Carers Hints and tips to Success

[Daisydreamer]

Thanks for tag @Shaz51!

[Shaz51]

@Serezza  , @Lookatthesea71 , @EmilyS , @ExBPDParent , @Scoo , @Sophie1 , @Smc @Friend , @Alianore , @Susa , @Krishna , @Alicat , @mooma , @Iona @Bridget1 

Topic Tuesday is on tonight called 

Topic Tuesday // Self Care for Carers // Tues 20th July, 7:00-8:30PM AEST, click on to the link to see 

[Serezza]

Thankyou @Shaz51. Can these still apply to me? I won't be a carer for much longer as my MI husband wants to heal without me. It hurts that he doesn't want me as part of his healing process, he's already chosen someone else who didn't go through those hard times but "makes him happy". I guess this says to me I'm not really deserving of happiness. There's no success for me, I'm already a failure. 

[Shaz51]

You are not a failure @Serezza 

And yes we still need self care for us xxx

Letting you know that you are not alone my friend 

@Faith-and-Hope 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Serezza and welcome to the forums 👋

I had a narcissistic husband.  There are distinct patterns to this particular MI that are identifiable - 'love bomb", devalue, discard.

Like a cat-and-mouse game they can keep you oscillating between the love-bomb and devalue stages, switching backwards and forwards between them, or supporting other people to devalue you (triangulation) and their primary damage is to destroy your self esteem ...... they drink of other people's distress, devotion, dependence, adoration and servitude.  They can suck you dry.  

They can also be very subtle about it for a very long time to keep the game going, but there is nothing subtle about the discard stage.   

Maybe speak to a counsellor and see whether this picture fits your situation, because if it does you will need support to regain your self-esteem and confidence.

Pile on the self-care Hon.  It's not selfish - which might be how you were made to feel - it's necessary, and it is a big part of the antidote to that sort of toxicity.

Take courage @Serezza.  You are not a failure.  You are enough ❣️  And we are here to help you find yourself again.

[Serezza]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope  for that outline. How bitter it was to read that and feel that it certainly sounds like it could apply to me and my MI husband! I never thought of him as a narcissist but his worse self definitely is. The problem is that all these years I've been counting on his good side to overcome, I've been waiting for that side of him to win the battle. But especially over the last six months, I feel loved when he wants sex, I guess that's the "love bomb" but it's definitely been a period of where I was constantly "devalued" until it hit its peak in the last three weeks and you are absolutely right, there is NOTHING subtle about the discard stage. And now, I have this endless supply of adrenaline that seemed to have come out of nowhere, I've lost my appetite. But he's sleeping like a baby and is as fat as ever. There should be a warning sign on men with mental illness. And I just can't sleep. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hearing you @Serezza .....

One of the addictions in our situations was wirkaholism, so I was a 'work widow' for many years ..... aka he left all the parenting to me while our children were in their formative years, to which I now say 'thank God !'.  Then we sold our business and the devaluation games began in  earnest, with 'positive' chaos and excitement as much as negative, which was also all part of the mask.  And an ED that were from over to highly restrictive patterns with food, and from no exercise to obsessive - night to day.  Mild control strategies became major.

Can you work wth a counsellor who specialises in NPD ?  One golden rule appears to be that it is a far better outcome for you if you can leave ahead of the discard, but it is also essential to have support, preferably professional support.  Only those schooled in narcissism can. Truly understand.  Those who are not simply get played."

Hugs n hugs @Serezza ..... take courage in small steps.

[Serezza]

Thank you @Faith-and-Hope I'm grateful for you having been there before and therefore a comfort to me now, although I'm so sorry that you underwent what it looks like I may be going through right now, that my pain now may have been your own at one time. 

What if it is too late, and the discard stage has come to pass for me? What will that mean for me? 

In my relationship, I'm the workaholic because he doesn't work so I have to support the family. I get criticised for this by him but I don't know how to explain that I would have loved a husband who took responsibility of me and the kids so I could spend the time with our kids. He has trauma surrounding learning disorders and my education level is higher than his. Our son's education level has already surpassed his so I have to be the one assisting his learning anyway and I feel so guilty I don't have the time to help make him a stronger student. Although he's displaying some of the learning disorders similar to his father, his grades are above average in most of his subjects, which is the best that I can do while juggling work as well but I have no time to address the potential learning disorders which I feel so guilty about. And all my husband does all day is play on his computer with his online gaming community who he treats much better than us. And then when he says there's a woman on there who helps him forget his problems and trauma, who helps him be able to laugh as to imply that I couldn't do that wow I feel so devalued hey. He is now making plans to heal so he can be a stable person for her, and I don't think anything can surpass this betrayal. When I have put my needs last, waiting for his good side to overcome his narcissistic side, waiting for the signs of healing to come, only to see them finally arrive but alongside an intention to deny and refuse me any of its fruits. I'm a fcuknig mess at the moment and the hardest part now is making sure I grieve in private, to protect the kids. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I will tag you from another thread that is more about this topic @Serezza ...... it will keep this thread focused on self-care - but don't worry about that ..... it's all part of the sorting ourselves out process ❣️  The important part is communicating about what is happening fir you, and reaching out.

The thread is here, for anyone else else struggling with the same sort of situation:

Eating disorder and more - need a shoulder ….. 

[Shaz51]

@Mumslove, @MumNeedsHelp 

thia thread here might be helpful to you xx