Lived Experience Forum

[Whim]

Hi there,

I have to admit that this entry did not start out with the title in mind. But it is a running ribbon throughout my feelings of isolation and despair. I just picked up my phone again, as have been rocking back and forth trying to get thorugh to Samaritans but they are busy, understandably. And with Mental Health Week and all....

Well, let's get to it then. I have major depressive disorder with anxiety and specific phobias. I first realised fully I was depressed 15 years ago when I lost my fiance to cancer, and was walking that bit too late around the corner as the bus turned, in case it could hit me and it look like an accident. My anxiety started at this time too, generally about people close to me dying, but also about myself getting cancer, which was a real juxtaposition I suppose. I got help, meds, therapy. 

I met my life partner 5 years later, and now have a gorgeous but hard work 6 yr old boy with ADHD and some autistic symptomology. My husband works in the mines, fly in-fly out (FIFO). This is the only life I have known with him.

I am a counsellor, with degrees in counselling and psychology, as well as communications. Before our boy came along I was a very successful lecturer, educator, public speaker etc on Mental Health/Illness. Ironic.

Our boy came along and very long story short I fell into my next big depression. But I would not see a doctor. I saw energy workers and eventually my GP, who prescribed SSRI's which I took for a few days, if that then stopped as I 'wasn't realy depressed' and they made me feel sick. But I did see a psychologist, which was hard.

I returned hard to depression over 2 years ago. It was Easter. I couldn't stop crying and felt nothing but anguish, which I know many of you will understand. It took about 4 months for me to tell my husband and my parents. My mum was a psychologist, funnily enough.

Meds helped, then they stopped. I now take a different one, which worked for about three months and then stopped. This is when I joined this grooup. And it really did help, which is why I'm typing away right now. You guys really do help me feel that bit less disconnected, so Thank You. They trippled my meds, and now I'm better than I was. But I'm still there with the voice saying end it. I'm still alone over half the year with our boy, in a small place, and no-one to talk to.

The thing is, some psychs refer to me. And I refer my clients to GP's etc. I live in a very small country town. So I find it very hard to reach out to professionals for help. I see my first ever psychiatrist in about a week, which is something I've really wanted, but also feel shameful about. I have a new referral for a psychologist in the next town, who won't know me professionally, and I've seen my GP. I've also let a couple of people in a bit about the fact I have depression.

I guess this is actually quite a positive post! Far out! I've been REALLY low. I tweeked my meds, which is now starting to help, I've tried to break down the STIGMA by sharing my story with a couple of safe people, and I've got professional help in place. 

You should have seen me - rocking back and forth before I started to log on to this safe space. Call centres were busy, as I said, and I needed to stop the voices of depression, which were building. Then I wrote, and wrote. I guess my only message to any of you out there, NOT that you need it necessarily, is that there are psychs and therapists out there who also really really struggle with the stigma of mental illness, and feel trapped. Being in the field is not necessarily a 'good' thing.

I'm thinking of all of you who are struggling right now, or are okay, but aren't always. PLEASE use this forum. It is so beneficial, and together we CAN help each other. I know I feel supported when people respond. But if they don't respong, don't get to deep in that either. I have, but we are on different time zones, different journeys and in different emotional/psychological places. People get what they get from this, and so can you, if you're reading this and new, or not sure. Just writing this has felt great, and less lonely. So Thank You if you beared with my typing mind dump, but I did it to get out of a bad place, and it worked. And just because of that fact, I'm not going to delete, as I thought I would, but post. You are NOT alone. From me x

[hope77]

@Whim Boy you have a lot of courage When I'm having a really hard time I just close in stop talking and rely probably too much on meds. I can't open up to anyone not even doctors. I have had recurrent depression and anxiety and psychosis  since I was 25 after nearly losing my daughter as a newborn. but now just talk about it in systems and just my meds can't talk about my personal life to anyone except my husband. and saying that only sometimes. I agree with you on the people on this forum their the best of the best. and I have learnt so much from them seems they have the wisdom of thousand lives. I wish you peace going to the phy is hard the first time but it is so worth it. Being a mental health I think would make it hard to go and get help but it also makes you more vulnerable to mental illness. You can't tell me that you guys sometimes don't take on to much and maybe sometimes take your work home with you. thank you for caring enough to take on such a caring job. it says a lot about you and how good you must be Good on ya.

