Lived Experience Forum

[Snowdrop]

Some people may know me from the Carers forum but I think that my problem has grown so that I am coping with the carers part of my like but I am NOT coping with where it has led me. 

For those not familiar but a bit of background information, I have 3 adult children and the middle one has depression and anxiety problems. He has had these for over 10 years, has seen pschologist, councellors and psychiatrists and is on medication. His depression has caused issues within the family and left my depressed son with feelings that he is not liked, loved, listened to or cared about by his siblings. That they have actively sided against him, been rude to him, purposefully left him on the outer and have not loved him or cared at all about his feelings - putting everyone before him. He sees this as a direct act against him and shows him they don't care.

There have been 'truces' during the years when things have sort of been ok for a short while, but then due to something happening it has degenerated into a 'You don't care about me, you never have done, remember the time when ............... and the time when ................. and on and on and on. Any talk on their behalf has been shouted down and it has then led to periods again of them not talking.

Problem is that because my son is a depressive and I am so to speak his carer I have to listen to it all. I have been frightened to tell him I don't want to hear him and what is between him and his siblings is between them - because I know I am his last line - he has no-one else to listen to him. Anyone with a depressed child - adult or not - will know what I mean.

Everything they do wrong is done purposefully to hurt him because they don't care. Unfortunately it doesn't help that his older sibling has no sense of time and getting to where he should be, and has several times missed out on meeting up with him when they had arranged it. To my depressed son it is not enough that his brother is a very poor time manager in everything to do with his life - he feels that it showed that he doesn't care enough about him to meet him. After the last episode he rang his sister for support and when she tried to explain that that is just the way the elder son is my depressed son said that she was making excuses etc - it deteriorated with my son yelling and swearing at his sister, saying not nice things and then saying he was divorcing himself from her and would no longer have anything to do with her. He then rang his elder brother and proceeded to do the same to him.

They have accepted this and told me that when he is ready to connect with them and apologize then they will be there for him.

All my children live in different states. My eldest son has 2 children, neither my younger son or his sister have children. At Christmas they all come to our place and we have a family get together. These are normally fraught with problems and issues and I end up being a bit of a wreck at the end from being totally on edge and trying to keep the peace and get in the middle of a problem that might happen.

This year because of the recent trouble, my depressed son has said that he will not come up for Christmas as he never wants to spend any time at all in the same room as his siblings - then I have to listen all over again to all that has happened. And so instead of being so happy it is Christmas I am left with feeling miserable and awful because believe it or not - I feel bad that I will be enjoying Christmas while my son is having christmas away from the family and probably on his own.    

I know that I have to accept all this, that my children are grown up adults - but - Acceptance is not coming easy though. My daughter tells me to accept how things are between her and my son, my other son says I have to accept how things are but it is HARD.

I don't want to live accepting that my children do not want to speak to each other or see each other. I don't want to live with the thought that if one is up for Christmas one of the others will not come.

I keep out of it as much as possible - but I find it hard that I can speak quite normally about all this to my eldest son and my daughter but that I walk on egg shells when speaking to my son with the depression as I am so nervous about tipping him over.

I feel so caught - I want to make things right, I want us all together - but I know it is not going to happen. I know my son has a view of what the perfect family should be and this is what he wants - I know because I also want this. How on earth do I accept things.

I'm sorry it is so long but I thought that I needed to tell the story so you could understand where I am coming from and also understand that some of my sons issues are caused or made worse by his depression. However my daughter says she feels he has reached a point where although he is depressed and is being treated he needs to get over his feeling that everything is against him and I need to stop worrying about any of them.

If this is in the wrong forum it would be appreciated if the forum owner could please put it where they think it should go.

I look forward to hearing from anyone who might be able to help me, I am fed up with feeling down, and also feeling guilty when I do enjoy myself with my sons other siblings.

