Hey @outlander I am sorry I didn't get to this reply earlier.....so many people are doing it tough this year. My doc was saying he has never had a year like it, with so many of his patients in hospital, several times!
Looks like I am going back into the ward myself for a medication adjustment in December sometime.....it takes so much stamina to live with a MI, because at the end of the day it is physical, we do not speak of patients with dementia as being mentally ill, we accept the brain has changed physically, but we regard MI to be merely psychological and temporary or a sign of weakness.
So are you going to attempt to change any of your treatment, or treating professionals to recover from the flare up in your condition?
Caring Corn 
Thank you for your steady presence and interest in me @Former-Member, I really appreciate your time, even if I can't reply immediately.
I am semi-Ok, having some over-sensitive side effects that are very unpleasant so need a med adjustment. I was hoping my doc would let me drop the dose a bit at home to see if that is the magic key, but because I live alone and had my first major depressive episode this year he wants me on the ward.
I don't understand why I am so hyper sensitive in every single way, but I have always been like that, my poor doctor didn't know what he was getting himself into when he took me on.
I have to go back to the hospital in December. Even if I am only in 9 days, that takes my annual tally to 4 months in hospital this year, a third of the calendar, so as you can imagine it really hurts your confidence. I am taking it as an opportunity to do some family counselling and introduce my other sib to my psychiatrist and talk about the way forward now that my relationship with my mother is over.
Its a lonely journey, its like I had completely different parents and a childhood that existed in a parallel universe to theirs.......but I am still here somehow.
I just try to remind myself that they tried to exterminate me - and failed. Miserably.
Life experiences and potential have been stolen from me, but I have somehow managed to pull off a stubborn survivorship, even if I have a permanent limp.
Thanks again,
Cuddly Corn
Yikes @Corny
Side effects = 😵
Risk v benefit = a balancing act
Admission for adjustment = sensible
Family counseling /psych education = often worthwhile.
Being a survivor 🙌.
Is there a little something that has brought you joy this last week? The attached opera aria played by animals had me smiling.
I understand what you're saying @Former-Member . I am willing to accept some side effects, but not others, and I am accepting that I have to go to hospital, it is what is best for me, my family and my doctor. I have been on the other side of MI and I know how stressful it is, so I don't want to ever put my sibs through that and have them sick with worry, it isn't fair.
I get a lot of joy being an auntie @Former-Member and I love hanging with the kids, they crack me up. I got lots of excited butterflies in my tummy this week buying their Christmas presents, and one of the cubs got their first love letter at school last week that was adorable. And my other sib is getting a puppy next year! He has been ordered and I will get a lot of joy out of him.
I don't know why I get so many side effects and other patients are like sponges they can absorb huge doses with very little side effects. My tummy is the locus of a lot of my health problems so maybe it has something to do with that.
Thanks for the link!
Corny
no worries, theres never any pressure to respond. thankfully this yr is nearly over and I hope the new yr will bring much better things for us all.
I hope the medication adjustment will go smoothly and work well for you with minimal side effects. mental health is exhausting.
my condition? are you referring to mh or my new physical ailment from surgery?
Thanks @Maggie for your understanding. It is a big ask for a doctor to reverse my childhood, I understand how hard it is, and I don't expect him to be a miracle worker. I will comply and stagger on with my limp that some people may consider unattractive and undesirable, but I see it as an injury that I never asked for.
I have accepted that I will need treatment and monitoring for the rest of my life. I have done 11 years of therapy and I know in my hearts of hearts that I try really hard & put in a lot of effort. I also try to be considerate of the impact on my sibs because I have been on the other side and have no delusions to how draining & worrying it can be at times.
So naturally I am still human, and I am a little sad that I have to go back on the ward. My Doc was honest yesterday and said MH is so unpredictable and I can't promise you you wont be there at Christmas. I accept that. Realistically Christmas has historically been a hugely triggering time for me and who knows where my mind could go, so it is best for me and the family that I am receiving care at this stressful time of year after all the events that have been revealed.
It takes so much stamina to live with a MI and cPTSD because we were given such little sustenance and love to draw on during hard times. It's like trying to draw energy from something that was never filled or available in the first place. I guess that explains a lot of the emptiness we can feel. Disconnected, and unattached at birth makes for a nervous and unsure wee little Button.
Big hugs @Maggie moving is the pits, so stressful.
Corny
Hi @outlander I didn't realise that you have recently had surgery, sorry for not keeping up with that, I don't read every thread. But sounds like the recovery has not been smooth sailing and that there have been some complications. Really tough when you aren't in a good place mentally to begin with. We take our bodies for granted until something goes wrong.
Go easy on yourself, I hope that you have good medical professionals that are receptive to what you are telling them and will try their best to fix or ease it.
Corny
Hi @Former-Member there are definitely a lot theories and hypotheses being thrown around. I think that there are many biological pathways to MI and that for some people the gut may be it, or at least antagonise their symptoms. I think I may have read something on Keto and MI and that one theory is that cell metabolism in people with MI may be different.
My doc is really into pushing nutritional psychiatry as one of the many things that work together in synergy to help keep us stable. I think every individual is so different and that we really need nutritional plans designed for each person. The science is still very incomplete. I often wonder what effect my stubbornness has had on my health. I went GF and DF about 15 years ago. Imagine walking into a GP's office in regional Australia 15 years ago and saying "when I eat a sausage roll with tomato sauce my head and thoughts feel funny, I am just not right". They thought I was an idiot.
But then I was reading an article on a researcher in the USA that explores cats and schizophrenia, I can't remember his name, but he's also done research on non-celiac sensitivity and MI.......and I was kind of proud of myself for ignoring the doctors advice and trusting my gut 
and cancelling both gluten and dairy out of my eating plan for life. There's still lots to discover.
I can't imagine living without rice, I eat it most days so Keto and GF/DF is a little overwhelming but who knows what the future holds, maybe one day my doc will try it and give it a whirl and see what happens.
My sib only has a very small place and can only get a lap dog, so she has ordered a Cavoodle. Very exciting.
Corny