I really encourage you to get professional help. If you’ve tried before without success, or didn’t like their methods, try someone else (my first 2 psychologists/counsellors didn’t work for me, but the 3rd one is great). If you can find someone you “click” with, it could be an incredible support and help you get on a more healthy path. A great place to start is your GP.
Your GP can help determine whether a psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor (or a combination) may be of benefit. They can also recommend individuals and provide the referral(s) you’ll need. [You don’t need a referral for psychologists or counsellors necessarily, but it’s usually cheaper if you have one because of how Medicare works].
[Btw, just because you see your GP or a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you will need medication.]
A good next step might be, within the next 7 days, making an appointment with your GP (even if the appointment itself may not be within the 7 days). Then get to the appointment on time.
If you find that daunting - get a friend or family member help you to make the appointment and then keep it (or even go with you). You don’t have to do it on your own.
But please get it done - or work out and take another “next step” - otherwise nothing will change.
You mentioned feeling “inherently evil”. That is a brutally awful feeling. You’re not btw, but because you won’t believe me, here’s a thought that helped me. Instead of being “inherently evil” and feeling like I had to “fix” myself, or change in some way to be even remotely acceptable (which is how I felt) - the idea is that we are all “inherently good” at our core (not inherently evil at all). It’s just that sometimes our inherent goodness gets buried by not so good stuff. If we can clear away some surface gunk, we’ll find our inherently good core is still there (always has been and always will).
I liked the idea of the goodness already being in me, just hidden, as opposed to not being there at all. I figured finding something I already had was easier than becoming something I wasn’t.
So what does “inherent goodness” look like and why might we have it?
Picture a 3 year old girl who spontaneously dances across the living room simply for her own pure joy. (Not to impress anyone). No thought, no plan, just pure impulse. She’s lost in the moment. Gloriously oblivious to the rest of the world. Spinning, skipping, twirling and reaching to the sky. Having a wonderful time! Pure, innocent and absolutely gorgeous!
We were all once (even if only for a fleeting moment!) that delightful child. We were all born with that goodness, that purity, that innocence inherently inside us - and it’s still there, at our core. We couldn’t get rid of it if we wanted to. It’s just been buried - often for reasons we don’t know about or don’t understand (which is why professional support/help can be so important).
We’re not evil, even if we might look or feel like it sometimes. We don’t need to “change”. We just need to rediscover and reconnect with our inherent core of goodness. To find it under whatever crap might be piled on top of it. We don’t need to change the crap into something good - we just need to get rid of it (with help).
So, perhaps try the idea that you are “inherently good”? You don’t need to change or be fixed. You just need to uncover your dancing 3 year old.
If that’s too much, try the idea that you are prepared to consider the possibility that you are “inherently good”. Or, that you might be prepared to consider that possibility in the future. Any move toward that thought could help (by taking you away from the alternative, even if only a little).
I really hope you take another step towards a healthier path and start felling better soon. You’ve done so well to get this far. Sorry if my response is long, but it’s because I’d love a part of my experience to help you if it can.
Either way, best wishes and take care.
(And call your GP 😉)
12-10-2019 11:17 PM - edited 12-10-2019 11:18 PM
Thanks for the response, I'm sorry, I didn't get a notification about your message. @Got_the_tshirt
Professional help just makes me feel more isolated, to be honest. It's a rather large disruption for little payoff. It costs money, and I honestly don't use it the way I'm supposed to, but also don't understand it, either. I'm doing it, and i've been there and done that. I have been carrying a second referral around for months upon months, and I've yet to call them, cause it's just another place to go to. I can make a doctors appointment, I can talk to them...but I don't want to. Cause I already have a referral and doctors are the worst. The lowest of the low. Plus they'd expect me to book a long appointment, and charge me accordingly. They're vultures. Even with medicare, it's disgusting. Their time isn't worth that much. Never was.
I've been identifying what I want to change for my entire adult life, and I've never come close to fixing any of it. I've been going over these complaints for a long time. I circle and circle, becoming more and more lost the older I get. I've hit a new level of blank, realising...this is it. There's nothing else. I don't have the power to overcome anything anymore. Not even a Monday.
I maxed out my medicare benefits for the year, and have an appointment in a month and a half, which I will be paying full price for. While I don't dislike going, it doesn't do anything.
I lost my innocence long ago, I don't want to remember being 3. It just makes me sad. I don't have a huge amount of memories, but the ones I do have trigger everything else. I've always been the odd one.
I don't really know what's wrong anymore. I've just feel blank. Unsupported. Everything is wrong. Empty.
People say get help. But the help is just empty, too. Go to a GP so you can get a referral and then wait months to get in to see a psychologist that ends up being meh anyway, then to pay them, leave and do it all again two weeks later.
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