Thank you 

[esprit]

Hi snowdrop, I'm writing in the perspective of someone with depression so hope it gives some insight. Xmas has always been special to me but this year I'm feeling exactly like your depressed son. I don't want to see my family, for numerous reasons. I'm ok about it though I accept that it is the way it is. In my head there is two things, feeling let down by my family not being supportive and on the other hand realising no one owes me anything . I know it's hard to understand how someone with depression thinks. It's nobody's fault. I believe he just wants all of you to tell him how much he is loved and valued and somehow make him believe it. Your two other kids love him more than they know probably but in my own family I know my brother doesn't handle stress or controversy and ignores it I know he loves me but sometimes it doesn't feel enough. That's depression. My brother lives in his own lovely bubble because that's what he can cope with. If your two other kids could make him believe they care and support him,within their own capacity, i think it would help you and them. I do wonder if I had a 'normal' illness rather than depression if my family would be more supportive. I'm not sure if this helps. As a mum I understand how having a happy family feels like a job well done. I hope with Xmas still a few weeks away your kids will be a little humble with each other and reunite for your sake. X

[esprit]

Ps you sound like a wonderful mother. 🌺

[Snowdrop]

Thank you JAR for your comments and also your kind words. No I'm not a wonderful mother - honestly. But I can say that I will give myself full marks for trying - although I have to laugh as I write that because my trying and helping is often off mark.

My 2 children have actually had enough of telling their sibling their care, that he is wanted and loved. They also carry hurt for the way he has spoken to them every time he feels they have let him down - believe me he doesn't hold back!

They honestly feel that they can do no more and for their own sake they must back off. They also feel that this is the right thing to do for him. They believe and I have to agree, that if they keep their distance from him it will allow him to remain calm and not be hurt, upset or angry about what he sees as purposeful slights from them. They have told him often enough that they care and they will always be there for him, but they too have been hurt by him and they feel they cannot cope with talking to him when they know what it will turn into. Because I am afraid that my depressed son will find any reason to bring up his hurts whether it be a pause in a sentence, not agreeing with something that he has said etc. I'm not saying he does it on purpose .............. but I do believe he carries these (mostly imagined) hurts on his shoulders like a weight and will bring them up at the drop of a hat.

I care for all my children. I realise my depressed son has particularly health issues that I would not wish on anyone - but his siblings also need their peace.

As a parent - I want them all happy. I know life is hard and I don't expect them to be protected and immune to all the hurts and worries that we all have to cope with.  It seems unfair though that one child has this issue that he has sufffered with for years and that causes such ill feeling and such hurt to our family as a group.

I know that somehow - and this was the reason for my posting - I have to emotionally accept that we have this issue amd I CANT FIX IT, and that is what is hard. I feel as a mother that I should be able to fix my children's woes. But my head tells me - they are grown people and as long as I am there to help my son when he has need of me, and that I make sure that he knows that, then I have done all I can do.

That is easy to write down but is very hard to put into action and very hard to accept emotionally.

Thank you.

[esprit]

Hey. You do honestly sound like an amazing mother. 🌺

[Heart]

@Snowdrop, YOU ARE AN AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING MOTHER. 

Yes it is hard to accept and let them be. Yes you will alway worry about them no matter how old they are. When things are good you will still worry about them because you are thier mother, and an amazing one at that.

@Snowdrop, be there for them when you can, support them when you can, take care of them when you can, but most of all TAKE CARE OF YOU. You diserve it. 

🙂

[Sahara]

Hi @Snowdrop,

I have to agree with the others here. You do sound like a wonderful Mum! Wow. You have gone over and beyond the call of duty!! I really hope that you can somehow take a step back and enjoy some time doing the things you love doing-  and taking care of you.

This may sound very odd, especially coming from someone who is not a parent. But I feel that once you are able to let go a bit, the problem might resolve itself somewhat. I'm just wondering, do your two children who aren't depressed really kind of like coming to you will all this conflict so as you can be the 'adjudicator'? Does it somehow let them off the hook to dump all this on your head and have you worry about it, so as they don't have to? It's like they feel they can count on you to do all the worrying for them, while they go on their merry ways! I'm just wondering. 

I see you as the only 'innocent' person in this equation. You are the peace-keeper. But I don't think you want to be. 

@Snowdrop, you don't have to be everything to everyone. You can just be yourself. Listen to their problems but don't offer any advice. Just say "I hope you kids can work this out."  Then start talking about yourself.... tell them about a book you just read or a movie you just saw. Allow them to realise you are more than their Mum, you are a whole person with needs of her own.

Maybe if your depressed son does not want to come for Xmas, then you could invite him for New Year? Or else fly over to him for a short break and a catch up before or after Xmas?  Call him on Xmas day and tell him he is loved. He must know this already... he is so lucky to have you. 

