Lived Experience Forum

[jem80]

When people know that I have a mental illness they show no respect. They want to control the conversation. They believe that I have no opinion. That I am treating them like they are stupid.

How do I stay polite but assertive in my line of conversation?

Why is it that they are allowed to show disacordance but I am not?

I feel worthless when it occurs, that I have nothing to contribute to the conversation and then be expected to contribute to the conversation when they want to.

How do I get back control?

[Former-Member]

hi @jem80

A good topic to kick off here! Sorry to read that you have been disrespected in this way.

There is still much stigma around mental illness and often people who have had little experience with it can stereotype it and even be uncertain how to talk to a person affected. And of course people are affected in different ways.

I think the first point is that you get to choose who you tell about your illness, the same as you would do with any health condition. Good to be selective there, as some people do judge unfortunately. Your MI is one aspect of you, but not WHO you are.

Being assertive can help, which means firm but friendly tone, good eye contact, using I think/feel statements rather than blaming statements, and so on. Not to be confused with being forceful. Courtesy is always helpful.

Good to keep in mind that not everyone will agree with you or get along with you, which can have nothing to do with your mental illness.

What do others have to share on this?

Frog

[Heart]

@jem80, @Former-Member, Totally agree on all! 

It is a hard thing to learn to be assertive in the right way with out being or sounding like you are ruling the conversation.

The way you discribed how to be assertive @Former-Member has made alot of sense and an easy way to understand (thank you).

@jem80, members of my family do this to me and yes it annoys the heck out of me. 

🙂

[Sahara]

Hi @jem80,

I deal with the people who don't respect me by not getting into any more conversations about MI with them. I find that personally, it's way too draining for me. I just let things lie. 

If they would like to respectfully open a new conversation about MI, then I am all ears.... and I am very, very careful about what I say in response. I choose my words.

I'm a private person anyway, and I would rather talk to a counsellor, who is objective and non-judgemental, than I would to a friend or relative. That's just me. 

It's tricky, @jem80, because my family members have in some ways even contributed to my MI in the first place- I'm from a family with a lot of conflict and previously some verbal abuse. So I have to be careful. It's like many of the same behaviors/conflicts that led to me developing depression while I was growing up are now still present, in a slightly different form- from the same people.

I love them, but i don't give them much to go on!

[Shimmer]

Hi @jem80,

Great points from @Former-Member, @Heart and @Sahara.

Just thought I'd add an assertiveness framework that I find helpful. It consists of 4 statements:

1) "When you... [describe person's behaviour]"

2) "I feel... [describe emotional effect on you]"

3) "Can we... [suggest course of action]"

4) "So that... [goal/reason this is important to you]"

It may seem simplistic, but I find it a useful practical tool to improve communication without triggering defensiveness in others. If you choose to try it I'd be interested to hear how you go.

Take care,

Shimmer

[BlueBay]

There good points @Shimmer

My problem is that I am a 'people pleaser' and if i was to say something like that - i just couldn't because i would fear so much that i would be upsetting the other person (does that make sense??)

Most of my life i have always agreed with my mum and now i struggle with being assertive to others.

[Former-Member]

That's why I don't tell people I have a mental illness unless I am very close to them.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @BlueBay

All your life agreeing with .. and making life easier for mother ....

That is a huge statement in the context of the depth of your sense of betrayal re her rejection.  

I feel the same about my mum.  I always defended her in spite of the early abandonment, but she didnt really care in the long run either.

Take care ... be the best mother of yourself.

[BlueBay]

Thank you @Appleblossom
I'm starting to see how manipulated I was by her. But no more. I am my own person who can make decisions and choices. I want my kids to be independent and I think they already are. I'm so proud of my 3 adult children.
I so understand the trouble you must have gone through with your mum. I'm so sorry. No one deserves to have mums like we did.
Tske care xxxooo

[Appleblossom]

Its funny .. I really valued and put a lot of effort into my kids being independent too .. must have been a subconscious awareness that I was still attached ...and a forward projection .. it heps me deal with my daughters .. my mamma's apron strings were very long .. cos I really was pretty independent too ..

You have a special position being the only female in the family .. wear it with dignity  .. of your choosing ..  its great you get out with dog .. but we all need a place inside and out of the sun.