Looking after ourselves
hi @outlander I think you're very brave to be going to therapy. It takes a lot to give your whole history to a new person & dig up painful stuff.
I've got a toxic mother too. I'm sorry to hear you live with her (?is that right). I'm in my mid 40's and live by myself. If I had to live with my mother I'd be getting triggered constantly by her and would be in a furious rage all the time. It's only with the right meds that I can have contact with my mother and even then it can be hard to tolerate her. I think she's probably narcissistic and abusive but all the therapy in the world never helped me with her, only medication did (not saying this is the case for you, every individual is different) and having distance from her does. I'm guessing there isn't any way you can be away from your mother, live anywhere else?
If exposure therapy is getting results for you then maybe it'd be good to increase the difficulty? I have a lot of social and shyness problems so was very isolated with my MI. In a way I did a kind of self-designed exposure therapy - I forced myself for months to go to loads of meetups and meet loads of new people, over and over no matter how painful it was (and it was!). As a result I few years later I have nice friends & have much less anxiety before social get togethers, so it worked. But again, for me it wasn't therapy that helped it was taking those practical steps irl.My psychiatrist suggested I go to a day program group that teaches you relationship skills. But I know I'd hate it, it'd make me very angry and aggravated. More importantly I know that I learn relationship skills through having relationships not through therapy. So are there any practical steps you could take to meet your needs if they aren't being met in therapy?
Well you've got lots of different advice to think on so I hope some of it helps 
yes I think you are right, there does come a time when therapy is no longer effective. Im not to sure if im at that point, but right now im not sure of much. I only have I think 5 sessions left now so might be worth sticking it out and seeing how it goes..
hi @eth @Exoplanet
I had a chat with the therapist today while I was there and she wasnt much help in the direction we took. We spoke about some really hard things and I felt even worse coming out of that session. The things that bother me on the surface I dont like talking about. For example the relationship with my mother is really strained and as many know my roles to my siblings are abit more than what most people would have but if I say something bad about her or the situation im in I spend more time in the session trying to 'fix' it and making her/or whoever im taking about sound like the best person on earth, sometimes white lies are in there. It makes me really uncomfortable and that is some of the stuff she made me actually think about today. I dont want to start with anyone new now, id rather either keep going or just stop. The 10 sessions make it hard to know what to talk about really. Because I see her now, I wont see her at the end of the year when its tough again. April and the end of yr are the tougher months where I feel I need the support.
When I was talking to her today, she said it was up to me if I continue or not but advised me to listen to my 'rational mind'. During our first sessions we broke up my personalities/thought patterns. Some might recognise it when they talk about the young child, or the scared child, vulnerable child, protector etc and the rational mind well that is self explanatory.
Hi @Teej
yes, your right. Sometimes you do have to be ready for things. I thought I was ready for this but maybe you are right in saying is there other things affecting me more that would be benefical . At the moment I dont have any motivation for any of it. When I was chatting to her today, we spoke abit of what is happening and I was honest and I said I havent done any of the tasks she has set to which was replied ' that is ok' as most would say anyway. The things that bother me more such as the relationship with my mother and my current circumstances are really hard for me to talk about. She made me to talk about them today because she wanted me to use my rational mind rather than the protector mode I have so we spoke about some family things, and really pushed hard with the caring roles and trying to work things out why I have these roles. I also told her I wasnt going to come in either, and I didnt do the questionaire either. Every single session whether it be online (as in through a chat) or in person they make us do these questionaires and they are very annoying to do. It takes about 10 minutes every time, wasnt in the mood for it and she wasnt impressed but didnt push on it.
Sorry abit off track there, When I start to talk about the relationships I have with others etc, if I say something bad or if im actually honest esp with the circumstances at home, I spend so much time in the session trying to reiterate the good in those people so basically over takes the session. It is really tricky to navigate around because it is a big facotor in my anxieties as well.
With my truama, while im not constantly triggerred, a lot of the way I am is because of that. For example I am over protective of the kids because of my guilt and emotions of not being able to stop that attack. My sisters scar triggerrs me all the time. Ive only got to look at her somedays and I get flashbacks. It makes me feel so awful that I react that way. That was a reason I was working on exposure therapy and trauma stuff because it breaks my heart that I cant look at my sibling the same way. Does that make sense abit?
The 10 sessions really suck, it makes it hard to know what to talk about etc. or what might be more important sort of thing.
I was living with her previously but since early last year she and her partner were able to get a house. She she, pertner and kids moved into their own home while I stayed with pop whom I care for. She does trigger me a lot too, even though we arent in the same house but its better now we are separate though.
We didnt work on exposure therapy today. We mgiht go back to it next session but im not to sure. She did say that I can keep working on it at my own level or where I feel ok to do so.
Well done on doing your own exposure therapy, I know that wouldve been really hard for you but im glad that helped for you. It might help me to if I work harder on it..
the thing is im doing practical things like study to progress further for the future, tried groups but no success with forming friendships, self care, working on physical health as when that goes downhill so does my mh, trying to do at least the basics each day etc but it doesnt seem enough nor do I think im getting anywhere. Thats partly why I went on meds and also started therapy too. Hoping it might help.
