Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello all

I thought that I would write about a part of a conversation I had with my husband last night.

Firstly I will quickly tell  you that we have been together for just over 7 years, married 2 months.

When he first met me, he told me that I am the strongest female he has ever met or known. He had witnessed me go through one catastrophe after another.

His family are not people I would choose to have in my life, however they are a part of it now as little as possible that I can manage without causing any friction. Several of them are judgemental and critical, so i tend to play musical chairs around them. Needless to say they know very little about me.

Last night I was discussing with my husband, my twin sister's situation at home. He turned to me and said "that is something that I just dont get about you, whenever you are in the company of your mum, your sister, your sons you are happy and bubbly. When you are with me you aren't like that most of the  time. I said "stop there and think about what you have just said" I then explained that I wear a mask with them, so that they think that I am fine. They know that I have been hospitalised before and by wearing the mask they dont  have to worry about me. With my husband, I feel safe enough to let the mask slip sometimes, glimpses of my illness can be seen. I told him that he is the only person in my whole life I have been able to feel safe enough with to do that with other than my psychiatrists.

He said that he understood what I was saying. I know that he doesnt get it, he probably never will. So I know that I will probably wear the mask more firmly whilst I am able to.

wondering how this is for others.

[Change123]

@Former-Member

I'm exactly the same especially at work.  My partner has often said to me why dont you treat me like a work colleague or something because you are always thought of as "sweet ......".  In times of his rage he has stated that he is sick of people thinking of me as being so nice when all he sees is all the crap.  He would not understand either if I told him that, he would say well wear one for me.

I'm not sure if you have BPD @Former-Member but especially us as one of our issues is that we are unable to relate to "who we actually are" so we wear masks so we fit in with society or because we dont want people to know.

I think wearing a mask is very common around MI and a way of coping.

Take care

[Appleblossom]

There are many reasons why we may need to wear masks .. not all of them bad or inauthentic .. I have tried to protect those I care about for seeing the worst of my torment .. but not always poss

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member&@change123 @Appleblossom
Oh I wear my mask all the time. Very different at work at home and at my sessions with psych.
I think I do it to protect the family from worrying about. But lately my mask is slowly coming off and they are seeing the effect mental illness is having on me.

[Former-Member]

I think it is part of the territory with MI @Former-Member. I wear my mask most with my parents and children. It backfires with my parents frequently who have the assumption if I spent more time with them I'd be happier. They have no idea of the effort involved to put that mask on and keep it on during family events. I have moments of having it on and off with friends although it is rarely all the way off. I avoid everyone when I'm really bad so I guess that is a form of mask too. It seems your husband is supportive but not totally understanding of your MI. I really don't think that in life it is possible to have true empathy or understanding until you've lived it. I think every ailment is true for this not just mental health ones. I have no understanding of what it is like to have a cancer or diabetes or chronic pain as examples. I can guess but I'll never really understand until it happens to me. If it has not been part of your life before it must be difficult to understand. I give my friends and family lots of leeway with me because I get how hard it is to understand. However, I hope that my kids although they don't really get it have much more empathy for others they come across as they have experienced my roller coaster with MI. I hope today finds you ok. Take care and best wishes @mohill💜🤗

[Former-Member]

hello @BlueBay that is what is happening to me and my mask is so old. I think it is starting to crack. it is actually a horrible feeling when I have worn it for so long.

[Former-Member]

hello @Change123 no I have major depressive & anxiety disorder apparently. I wear the mask and say I am fine that way I don't get told to stop worrying, you are so lucky, you just have to get on with it, we all have bad days, be strong- that last one really gets to me if they knew how strong I was being wearing the mask in the first place and how strong I am in not telling them what they can do with their comments. fume.

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member

my twin sister had cancer and after her operation i was in the intensive care unit holding her hand waiting for her to come to, hating every minute of seeing her like that. i watched her suffer through chemotherapy and come out the other end cancer free.

when i have been hospitalised she wont visit she tells me that she cant cope seeing me in there. i've told her that we are not chained to the beds, it is a people friendly hospital but her and my mum wont visit.

That hurts me. My emotional pain when I hit rockbottom and didnt want to be around anymore was devastating as was her chance of losing her life. Is there a difference? Or am I being very selfish?

[Former-Member]

Oh @Former-Member. I'm so sorry, that is really heartbreaking that she won't visit you in a mental health facility. After reading just the first part of your post I thought that was really unfair and unkind. I most definitely don't think it is selfish on your behalf. I guess when I wrote it I wasn't thinking of someone living so close to a visible illness. I choose not to have any family visit me when I'm in hospital for any reason but that is a very personal choice and I really don't advocate that for anyone else but for me, I need space to deal with things on my own. I also know that most people really want and need close family support during hospitalisation. I must say I'm really surprised by your mother and twin sister. There is no difference visiting any ward in a hospital. I really hope you don't need to experience this again. Sending hugs 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member - I was in hospital 3 times over a 30 month period and they didn't visit once. I have had depression on and off since I was a child apparently. it doesn't like catastrophes so the mask hides it from the outside world but it works its damage inside.