Im at my wits end with my daughter

[olmate]

Hello ...Im new here

I dont know if im in the right thread for this post

Our problem with my 25 year old daughter (who still lives at home) is going into its third year now

She is on medication for depression and anxiety

We first realized there was a problem when we got home one day and got a phone call from someone saying our daughter was sitting in her car with the engine running unconscious,it turned out she was intoxicated

For the first 18 months she tried to hide her drinking but now she just does it when she feels like it.

she doesnt just drink until shes pissed, she buys a bottle of spirits and sculls it then shes unconscious so its not like shes enjoying a drink

she has been taken to hospital on numerous occasions after passing out

she has been on life support twice ,she crashed her car during another bout,lost her licence,went missing in Melbourne on her own pissed, we found her pissed at Dandenong hospital recently(we are from the country) and to top it off she started a new job today and was found unconscious in the toilet pissed so it was another ride in an ambulance

We are at our wits end

She has done 2 stints at dayhab Ferntree Gully

She is a compulsive liar and wont even admit to drinking

After each episode she carries on as though nothing has happened

Her doctor has been changing her medication recently to try to get the balance right but i think she doesnt take the medication at all, shes 25 going on 16 if you know what i mean,its like its all of us ganging up against her

A bit of background for you.......My wife is a social drinker I dont drink due to health reasons but alcoholism is in my family history

I was a heavy drinker but when I gave it up I had no withdrawals or any side effects of any kind,I dont get the urge or feel the need to drink at all (its been over 2 years)

So any HELP on where to go from here would be appreciated and I will be more than happy to answer any questions

[CherryBomb]

Hi @olmate 

Welcome to the Forums.

It seems like things are fairly chaotic in your home with your daughter living there, drinking the way she does. I can imagine that it's been quite a roller coster for you - she sounds pretty on and off with attempting to change her drinking behaviour, going to rehab and then leaving only to start drinking again. Can I ask what were the circumstances that led to her decision to seek treatment? And is she complient with treating depression and anxiety?

The reason I ask these questions is because I wonder how ready she is to change some of her behaviour. If she is not willing to commit to making changes, particularly around her drinking, then it is likely that things will remain the same. While she may not be ready to make changes, you can make some changes. For instance, if she unwilling to speak to someone, you can get the ball rolling by contacting a support service, such as Family Drug Helpline to get the ball rolling. On this line, during business hours you can speak to someone who has cared for/cared about someone with a drug and alcohol problem, who may be able to share strategie to manage the situation. Outside business hours the calls are transferred to a professional drug and alcohol counselling line. 

Another service that you might want to try is counselling online. It is a free 24/7 online counselling service where you can speak to a professional drug and alcohol counsellor. 

You might also want to connect with @Adlin who wrote this post, and @Camelia who wrote this post here. They are both parents who care for an adult child who has a D&A issue and MI. I wonder if they can provide some advice. 

Again, welcome to the forums.

CB

[annie1268]

You sound like your at the end of your rope,,it also sounds like your daughter is struggling as well,was there a trigger to her turn to alcohol  abuse , my daughter uses self loathing and harming to numb her pain, triggers of post traumatic stress disorder  PTSD  which has evolved to BPD (borderline personality disorder) We are after 7 years getting to the main stem  of the trauma but it is a long time coming.and a long way to go .I keep reminding my self of a rhyme my mother lived by ,,

Love them the most

when they deserve it the least 

as that is when they

need it the most...

may god things happen for you 

[olmate]

Thank You Cherry & annie

I can imagine that it's been quite a roller coster for you- Its so hard that you think shes coming good then out of the blue *BANG* something snaps and Its not her. She is level headed and normal then at the flick of a switch shes just not herself
what were the circumstances that led to her decision to seek treatment- It wasnt her decision it was a decision made between the three of us, She went to dayhab only after a meeting at dayhab and she said she was happy to give it a go. on reflection I think she has an underlying problem that triggers the drinking so if that could be sorted out there wouldnt be the alcohol problem
I know she is an adult and old enough to make her own decisions but after being on life support because of alcohol abuse on more than one occasion. Taken to hospital in an ambulance on numerous occasions,wandering around Melbourne streets incoherent not having a clue where she was, I think she needs to be pointed and pushed in the right direction
We are not going to sit back and wait to see what happens because its politically incorrect to tell an adult child what they can and cant do
If we dont try now it will be too late when I get a call from the police telling me what very parent dreads

Thanks again CherryBomb & annie

[-karma-]

Hi @olmate 

I know you might think this a little simplistic...but a good start could be to visit your local GP. Your daughter may be reluctant to seek help, but you and your wife could do with some support in both living with, and supporting her. Coaching in managing the more difficult conversations can be supportive, and maybe this practitioner may also have the capacity to include her in future sessions.

