Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

I feel like I’m alone in the world, that nobody really understands me or even tries to. My family (blood relatives) said just before Christmas that they wished I was dead. Yes it was said in a moment of exasperation, but those words have stuck with me. I tried not to let them know that I was hospitalised recently, as I didn’t want to be labelled an attention grabber.

Since I’ve been home,  my Mrs has only been interested in her kids and her mum. I’ve been spending most of my time in our bedroom on my iPad. The kids have taken over the house (as kids inevitably do) and nobody seems interested in including me in family activities. It’s like I’ve been ghosted by them. If I come out of the room into the main part of the house, I am ignored. All they do is watch Netflix all day and night. I feel like I’m an intruder in my own home. I don’t belong.

I have also discovered that people who I thought were friends, I have nothing in common with. Most of my friends are in their twenties or early thirties, they have nothing in common with someone who is middle aged. I have no idea when it comes to their music or fashion and I’m not interested in drinking until I pass out. Friends my own age have families of their own and careers... something I missed out on. I have nobody from a friendship base that I can relate to or who attempts to relate to me.

It is a very lonely existence.

I am still searching for my tribe me thinks. 

Anyone else still searching too?

[Appleblossom]

@Queenie 

Always Seeking.

A bit before my time ... not quite that old yet ... lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZf41UudAbI 

Not sure how others post music links so that the picture shows up in the post rather that code ??

[Queenie]

Hey @Appleblossom  thanks for posting that song! I can’t get over how young Athol looks there! 😊 I needed to hear those words of that song. It’s also kind of comforting to know I’m not alone in my search.

[BryanaCamp]

@Queenie maybe you should try taking an interest in your partner & her kids, learn about what they're interested in, ask them questions about that. Have you asked her partner how she's feeling, if she wants to talk about anything or needs practical help with anything?

I'm middle-aged & with my nephews they just seem to stare at their phones all the time & grunt. But I make an extra special effort to learn about their interests (e.g. music/bands, basketball) and ask them questions about it. I show them I'm taking an interest in them & that gets the conversation going.

You haven't said anything about your social skills - if you're caring & attentive & warm, or if you're awkward, aloof & cold. I think we need to look at how we relate to people, what impact we have on them (positives & negatives) and take responsibility for that. It's not fair to put all the responsibility on others to make us feel connected & like we belong. We have to meet people half way, for me it feels like 90% of the work is done by me! I put tonnes of work into connecting & relating to people.

[Queenie]

Hey @BryanaCamp , it's not like I try to meet them half way, hell knows I do. But it's like I'm not a member of their tribe and so I'm not included. My Mrs even says she loves the dog more than me! I know I need to improve my social skills, I used to be a real social butterfly and attracted people, but now I only seem to be contacted by people when they want something from me. I've grown awkward and aloof but definitely not cold. I am an expressive human being. All the kids seem to do is watch Netflix all bloody day and Lord help anyone who strikes up a conversation then (you'll normally cop a death stare!). My Mrs says she loves me but then does weird things like plan a date night, only to cancel it or have her mother come along... how is that possibly a date?

I know what the kids are interested in, heck I bought them lavish gifts which were right up each child's individual alley, but other than a forced thank you, did not acknowledge me. I did put a lot of effort into each purchase for Christmas (as I did for my Mrs), trying to get each person an item they'd really love and appreciate. 

I help around the house and take on an active role in the running of the household, so not sure where you're going with this, I'm certainly not lazy! I just think to be honest that everyone in my home is ghosting me because they are somewhat frightened of me due to my schizophrenia. They watch all these horror movies and crime thrillers whereby people with my illness are poorly portrayed. Heck, my Mrs says she finds me "freaky". 

I largely feel like an outsider in my own home. I'm stuck however because I've often said I need my own patch of soil away from living with the In-Laws (which we currently do and the Mrs said she will until her Mum passes on in about I suppose twenty years' time). I hate feeling like I need to ask if I can have a glass of water or use the toilet, or take a shower all the time.

[BryanaCamp]

hey @Queenie . yeah that does sounds like a hostile and difficult living environment. Yikes, I hear you. Listening to you, I feel like I'm in a time-warp & a teenager back on access weekends with step-mother breathing down my neck not to exist or have any needs such as needing to use to WC or hydration. It's a nightmare. There's literally nowhere to move.

I'd hoped things were better for you. But It's sad that things are that bad. I hear you mate.

Hang in there. It's just a rotten time of year.

Shit. Where can you go? It's Ny's and familial expectations high. I guess you just gotta hang around the house? you don't wanna go out & meet a bunch of pissed idiots. Take the wholesome option & stay in.

From a purely practical perspective I want to suggest community gardens to you. I live in an inner-city appartment & feel lonely & claustrophibic in it ( I'm alone, that's not on anyone else) so I've got into the local community garden - takes some social skills but it gives me the opportunity to at least have my own patch of dirt (literally) & grow some herbs. Recently harvested is mint & tarragon. Good stuff. Parsleys's gone to seed but that's Nature.

That's great you met everyone's needs with your xmas gifts, that's really thoughtful & to be applauded. Go you. Give yourself some points for that. I don't know what to say about being schizophrenic mate. It sucks. I recently confided in 3 friends that I was schizophrenic & struggling. They've responded with coldness & shock, like, really, "Bryanna Camp your'e a schizo, aren't your workign full time???". And I'm like, Jesus mate, I can barely make it through a shower, let alone putting on mascara for my game-face, let alone rocking up for a shift at work!!". People just don't seem to get it. I don't know why it's so hard for "normals" to understand us.

You're warm & extroverted & social @Queenie . That's mega cool, many a person with crippling social anxiety would be envious of your skills. But I know what it's like to have friends who don't get it, don't understand your loneliness.

Keep posting. If you've got a Mrs. you're far superior to me - I live alone with Mr Cat, a cat. I'm listening mate Your home is sucky right now but maybe there are good things to come in 2020... you could grow some veggies... thyme.. rocket...meet some new people, volunteer, who knows, you mentioned working with children on another post so that sounds cool & full of potential...don't let the current claustriphobia taint your vision for the future 🙂

[Maggie]

Yea @Queenie  still searching. Hearing you loud and clear, with nothing helpful to offer, other that ‘ I get you’. Take care. You are a warm caring human. 💜💜💜

[greenpea]

@Queenie  Hey Queenie I hope you will join us tonite for the New Years Eve celebratons on Sane. It will be fun and give you a break from your worries :). We all love our Queenie. Love peaxxx