Lived Experience Forum

[Dark_Olena]

What do you do to overcome being bitter because of dissappointment? I find that dissappointments from grown adult children are affecting me so much, that it just runs around my head like a cyclone, and I am bitter and angry and sad all at the same time. My middle son's partner decided that they were only coming by to collect gifts on Chrismas day and not having a meal, and my oldest son saw how it affected me and said, dont worry mum I'll be here.  

Now oldest son's partner is changing it up for me and trying to put in me that we celebrate it up to 1 week before christmas, with middle son and his partner and all of us. This would be fine if the 2 son's partners could be in the same room together and not making other people prefer to eat and swallow glass than sit and see how thick the air was. My oldest's partner just pouts and looks at hte table cloth. We've had many an awkward dinner date in the past.

I just want to let it all go, it hurts like hell. I predicted this and said to my oldest son, please dont promise me anything. His girlfriend doesnot like our family and it has been said, that her passion is to hate. My son thought it was funny, but I think its twisted.

I get it, sons make their own lives but so many dont do it at  the exclusion of their own parents and siblings. I dont want to be in their pocket, but I dont want to feel excluded either.

His girlfriend booked tickets to a rock concert, out of 3 dates she chose my daughters 18th birthday. They conveniently couldnt make my daughters graduation either. I'm not going to be able to make people do what they dont want to do. I just have to get over it, its hurting my too much.

How do I begin letting my grown boys go, I really thought I had, but its obvious excluding us is part of this letting go.

Its a real phsycial agony, and I cant but wish this pain upon the people inflicting this, just so they can gain some darn empathy. I am too afraid to express this pain verbally as I have lost family over saying what I felt.

[Passaggressive]

lots of familys or maybe most have there planning and politic issues you should bring up with troyble makers when all there and listening and get the group to thrash out so you can enjoy

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Dark_Olena

It sounds like a very diffiucult situation and your right, you can't make anyone do what they dont want to do but as I read your post I was just wondering if that was accurate. Is it that your boys dont want to spend christmas day / other events with you or is it just that they feel pulled in many directions? 

i know that you said you have had diffiulties when you have verbally expressed your pain in the past but I wonder if you expressed it evenly last time? or were you in too much pain to do so? did you say I understand that you need to be with your partner etc but I feel sad when your not here i need etc and come to a mutual agreement? or did you (for example) tell them  you were angry they were inconsiderate and so they became defensive and the conversation escalated or ended without you getting what you needed

its always a hard juggling act, and you may have already done this but as they way we communicate is so important I just thought I would ask

I hope that something shifts soon 

[esprit]

I don't think there is any pain greater then feeling let down by the people we love most in the world our children It's not abnormal to feel this way. You have every right to your feelings. Your probably just a sensitive caring mother who just wants a happy Xmas without drama. Nothing wrong with that. Don't think there is anything wrong with you. Unfortunately kids do have there own lives and don't realise sometimes how much their behaviour affects parents. Sometimes I just have to shut down so I don't feel the hurt. It's not good but what I have to do to be ok. I hope it all turns out for you. Merry Xmas to you xx

[Ellu]

Dear Dark_Olena,

I read your post and it nearly made me cry. I have 4 children, 31, 30 and twins of 26. They, too are entering that stage of life when they are establishing their own lives and sometimes come into conflict with family demands. The hardest thing in the world (well it has been for me) is to let go of your children and accept that their own lives have become more important than yours.

Having said that, I would have killed my children if they behaved in some of the ways you describe! We still have an understanding that at certain times of year - Christmas, Easter and birthdays- we try to come together asa family. It gets really complicated when the chldren have partners and are being pulled in two different directions, and not everyone always shows up, but it sort of comes together. 

Maybe you are expecting too much at Christmas? Maybe you should think about simplyfying the whole thing, for example turning Christmas into a drinks rather than a whole cooked dinner? That way your children and their partners could just drop in for a while and the pressure would be off.

All their lives you have organized a fantastic Christmas for the children, and I know you still want to do so, but there comes a time when everything becomes too difficult emotionally as well as physically. You have to decide what you can do for Christmas which wouldn't leave you feeling stressed and upset. Maybe if Christmas Day is too difficult everyone could call in for a drink on Boxing Day?

Your children's behaviour is no reflection on you. No mother is perfect, no child is perfect. You are dealing with adults now, and you should be able to expect the same respect and consideration from them as you have always given them. Make a radical change to Christmas - simplyfy it so that you can still get together but without a whole lot of unrealistic expectations. It is supposed to be a happy time of year, so change some things aound so that no-one (least of all you) is under pressure. I hope it all works out,

Ellu 

[1stepup61]

Hi @Dark_Olena, I have grown children & when i have spoken to other women the same, we realised that the way families function is different now to how us baby boomers grew up. Where xmas day was a full day event with our families, the younger ones now are always on the move. They want to spend time with friends and family. At graduations now there is usually a limit of 2 guests, usually just the parents which your daughter may have discussed with her brothers? The pain you talk about, i felt that to when i realised my hopes and dreams for them, was nothing like they wanted for themselves. There was many a heated talk & i remember one day going shopping and i started crying and couldnt stop. our children dont mean to hurt us, they are just getting on with their life as adults should, its just so hard on the parents. can u talk to your partner or friend how your feeling? If you kids only want to come over for an hour or so, ok, keep it simple and enjoy the time you have with them & dont let resentment eat you up, because this time will pass. I remember complaining about something my daughter was doing that i didnt agree with & she said, if you dont like it you dont have to come! I started crying i was so hurt, it wasnt her fault, it was just hard for me to let go.My thoughts are with you! Bye, @1stepup61