Hugs.

[Ellu]

Dear Snowdrop,

I am a mother of 4 children, one of whom has high functioning Asperger's. You write "As a mother I want all my children to be happy". Don't we all! I have the opposite problem to you because I have bi-polar disorder and there are long periods when I have been hospitalized and unavailable to my children.  This has caused various ructions in the family and I am afraid my children had to learn to cope very early with a non-functioning mother. Still, to my amazement they have all turned out decent people (all in their 20's now).

I can't imagine what you must be going through with all the stresses in your family - and Christmas! Even the totally average family gets stressed out at Christmas, this must be an awful time for you.

Reading your posts, I noticed there is one thing missing - YOU. You are occupied trying to keep the peace in the family and protect your son who has depression, but who is looking after YOU? It sounds as if you are the pivot around which the whole family revolves, and that is not the position anyone wants to be in. Your children are old enough now to take care of themselves - time to cut the apron strings and stop trying to please everyone. It sounds as if there is always going to be conflict in your family. Maybe you need to accept that, realize that it is not your fault, and spend some time focussing on yourself and your needs. A walk in the park? Coffee with friends? Window shopping? Give yourself some space to breathe and don't forget about YOU.

None of us is perfect. We all just do our best. And that is enough. No-one has to be supermum - our children have their own lives, and that is how it should be.

Ellu

[Snowdrop]

Thank you so much everyone for your comments. I have to say that for several years all my children 'dumped' on me. That is that one would ring and talk about what an idiot their sister/brother was then that was followed up by another one and one it went. I of course - being me - would constantly try and 'fix' whatever the current problem was usually by use of a lot of platitudes none of which did any good.

I never wanted to upset the one I was talking to - I think because I was worried I might make it worse and also I often didn't agree with whatever one of them was saying but I didn't want to say so in case I made it worse. This lasted for a few years and I think actually caused things to get worse. I should have had the 'Nerve' or whatever to jump on all three of them but I didn't and  now that is water under the bridge and I can't go back and change it.

Somewhere along the way though my daughter and son came to their senses, or had come to their senses ages ago but finally found the nerve to tell me that what was going on between them was nothing to do with me and I should stop worrying. They said that while they currently could not have communication with their brother because of his attitude they still cared for his as their brother and they would always be there for him if he needed help.

So all I am hearing from at the moment is my depressed son and I just don't see how I can tell him I don't want to hear! I've tried to say it in different ways but he doesn't fully get the message.

I have to say that this breakdown in communication between them seems to actually be better for my d son because he is not constantly wound up from having conversations with them (usually ones that he starts).

But Christmas has brought it to a head because my d son has made it clear all over again that he wants no contact, communication or even to be in the same room as them, that he is not even sending them a card and on and on.

I find myself wanting to hit myself around the ear! my children are in their early 40's - let them get on with it - and I have to say that if none of them had any issues I would just tell all of them to shut up and go away (although of course I wouldn't mean it that way .......................... 🙂

But having the one d son puts a diffferent slant on everything. I don't feel I can say that. I know he doesn't have close friends and despite all - family does mean a lot to him. He continues to want as close a relationship (through me) with his nephews.

What I am trying to do is to support him but somehow find something from somewhere within me that will help me to accept that this is the way things are and they are grown up people with their own lives to lead and I should cut the apron strings.

But does cutting the apron strings leave my son adrift when I feel it is the one thing that currently keeps him grounded.

As I read what I have written and as I think through it clearly I realise that actually there is no answer. I'm searching for something that doesn't exist. My children will always be my children regardless of the age they are and I can't cut adrift the one who particularly needs my help.

So someone I have to find something that will give me a little peace inbetween my son's bouts of depression.

Regards to all.

[Appleblossom]

So glad you posted this .. seems very relevant .. I havent given it sufficient thought yet

I need to adress my own issue at the moment ..

Really struck by your phrase "wanting to hit myself around the ear" .. a sure sign that enough has been dumped on you.  Know that feeling .. 

The "cutting apron strings" .. metaphor .. is so open to interpretation .. weaning .. can be gradual and also sudden ... in a child's independance .. or sense of abandonment .. when nobody is there to pick up the pieces and fix things .. 

I have had to heal huge wounds about my daughter .. whom I was never really allowed to parent naturally anyway .. its tricky.