Lived Experience Forum

[Taylor1313]

Hello everyone, 

Thankyou for giving me a platform to share my story

I'm 38 years old and was first diagnosed and medicated for depression at 14 (no therapy) the older I got the more I struggled I had a few instances of SA but always "presented well" and was called high functioning ( I freaken hate those words) I self medicated alot in my 20s annnnddd some of my 30s I always had a job but everything was so hard I had started seeing psychologists and psychitrist since my late teens and would go on and off, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and depression  early 20s Bipolar 2 mid 20s and major depressive disorder and GAD early 30s, mid 30s I was diagnosed with CPTSD depression and anxiety with OCD traits by my psychiatrist I still see 3 years later the older I got the worse my mental health got, I'd been on countless antidepressants and my psych started treating me with antipsychotics off label, after trying the second one I ended up at my first psych ward (this was about 2 years ago) I was only there about a week, they took me off that medication and sent me on my way, we all know how this goes, things did not get better we tried MORE antidepressants while I lived my life with a mask crippled by my anxiety I lost most of my friends I had also stopped drinking which I had a problem with self control and I thought things would be better but they got worse because I had to deal with everything without that dopamine hit I loved, after the hospital I got a script for medical marijuana which I overused for 10 years in my 20s, I also have fibro so was just hoping for some relief for a while it gave me some escape of an evening but I couldn't hide from how unwell I was when I became estranged from my sister, my person, my most faveroure person in the world, work got RIDICULOUS and I was putting everything into it in order to try push my feeling away, yeah that didn't work either I had a complete mental breakdown and ended up in hospital for 6 weeks and then a recovery place for 3, the hospital put me on more medications then you could imagine and tested me for ADHD as just before hospital my psychiatrist put me on another ADHD medication off label for my depression (I know right) the first time I took it, it was like the lights were finally on I can't explain it but it didn't stop my breakdown, the drs at the hospital straight away picked up on the ADHD, my GP had said to me in the past I think you have ADHD I laughed not knowing at all how ADHD presents in women so I left the hospital on a small amount of stimulants 2 antidepressants, sleeping tablets,  2 mood stabilisers at a high dose and the anxiety meds. 

I was still in no way very well I saw my psychiatrist every 2 weeks for med changes, upping the stimulants removing a mood stabiliser and the changing the type of stimulant all together she said to me hmmm we would normally do this med change in a hospital (I do not have private health cover) I completely crashed, this was also over Christmas where I stayed alone at an air BNB because I live with my parents and I am not ready to see my sister after the trauma that was added on when we became estranged, I ended up on hospital again, after I followd my safert plan, met up with the CAT team for them to tell me they couldnt help me and to wait 2 weeks to see my psychiatrist, I didnt have 2 weeks left in me at that stage after the first ambulance trip they sent me HOME the mental health team called my Mum before they even spoke to me which was weird (she is being as supportive as possible) and told me the CAT team would send a refferal to the private hospital I was in as a public patient and my parents felt safe to take me home, the cat team called the next day and wanted to set up an appointment, I asked about the refferal to the hospital and the lady said no no no we don't do that I asked her to speak to the doctor at the hospital and she refused and was really rude so not only was I allready trying to hard to get help I felt worthless of their help and that I didn't matter I ended up going to hospital by ambulance the next day and had the same ambulance ladies and they could not believe i had been sent home, they said they don't have much pull when it comes to the hospital but the would try their best. I got to speak to the head nurse not long after arriving. A different lady from the mental health team came to speak to me at about 3am in the morning and she was much better and said I would be admitted (mind you the Dr from the first trip told my mum the only way someone would get admitted to the hospital at that time would be if they were going to shoot someone up) so yeah I was scared. Public vs private was am eye opener I was in a room next to a patient who kept smashing his walls and yelling and kicking above the wall above my bed in the middle of the night so I'd wake up screaming from past trauma, I didn't even leave my room for 3 days but i got there and found some good people but some terribly unwell ones also, the psychiatrist and psychologist were 100000 times better then the ones at the private hospital, they put me back on the stimulant i had been changed to (the first emergency room dr told me to go off it) when I went back on it again things seemed more stable after the break, the put me on a new mood stabilised and sent me home after 9 days there. I was OK for a few days then it was perpetual anxiety from the moment I woke up until the moment I slept, I got an emergency appt with my psychiatrist and she put me on a longer acting stimulant but similar to the one I was using before the change, it was awful, it was like taking a tic tac and I was living in hell again, I didn't know what to do so i tracked back to when I was most stable from the hospital and as I still had medication left I went back on that the last 5 days there has been a significant change but I'm still getting episodes of crippling anxiety most medications don't work my psychiatrist said it's because my brain is too heightened and could also do with how much medication I am on if they are interacting, I couldn't agree more, pills don't give you skills. 

