Lived Experience Forum

[BaileyRyan]

Following my last post, I've basically been diagnosed with PND again. I feel like it's definitely worse this time around. My partner knows and seems to want to be supportive but he is the worst. I feel like I'm locked up in this house with my two girls all day every day. I look forward to my weekends because I know he'll be home and it'll take some of the pressure off me. But every time I try to rely on him, he takes off to hang out with mates, or do favours for his family. I feel like I'm screaming out for help and it's falling on deaf ears. My family knows about the diagnosis, but it's seems like they think my doctor is wrong or something. I just hate how people tell you to speak up when you need help, and when you do, no one is willing to listen. I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I don't think I'd actually ever SH but I honestly think about it daily. I love my girls but I need a break! I can't keep going the way I am because I'm not being a good mum at the moment. I'm constantly scared that I'm going to hurt them unintentionally. It's like there's a monster inside me that I can't control. I lost it at my oldest daughter the other day, and I squeezed her arm so hard that I actually bruised her. I feel terrible. The last thing I want is to be abusive in any way, and I don't want to hurt my babies. But I can't control it. My partner knows that this happened, but didn't say anything and still isn't helping me. I'm due to see a new psychologist in a week, and I don't really want to go on meds, but at this point it feels like I don't have time to get better. My kids need me to be a good mum and I can't. I know that my mum was abusive like this to me as a child, so it makes me wonder whether it's the depression or how I was brought up that's made me this way. I truly feel like I'm at the end of my tether. It's so hard to enjoy time with my children because I constantly feel angry and drained, exhausted and just over it all.

[NikNik]

Hi @BaileyRyan

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. You have been really strong in reaching out for help.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be without the support of your partner. I wonder if he's not too sure HOW to help.

Have you been in touch with @PANDA yet? You are never alone - they are a phone call away. You can reach them between 10am - 5pm AEST on 1300 726 306

It's wonderful that you're seeing a psychologist. You're doing all you can to get better - and you should be really proud of yourself for that.

You are definately not the only one going through this - @Nickyb posted about her experiences here a few months ago. I hope in reading this you know that you aren't alone.

Hope to see you posting again soon.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @BaileyRyan It is so hard when you are at the end of your tether. Persist in finding support. I went to the Gray Sisters once in Canterbury Rd Melbourne. I dont know where you live or what services are available. I hope Panda can help.  You are not a monster.  You are under pressure.

Gentleigh Bentleigh

[PE2016]

Hi there, oh my god your words are exactly how I feel. It's so comforting to know someone else has these thoughts. It's utterly terrifying. I went to the doctor today and got a prescription for anti-depressants. I have been seeing a Psychologist for around 6 months but have had no improvement. I'm terrified of taking the medication as I'm still breastfeeding.

[BaileyRyan]

I'm still breast feeding too. I didn't want to accept the prescription from my doctor because I know that I'll struggle to eventually come off the medication. I saw a physiologist with my PND previously, and it seemed to help. But I feel like whatever the problem is, is much bigger and more aggressive this time around. Hopefully talking to someone helps. I hope that the medication works for you @PE2016 and feel free to let me know how you go!

[traveline]

You are obviously so much under pressure that I can totally understand you flipping out. Take the pressure off yourself. Hire a nanny maybe an option? Someone else who can look after the kids for some days? Parents? Siblings? A friend? Some after school care maybe? Just until you're up with it again and can function. When I'm depressed I have issues feeding my self or my fish! Not to think of children... I think you are very strong and I feel for you. The more stress you experience, the harder it gets. What would your partner do if you end up in hospital for a couple of nights? I thought PND has something to do with hormones? Maybe a test for your hormones could help shedding light before tampering around with anti depressants? Just a thought, I"m not really helping, but anyways, you don't have to take the pills forever. Just until things calmed down a bit. And even if your kids have to have some formula for a while, that will not hurt them as much as an angry mum I think. Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you can 'prefill' some bottles? I saw some mums doing this and storing them in a huge fridge for later. Maybe there is a home test for your milk? I dunno, just hope you go and get help and have a rest. You really need a rest I think and look after yourself. You're already having suicidal thoughts. I had them before and it's scary. Please go and get some help in your household. I babysitted for a woman with PND. It helped her greatly because she could rest during the day and I would look after the kids. Maybe worth a consideration? It only needs to be for a couple of hours or half a day so you can relax a bit. Allow yourself some time out, your brain needs it. Please take care.

[BaileyRyan]

I suppose I never really thought about how much I was doing for everybody else and nothing for myself. I guess it all just came crashing down when I realized it was all too late. I spent the day applying for jobs yesterday. As much as I hate the thought of someone else 'raising' my children and missing their milestones, I feel like I would benefit greatly by returning back to work. I think that some time out from the kids would do me some good. And although I'll be at work, I won't be listening to constant whinge, playing with blocks, reading the same book 100 times, etc. I love being a mum bit two years of this without a break, is bound to drive you bonkers. I can't express enough milk to feed, but I've been looking at beginning formula.

I've actually found that if I distract myself for the day by getting out of the house, visiting people etc, the day seems to be much better. I don't lose my temper near as much, and I can actually enjoy the time with my girls. Maybe that my key to health? Just to get out more and stop letting my mind get to me when I'm at home.

[miss_m2]

Hi. I wondered how you were getting on a few months down the track?

Mr is 8 months old today and I don't feel like I'm coping. He isn't even a terrible baby but sometimes I can't stand to be around him. I know my partner tries but I don't feel like he is much help, he works 6 days and when he is around I feel like he's always on the phone or doing odd jobs. All our family and closest friends are interstate. I can't decide if I'm just struggling being a first time Mum or if maybe it is PND?