Sane's 'fact sheets' may be worth a look, this one, 'Something's not right'

http://www.sane.org/images/stories/information/factsheets/1007_info_28clsnqr.pdf

suggests as you did, that her alcohol consumption could be in fact a sign of an underlying issues, 'self medicating' to cope. It's one step at a time, and you've made the most difficult, saying that there's a problem, and we need help

Keep us in the loop.

[olmate]

Hello Karma

I have seen her doctor who is an expert in this field a couple of times regarding her situation and explained whats going on as Im sure she would be telling him utter lies. obviously her doctor doesnt tell me anything about her condition he just listens to what I have to say and just smiles. I dont know what the smile means but at least he has listened to me

Its obvious she thinks she doesnt need any help and we are cramping her style but at 25 sitting infront of a mirror putting on makeup for hours and not going anywhere doesnt seem right to me (nearly every day)

Im hoping the doctor is on the right track because we have had enough,She takes delight in telling me shes 25 and can do what ever she wants but she cant see shes carrying on like a 14 yo

Thanks again Karma

[annie1268]

hi olmate, its strange you say about things popping up out of the blue,,today we discovered a strange trigger that my adult daughter has(who will never be too old for me to love or care for my job as a parent is for life and the love is unconditional) I mentioned to my her a feeling i had about something that may trigger her ,,a friend of her partner whom she gets on very well with feels safe with but , seems every time they went in his car she became agitated annoyed angry and escualted  to no sleep rage and back off the track for a few days to a week or so ..she said yeh you know i might just get the train home next time cos i dont like the handles in his car theyre strange and it feels like im trapped and she went on to say he only likes to drive on back roads as the freeway traffic is to fast for his old restored car so it takes double the time to get home so the entrappment was the trigger..her and her boyfriend have known him for 3 years and she feels perfectly safe with him but not his car handles ,,

my daughter has signed papers with her case workers that they can discuss anything with me which helps as they will call me as soon as her name comes up now.. 

i wish you well and do understand fully the dread of that phone call 

[cheersquad]

Hi @olmate,

Must be so hard to be in your position. My husband has often used alcohol as a way to manage his MI.

It is so scary thinking the impact they can have. I've experienced all of your stories. The scariest time for me was when he used to drive drunk. Such a lethal weapon. Lucky he never had an accident.

Does your daughter ever drink in a healthy way??? Ie social drink with mum etc... The reason I ask is unlike going completely dry my husband's counsellor has him drinking moderately in an acceptable way. (He has OCD rather than addictions) I was very surprised by this and initially didn't agree but it seems to be working well. DUI and drunk and disorderly charges in the past couple of years have also helped. Facing court is something he struggles with.

I learnt during this time that I can't make my husband change only he can help himself. I can be there to support him when he needs me. Ie asks me to drop everything to be with him when he is about to drink. I also need to let the medical professionals help him.

You must remember this is not your fault. MI is an illness and is also not the person. You didn't raise your daughter to be like this.


I also have a sister with MI and is a compulsive liar. She has been her whole life and doesn't get help either. Just horrible to watch. Don't have any advice there because I can't cope with the lies either. Seems to be worse when she is depressed though.

Hope you and your wife are taking time out for yourselves. So important to look after yourselves so you can help others.

Cheersquad

[olmate]

Thanks for your input cheersquad

We are on holidays at the moment, Iv told her to get out before we get home and dont come back until you are to prepared to help yourself

Im sick to death of lie after lie after lie after excuse after excuse after excuse  Im starting to think shes a lot worse than I first thought shes living in a dream world

Is it just kids today, they arnt grateful for anything and expect everything or is it just me seeing things this way

Well I can see a lot of you are worse off than me and I take my hat off to you all but with what has happened in the last(other family things) 18 months im over it

I  just want time to sit and veg to reflect on other tragic things that have happened, I dont need or want this added pressure .We have been away for 4 days and the phone is running hotter than the bat phone

Thanks guys for your help and support

Time for an other lipton..haha

[Hobbit]

Hi @olmate 

Just thought I'd send a quick note and see how you are going with things.

Sounds like you have made some sort of decision here, have some sort of conviction.It's very hard with alcoholism, because sometimes 'tough love' is the only thing to do. And I don't believe ANYONE is particularly good at tough love.

I guess it really complicates things when there is a mental illness involved. THe question I guess is, does she dring to allieviate her depression and anxiety, or does she get depression and anxiety because she drinks??

All I can say is this - you have emotional support here. I think @CherryBomb 's idea is good - contact the Family Drug Support (find them here). I know the are really good at offering some good practical advice that you might be able to use.

And keep posting.

Hobbit.