My silence is not personal and my dad thinks it's silent treatment

[Meow-in-a-void]

I'm known for being terrible at replying to things on my phone and I'm incredibly grateful that the people in my life accept this and do not hold this against me, nor is offence taken by them. 

Unfortunately my responding to things has been getting worse, to the point of having friends asking for me to respond with anything as they get worried. I don't want to worry anyone and I hold so much guilt from my lack of response to people I love. I know the guilt then prolongs not replying. I want to reply. I don't want to push everyone away and though so many people do their best at understanding me, I know I am damaging relationships. 

Now I'm terribly upset to see my dad thinking I'm ignoring him and thinking he's done something wrong, that he's upset me and I'm being silent to him as a purposeful way to maybe punish him. Things have been busy especially the last few days when he messaged me to organise something and then messaged me to say he has organised it. He then called yesterday which was a big day and I wasn't feeling great on top of lots of things to do. He called this morning and he sent a message about wanting to talk, him being sorry for upsetting me and how me ignoring him is upsetting and concerning. I didn't wake up until the afternoon today and I've been feeling terrible in my mind and body. I didn't get out of bed and bailed on something I really wanted to go to, so I only just flicked his messaged down to read it without it being marked as read. Seeing what he has said I've burst into tears and feel crippled with emotions. 

The truth is I've been struggling quite a bit for a while now, all my capacity has been going into the basics and essentials of life. Most of my days I'm feeling crap in either my body or mind and things are really hard. 

The pain of my dad feeling like this is too much and I feel so bad, we have had a conplecated relationship although i truly feel so much peace with things now and honestly love him dearly. I feel riddled with so much self-hate recently and this adds to it. I know I need to reply. I know the sooner I respond then the quicker I can sort this out for us both, and yet I haven't responded. Instead I'm typing this. 

What's wrong with me. Why am I like this. What do i do when I'm not doing the things I know I should do. 

Sorry for the big type out.. 

[Sparky79]

Hi @Meow-in-a-void, thankyou for reaching out, I know it takes courage. No need to apologise for a big post, you're reaching out and you have a lot on your mind.

Firstly, have you tried explaining to your dad, how you're feeling? being open and honest (I hope you would be comfortable with that and he would be compassionate). I know if I were in this situation with any of my children I would understand and appreciate them coming to me and being honest.

Secondly, have you seen your doctor about a referral for some sort of diagnosis / mental health assessment? as you've mentioned a few things that may need further investigation and treatment.

Don't punish yourself or feel guilty, you're doing all you feel able to, doing what you need to do to live and cope with how you're feeling. At this point you're doing all you can, all your mind and body will allow you, unfortunately you don't know why (yet). Self care, self love and self compassion is crucial.

You asked why are you like this? you mind and body are telling you there's something wrong and this is how you're coping with it. You're not the only one who has had these feelings or been in this situation, so please remember you're not alone.

There could be a few things causing this, any one or a combination of things, like burn out, stress, a physical illness, anxiety, depression etc, that's why it's best to seek medical attention, so treatment can be administered.

Don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it.

[Meow-in-a-void]

Hello @Sparky79  thank you so much for your response, another voice is so helpful right now. 

I know I need to respond and open up about things of recent. I don't even know what to say right now, I feel so bad that I've caused him to question if he's done something now and thinking that I have to open this can of worms on my mental state... it's all a lot. He knows that I have mental health issues, although doesn't know the extent/details of a lot of things, for many reasons. 

I have to reply with anything as i know saying nothing is the worst thing to do, I just don't know how.

I have been looking at my mental health for what feels like a very long time now and been diagnosed with a good ol' alphabet soup and am hesitant to have more added in, though I can expect more to be added as I've organised to see a psychologist again and go back to working with professionals to assist me. I've been diagnosed with BPD (technically in remission after doing DBT a couple years back), ADHD, CPTSD, depression, and anxiety (although was diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a teen before I got other diagnosed with other things so I'm unsure if they're more symptoms or actual diagnosis). 

Even working with medical professionals for some time now I struggle a lot with where the line is that divides excuses and valid reasons for things. 

Hard to feel like there are things wrong and that I'm not just wrong. 

Get tired of feeling like doing my best isn't enough in this world and that the people I love end up enduring excess suffering because of that. 

Thank you again. Your response means a lot to me.

[Sparky79]

@Meow-in-a-void I'm glad you've got support and are seeking treatment as you've noticed a little regression. Acknowledging a decline in your mental health then seeking help takes strength and courage.

In regards to telling your father, only tell him what you're comfortable sharing, he's just going to have to accept what you tell him and trust that it's not him. Only open the can of worms where you feel safe too. I know one of the few places I have is in my psych sessions, but only if there's time to put the lid back on my mental Pandora's box securely though.

In regards to doing your best, don't think of it as doing your best for the world or others, you're doing the best you can for yourself, to make it through each day, each challenge. Be proud of all you've done to get to where you are now. You've succeeded this far! Made it through every challenge, everything you thought you couldn't make it through.

I mentioned in another post to another member here, doing you best varies day to day, one day your best may be waking up and eating something, another day your best may be tackling and completing numerous tasks that you've been neglecting, the most important thing is you're not giving up, you can rest, have time off, but don't give up, trip up, have set backs but don't give up, as every positive step, no matter how small, is all part of the journey to a better you, a better life.

[ImARocket]

I'm no expert but go call your dad at least. Let him know asap what the situation is with you. Your dad loves you. It's your dad! He deserves to treated properly and with repect. Just think of how bad he feels thinking he did something wrong to you. He'll go to bed with that fresh in his mind and wake up with it the same. That will eat him from the inside.

I'm not sure if you have contacted him yet but stop what you're doing NOW and GO CALL HIM! He just needs to hear you're doing ok so he can mentally stay at ease.

If you honestly can't do this then you might as well write off your relattionship with him. Do you realise how much of your problems that you have stated, will be resolved once you make that call? Sure, you might be dealing with other issues but sometimes you have to put others before yourself. Just do it, no excuses.

[Appleblossom]

@Meow-in-a-void I am a cat lover and want to welcome you to the forum and let you know your name is great. I also talk to the birds, so not playing favourites... Lol

Hearing you about your questions about symptoms and diagnoses. Sometimes it all gets too much and we feel paralysed.

Take care 

Apple 🍎 🍏