I am so hyper aware now of the ADHD and the things I do and how much it has ruled my life when I should of been diagnosed at 14, I know so many people have similar stories but I'm so angry and I hate those 4 letters, I've read books and listened to podcasts but it just makes me think of all the things I have missed I am single with no kids because my mental health is hard enough to deal with as 1 person let alone inviting anyone else in. Well of you have gotten this far thankyou so so so much I've missed a Loy that's happened but I had to get all of this off my chest, I've been off work since August, I am lucky they are keeping my job for me and at this stage I am due back April. I am desperate for stability or to have that mask back where I could function at work and I can't understand why the anxiety is so bad now. I do walk and have started hiking and it really helps but I would love any advice from anyone that might have some insight or be able to relate from reading this. We all deserve better, I am happy to talk more about my experiences and listen to yours and will take anything on board and try anything

[Eve7]

Hello @Taylor1313 and welcome to the forum. It’s very brave of you to share your story and I am sorry you have been through so much in your life. I hope, by sharing you meet some people here who can relate and offer support.

I have major depressive disorder too…not nice.

[Jynx]

Wow @Taylor1313 what a huge journey you've been on. Thank you for sharing, and I do hope that even just the process of writing it out has been therapeutic. Just wanted to quickly let you know as well that I edited your post to remove the name of one of the medications - we don't want folks talking about names or dosages on here just as a safety precaution to ensure people are only getting medical advice from trained professionals. Hope that's okay! Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions or concerns. 

I like that line a lot, "pills don't give you skills" - my understanding has always been that medication only really shines when used in conjunction with skilled therapy and community support. That meds are there to get us to stable/functioning so that we can then focus on recovery, not some quick fix that can suddenly undo all of our traumas and whatever unhealthy coping skills or faulty beliefs we've had to take on to survive. Good on you for recognising that, and I hope that you can find the right balance of meds to help you move further into your recovery. It sounds like you've been tossed around a LOT, and it sucks that you've had some pretty darn crappy experiences with the mental health system along the way. It's not always neurodiverse-friendly hey. 

I too have ADHD, and was diagnosed late! It's absolutely BONKERS how much of my mental health issues were tangled up in undiagnosed ADHD symptoms. These feelings that I was somehow broken, weak, stupid, and lazy - oh haha woops that's just the impact of daily executive dysfunction and dopamine deficiency! Still, it's taken me a while to process it and understand it better. I think most people who were diagnosed late have to go through a grieving process of sorts - for the life we could have lived if we'd known, and for the knowledge that this is a lifelong issue that won't just go away if we 'try hard enough'. Grief and anger are very normal responses, it's okay to take your time to process them and sit in that space. 

If you want, you can join us over on this ADHD thread: Wait what did I come into this thread for again? Oh yeah, ADHD! 

You can connect with others who understand, and read up on some of the resources and tips that have been shared. I am also very happy to chat about ADHD stuff, tag me any time if you've got questions or have things you're struggling with and I can talk about stuff I've found helpful or done research about. 

Glad you found the forums, and hope to see you round 😊

[Taylor1313]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read my story, and replying. Life just isn't always what we expected it to be, I'm so sorry about what you are going through it's just awful I hope you have a good support system. I am always here to chat