Parter with heavy substance abuse/possible sociopath

[13579]

Hello, I am new here and trying something I’ve never done before. 

I want to try make this as short and sweet as possible. I am wanting positivity, testimonies about how their partner changed their ways and finally became the person you always thought they could be. 

I’ve been holding on for 11 years to the kids dad. He has a long history of heavy substance abuse, narcissistic tendencies, sociopathic even. And it has been emotionally hard. I have lost all support from friends and family because I have chosen to try again to help him and get our family back. We have a good thing when he’s sober and happy. We camp, we fish, we have road trips. But it’s always short lived and then he relapses. And it’s back to fear, lies, manipulation, mind games. 

I can see he needs help and it feels like I’m the only one who sees that. Everyone else looks at him like he’s scum and I think it’s cruel. He wouldn’t be this self-destructive if he was okay and I’m desperate to get him help.

There’s moments where I can see him underneath trying to escape himself, but then he switches off and is emotionless. Very impulsive, doesn’t follow the law, in and out of jail, just an absolute ratbag most of the time🤣

I’ve hardened my heart a lot, set up boundaries, expectations but he struggles respecting them. He sees it as rejection, abandonment. 

Over the 11 years I have seen improvements here and there. But he reverts back to what he’s comfortable doing. He pushes anyone who cares for him out and surrounds himself with a darker lifestyle.

I still love him, our kids still love him and he says he loves us. Has anyone been in this situation and it be successful? Is there hope? Did your partners end up being the person you always thought they could be? 

I don’t need negative comments, my mind is already doing that, everyone around me as well. I know the cycles but I do have hope and I’m really needing support from people who got the happy ending after the storm. I want to learn how to support him, while taking care of my own mental health this time. Please be kind, it’s been a big, sorrowful couple weeks

[holdinghope5]

Hi @13579,

I would like to take a moment to welcome you to our forums space. It sounds like a lonely and hard experience, having to look out for your partner and not having any support from family and friends. It's clear that your partner means a lot to you, and it seems like you see his potential to be better. 

I don't have lived experience in this area, but I do want to encourage you to keep looking after yourself. Taking care of others can be exhausting. I hope you're keeping up with your self-care and knowing your limits too. It's great to hear you've set up boundaries with him in the past - it's tricky when he sees it as 'rejection' but those boundaries are important, and I hope he's able to learn that those boundaries are there to keep your family safe, and that it'll benefit him too in the long run.

[tyme]

Hey there @13579 ,

It sounds like an incredibly tough situation to be in. I can see how much you love and care about him, yet the behaviour sounds ruthless at times.

What do you do to look after yourself? I know you mentioned you've hardened a lot and you see he needs help, do you think HE himself needs help or can he see his family is at breaking point?

I am a firm believer in hope, but I also believe he needs to see he needs help before anything can change.

Thank you for sharing your story and trusting us into your life.

[13579]

Thankyou for your reply,

I’ve been looking after myself by having distance and space when I need. I do a lot of journalling and art to express my thoughts, try to keep an open mind as much as I can. I do my best to keep routine for the kids and I, taking them out and doing fun things where I can. 

He knows he needs help as well, he’s getting to a point where he recognises what he’s causing and that he wants a better life. Atm he’s back in jail, so I’m hoping he can detox in there so we can make a plan moving forward and have people who can assist him with his mental health. All of his offences were under the influence of heavy substances but the system doesn’t seem to want to address that or his mental health. So he’s getting fined left, right and centre, thrown in jail and coming out with the same issues. 

It’s been heartbreaking to watch because he was so young, and we practically begged for help but we were just put in a box and told to seperate, and neither of us wanted to do that

[tyme]

Hey @13579 ,

I'm hearing you. I can see the impact substances have had on him. I guess he's a different person when he's undert the influence. 

Are there detox places he can connect with when he's out of jail?

Also, when he is out, I wonder if he'll have to cut communication with his former connections so he doesn't get drawn back into it?

My heart goes out to you.

My brother in law was on heavy drugs for many years of his life. He ended up with psychotic symptoms because he was drugs for so long. He was in rehab for so long, but ended up back on drugs because of connections.

Long story short, he met my sister and was determined to turn his life around. He's now got three kids and he hasn't gone back but he will need to be on antipsychotics for the rest of his life. It's been about 15 years clean now.

There is hope @13579 

Please focus on yourself and look after yourself at this time.

[13579]

I’m hoping this will be his turning point this time, I’m praying so. I know he wants better for himself so I’m holding on for a miracle. We do have a lot of resources and groups to turn to. I really want us to find support groups to go to together, and hear other people’s journey, I think it will benefit the both of us hearing different perspectives from others.

Im glad to hear your brother in law got the help he needed, it’s comforting to hear that they can overcome it. There’s a lot of people he’ll need to cut off so I’m hoping he has the strength to do the right thing this time. Otherwise I’m probably gonna go insane🤣

[tyme]

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't easy. He really had to cut EVERYONE off in order to start a new life. And it wasn't without temptations... when he was catching a train, he'd meet people who'd offer him drugs... when he was working, people would just give it to him. It was as though he was just attracted to it @13579 He had to be strong and have people around him to support him to reject the substances... and it wasn't just drugs - it was drink, smokes, and drugs.

But deep down, he's a lovely guy. He just needed the help and support to work through it.

I'm not sure which state you live in, but this is an AOD service you may be able to connect with: https://www.turningpoint.org.au/