[marchhare]

Hi Whim,

It is Marchhare here.One of the forum moderators. Thank you for your insighful post into your depression and your journey with it. It was especially interesting and relevant as, like you say, you are a mental health worker. 

I am sure you have made a connection with other forum members.

Thank you, Marchhare

[Whim]

Hi @hope77. Thank You for your reply. I felt a part of me hurt and turn inside when you so graciously shared the loss of your precious daughter. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank You for your encouraging words. We all have a deep wisdom, I think the greater your well for sorrow, the greater the well for joy, as Kahlil Gibran (sp?) said. Some of us just can't access it enough or at all. But it is there, somewhere, and to be encouraged to continue the search for.

I wish you a good night,

Whim

[Whim]

Thank You @marchhare. Your words were lovely. Thank goodness we have this space to share, support and know are there always.

Many thanks and have a good night,

Whim

[marchhare]

Thank you again for sharing,

Have a good night.

Marchhare

[Sahara]

Hi @Whim,

thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I believe that many people will be helped by reading it. 

I am a little like you, although I am not a psychologist, but I did work in a helping profession for 25 years - so I have seen metal illness and it's devastating effects from both sides; as a professional and as a patient, too. It is a really interesting place to be in.....

I will say that coming from the professional background that I had, it made it much easier to navigate a path through all the different appointments and assessments and that I went through. It must be so hard for those people who have no background acknowledge of how the hospital and medical system works... I can see why there are so many people on Sane forums who are fed up with the service they receive. It was difficult for me and I actually knew what I was doing! 

You are so right.... there is a lot of stigma associated with mental illness. I never told anyone at work what I was going through. Even when my colleagues confided their own mental health issues to me personally... I still didn't reciprocate and explain what I was going through myself.

There were countless times where I witnessed other professionals making disparaging remarks about a patient's mental health issues and I stayed mute. Inwardly, I was laughing to myself, thinking, if only they knew that my case history was even worse than the patient's!

But as far as I know, no-one even suspected I suffered from severe anxiety and depression. In fact, I was known as someone who was very even-tempered, conscientious, helpful and rational. 

I absolutely understand you not wanting the people you work with to know what you are going though.

But I wonder if there are not other women in your community who you could make friends with, just for general support and companionship? Other mums? You don't have to tell them about your illness, but you could talk about the stresses of being alone half the year and parenthood and such.

[Decadian]

Hi @Whim

Thanks so much for sharing so much of your story - and that your are a mental health worker - as you say - a double isolator

Having a child with ADHD and autistic tendendies would rock your boat in a big way - and yet as you work in that field I would imagine that as well as making it harder to practise it would make you better at it because you see it from the inside as well - and children like your son make it hard work - I know

I have been through that myself - who knows what causes ADHD and other disorders of childhood that make it hard for a child to develop more easily - my son was adopted and this really gave him a bad start and as you say - gorgeous but hard work -

It is hard work - my son didn't make it and that threw me into a bad place - so I really understand what you are saying - I don't know you well enough to know if we are on the same path - but I certainly read into what you are saying and how hard it is to fit into society and your own family when you have depression

I wonder a lot about medication - I don't take any psychtrophic medication - it never seemed to work for me and I decided to go it without - but I can understand how hard it must be

I had started a university degree at some stage during my son's life - studied part-time because I needed to work  part-time - and he died in the middle of it - but I think my studies saved me from myself as I continued and then had to work full-time after my marriage broke down completely -

Your story is inspiring - and you have certainly been to the edge and somehow have kept going

And you have addressed the stigma - yes - that has to be the bad part - we can all do without the stigma

Decadian

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Whim I really appreciate your candidness and your hope.  I have felt similarly regarding rocking to self-soothe.  Generally I think it is the people who cannot admit their vulnerabilities & weaknesses who are a bigger problem for society.

Wounded healers tend to dig deeper from experience and have more patience.  So good to meet you.

Apple

[Whim]

Hi @Sahara

Apologies for the late reply. It does not mean that your lovely response was not appreciated.

Yes, I do have a select few women I spend time with. They are great and very supportive, not about mental illness necessarily, but just the FIFO life etc. As I said, I've let a safe few 'in' to how I feel, and they are very supportive. 

I hope you are doing okay. I know - if that doesn't sound wrong - how you must feel at times. Thanks for your words or support. I hope I can support you, or others in a similar way. This group really has got me out of some sticky situations, for which I will be forever grateful to you all.

Whim x