Breakup

[Stuart9726]

Afternoon all, 

Hope everyone is having a good day. 

Quick question and would love people's thoughts. 

When somebody breaks up with you after a relationship, and they want to stay friends. Do people think it's easier to get over them when you cut all contact or by staying friends. I think I already know the answer to this as I was writing it out. 

[rav3n]

hey @Stuart9726,

my friend's tried being friends with her ex and it was... very messy for her. they didn't say friends for long, ended up hating each other more and they haven't talked since. 

i've had a other couple friends go through the same cycle. i think they all needed space from their ex first to heal on their own, and then after a few years they could've been friends. but instead they chose to be friends before either of them had fully processed and gotten over each other, and ended up hurting each other more. 

not saying everyone is like this! maybe if boundaries are set and upheld by both parties it could be possible? 

[Koori]

In my experience, there's so many variables connected to relationship break-ups. 

Not many ppl make a connection 'knowing' there's going to be a break-up, we're not psychic, mind-readers or fortune tellers. 

Staying connected when it's all done n dusted, tends to prolong the healing process. 

There's a reason she pulled the pin & it's on her to choose whether or not she shares it with me. 

I've failed to find any relevance in staying connected, once the damage has been done. 

Once she makes the decision to no longer communicate, for whatever reason/excuse, there's no validity in staying 'friends'. 

What we both shared with each other before the split, becomes null n void after the split, maintaining any level of communication after the split, only intensifies the pain. 

Some can deal with it & maintain an estranged arrangement, while others simply disengage totally. 

When there's Children involved, it's a whole different dynamic, 1 I'm fortunate enough to have never experienced, yet watching that dynamic, as only an impartial observer, the impact of the split on the Children, is savage. 

When a bloke & woman produce a new life, it changes everything. 

Pretending to be amicable in front of the Kids after the split, never used to be public. 

These days, exposing a privacy that was never designed to be public, is vindictive, & puts Children in a spotlight they were never desgined to be in. 

Parenthood was never designed to be a battleground, however, social media thrives on making sure the planet knows every graphic detail.

My rhetoric these days, is: disengage & delete. 

Stay Deadly 🖤💛❤️

[AlwaysMyself]

I think it really depends on the people involved @Stuart9726 .

I have one ex I don't stay in contact with, but if we happened to bump into each other it would be civil and fine - but I haven't seen them since we split other than in mutual friend's social media posts.

Another of my ex's I have stayed friends with. I didn't see or have contact with them for a few months initially, but bumped into the sometimes at shops and would be friendly. We had always said happy to remain friends. A few months later he contacted me to apologise for a few things that he had realised since we split up, and I think that broke the ice (because it was him who decided to split) - and since then we still see each other occasionally, happy to help look after animals when away, or meet to play a game, etc. But I think that works because we are both independent as people (not seeking dependency on each other) and have shared interests.

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Stuart9726, 

Gosh -  this is such a tough one, isn't it?

There are many variables, like how the relationship was for you, what attachments may be at play, and what you're wanting to happen moving forward. Whilst keeping in contact may be really wonderful in some ways, it could also create a sense of being 'stuck' if you're not getting everything you want from this person, which can be so tough. 

This is why many relationship coaches articulate how beneficial one month of 'no contact' can be for you to reflect and look at the relationship/your wants and needs with as much objectivity as possible. It also gives you an opportunity to fully pour back into yourself. That being said, the first couple of weeks can feel utterly awful, which is why we often desire to keep the connection present. However, in my experience, letting go for that short amount of time can help you to have a longer lasting, healthy connection (with yourself and with the other person).

But there is no right or wrong here, just whatever feels okay for you, for now. 

What are your thoughts on this? Happy to talk it out more. 💛

[REDLINEZ750]

could you honestly not be jealous seeing the other with someone else?  

might find the someone else could  mouth up learning your an ex if been intimate and theres insecuriy thats you being left all over again possibly or being exposed to whole new line of drama.

were there other exes around for your term coz if not id be questioning motive but ii see ihe best in  people 

without even touching the vaeiables which as said are going to change in every dynamic