Understanding BPD

[Beekind]

Hi all, its my first time here. Im not sure how to go about this so please correct me if I am offtopic or in the wrong thread. Basically my loved one struggles with BPD and am trying to understand her actions and thought process to care better (for herself and me). Reading about BPD I have not seen her to be narcisstic or manipulative but instead fearful of abandonment/rejection, has some spontaneous behaviour (eating disorder related), suicidial ideations and issues like a lack of worth etc. I emphatise greatly as she has had a horrible childhood from which the diagnosed BPD stems from and bad romantic relationships prior with really awful guys. I see so much good in her, she is caring, generous and intelligent, great at her job, loves animals and has overcome so much. One of the issues I have experienced is that she seems to find it difficult to accept my love and being in a healthy relationship, almost not believing I am in my right mind to love someone like her, doubting that its real and not seeing the importance of respect in a relationship for herself. She has gone back to her ex who has been emotionally abusive. I just was wondering if anyone has experience or knowledge regarding this - if someone with BPD may tend to choose what is unhealthy due to a poor sense of self? I also had to leave a few months ago to live in another country for the next few years and this I guess has been what really drew her back to her ex, seeing this as abandonment. From what I have experienced together with her and just looking over things to see what makes sense, I do tend to believe (I am a rational person I promise) towards that she wants to me with me but these issues, particularly with abandoment, have made it very hard for her to challenge her BPD in the face of these circumstances. I am not in a direct caretaker role any longer at the moment but do care about her and want to respond in the best way when any opportunity to care for her comes again. Would love to hear anything, thoughts, experiences etc you guys have to share. Thank you for reading this and the ability to write this.

[Beekind]

Oh dear this was not supposed to be such a long post. Apologies for my blab.

[Ali11]

Welcome to the forum @Beekind, please do not apologise for writing it all down! Sometimes putting it all on paper (or on a forum) is what is needed to help ourselves. 

It sounds like you really do care for your loved one as you've highlighted all of the amazing things that she possesses. Have you had a chance to share this with her? It may be hard for her to accept, especially with low self-esteem. I see that you are not local to her now, but are you still in constant contact? 

[Beekind]

@Ali11 Indeed I have but there always seems to be doubt, lack of self-love. I don't know what else to do besides affirm her when I can. I also mentioned those things just to put across to anyone who might read that the BPD doesn't make her (or one) bad, I've seen so many negative things written about those who suffer from it.

Contact isn't constant, shes been a revolving door since I left - not with psychiatric facilities like many BPD suffers though she has had a psychotic break, rather at times hopeful and committed, other times resentful and discouraged. I suppose it is known for someone with BPD to go in cycles. She blocks me now, unblocks me for a day to talk every fortnight or so perhaps. Been like this for the past 1-2 months. It has really pushed me to read more about BPD and how it may limit a person's emotional capacity in dealing with such circumstances and how to care even though I am hurt.

[Ali11]

You're doing great to help reduce the stigma of BPD, especially for those on the forum who are new to a diagnosis @Beekind. Sounds like you are quite patient and understanding and it's awesome to hear that you try to reaffirm your partner's great abilities when you can with her. 

It must be really hard to go through that cycle. What do you do during that time to ensure that you are looking after yourself and not get anxious? 

[Beekind]

Thanks, I suppose the only way to go about caring for someone with BPD would be to be patient first.
It is hard I must admit to not be anxious, so I workout more to help.

[Ali11]

Working out definitely helps, doesn't it @Beekind? Sweating it out and getting our heart pumping. Your heart is in the right place so just take things one day at a time, we're all here for you 

[Beekind]

Thank you @Ali11.

[Met1]

Hi @Beekind, I’m also new to all this but it sounds like we are have similar situations with our partners as my partner struggles to believe that I love her & want us to work out. I have been pushed away several times by her in which I’ve thrown my hands in there & said this is all to hard. Since her diagnosis with BPD I have read up a lot to understand more about which is opening up communication about issues we face. Sounds like your doing a great job & like me you want to help them as best as you can.

[Beekind]

Hi @Met1, I'm glad your partner has someone like you who is really trying even though it's hard.
I've been pushed away so much too, and as stupid as my friends think it is I just can't make the decision to stop loving her, it's like giving up on her and leaving her without an option to a second best life almost? Idk if I make sense lol. 
Please feel free to discuss your worries and stuff here anytime, will read 🙂