@Mazarita
Hello Mazarita,
Thank you for your note:
“Let's talk about Bipolar” Page 1.
The "step incident" was, I think, just the awareness from prior experience that the downs are followed by ups and vice versa.
In another thread, I had said that at the very low points I would look forward, with anticipation of the up or high. So 'looking upward with anticipation' to counter the 'looking downward with fear' aspect.
Your reference to your father sounds eerily close to mine. My father would ignore me, literally walking through the space that I had occupied, because I would have to move to avoid being steam-rolled. This would be his manner for weeks at a time. During that time he would not talk to me or make any reference to me. It was as though, for him, I did not exist. Most, and I would really say, all the time I would not know the reason, if there ever was a reason for this behaviour toward me.
Often I would wish that I could die. My thoughts were that if I could die doing something worthwhile, then my life would have some meaning or purpose. This was during my school years and to some degree, those thoughts have persisted during my adult years.
I have commented that later on, one of the major reasons for not more deeply considering this option was the possible effect that it would have on my children.
Today has been a day of reflection because the power was off from 7.30 am to 6.00 pm, for work to be done by the power company. So an enforced day of no 'distraction'.
During my meditation, I have been "flushing" the feelings of physical & emotional pain, anxiety, sadness, self-criticism, grief, fear, anger, & disappointment. My aim is to minimise those aspects in my life without removing awareness of the events, so that I can still make use of the lessons learned from the events.
This is the first time, that I can recall, that I have openly referred to a lot of those feelings. I was 27 when a counsellor asked me what my feelings were about a particular subject, to which I responded
"I think that....." and she interjected saying "No I am asking you how you feel, not what you think". Even then the difference between feelings and thoughts was not entirely clear to me.
"Children don't have feelings, do they."
Other Related Comments
I have tried to wean myself off medication also with the same result as you have had. Not good. However, it is possible that medication, other than the antidepressant that I take, may be better for me.
I've downloaded the Black Dog Institute material, and now need to go through it.
I can certainly identify with not feeling “any real state of wellness mentally, nor functional with school or work.” during my life from childhood when I was constantly asking myself “Why do I seem different from...” my peer group, among whom I was not readily accepted. However, there can be many other reasons for the answers to that question.
I don't know enough about bipolar to make an informed comment about genetic connections, but as my father is said (unconfirmed but from a normally reliable source) to have suffered bipolar, and I have a range of symptoms that seem to correlate with the symptom range of bipolar, I would think the connection, generally, is likely.
I will check out the two names that you suggested. I am aware of Jung, but not very familiar with his work, but I didn't know of James.
Appreciate the discussion with You All
Thank you @Mazarita and everyone else for the insight, information and discussion.
With Best Wishes
HenryX
