I've really been struggling with excessive exercise lately, it feeds into my eating disorder and wanting to change the way that I look, not being happy with my physical appearance, it gives me a sense of achievement when I can reach goals that I set for myself, needing to punish myself, but mostly at the moment it is helping me cope with some significant trauma responses.
I know that I exercise far too much, my healthy self knows that and my dietitian really challenged me about it yesterday. She asked me how much I felt was enough and I said my healthy self knows that an hour a day is sufficient, which she agreed. But when she continues by talking about setting myself a goal of just doing an hour, I... or my eating disorder self got really annoyed and upset. I didn't like that someone was telling me what to do.
I did eventually come to an agreement that I would only exercise during the day while my daughter was at school, as I want to be more present with her. And that after a set time I would get off and see how I feel instead of just going to the point of exhaustion.
It's the weekend, so my daughter is home, but I set myself a limit today, which I have been able to stick to and we have then done something nice together. Although I am really anxious and itching to get back to it, I really want to try and not get back on the bike today. I'd like to listen to my body and rest for the remainder of the day.
I also had something for lunch today. It wasn't much, not sufficient, but I at least had something which is a huge achievement for me at the moment.
Small wins 💕
