Lived Experience Forum

[Crazycatlady222]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and I signed up to this forum as I’m desperate for advice and help. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and it’s destroying my relationship. I love my girlfriend so much but I’m so terrified I’m ruining my relationship with my splits. Everytime I feel a split coming I literally tell myself “don’t take it out on her” or “don’t do it just don’t say anything” but in the end, I can never stop myself from doing whatever my brain is saying even though I know that the me I am when I’m not splitting will hate me for causing more problems. I’m so desperate I just want to be able to control my emotions so I can end this cycle. The relationship I’m in now has been my longest and best relationship. We have been together for almost 2 years and it never used to be like this. It’s only so bad now because I had a really rough time last year which caused my BPD to get significantly worse. She treats me so well and we have so much love for one another. I don’t want to treat her badly ever but I do when I’m splitting and it’s killing me. I know that if I continue acting/behaving poorly when I’m in my emotional mind I’m going to end up losing her once she can’t handle it anymore. I’m so scared and lost and I know that I probably deserve to lose her considering the way I act with my BPD. I feel so horrible for my actions and how they affect her and it’s killing me because simultaneously, I can’t stop myself from doing the things that lead to me hurting her.  I beat myself up over my actions every single day, it’s caused me to hate myself and I’m always in a loop of feeling guilty for the things I’ve said and done in the past. I promise I’m not trying to be a bad person. I just don’t know how to stop myself from doing this. I have a psychologist and a psychiatrist but the advice my psychologist gives me never seems to work in the moment. She can give me all of these helpful ways to cope and I say I’m going to use them but once I’ve started splitting I can’t control it. My psych has told me I need to identify when it’s about to get out of control so I can do things to help stop it. But I have a very hard time identifying it and usually once I do realise, it’s too late. I feel so out of control and so afraid. Can someone please help me. I’m so sorry 

[tyme]

Welcome to the world of BPD 🙂 @Crazycatlady222 . I want you to know you are not alone. I hear everything you are saying and I can relate to most of it. 

I also have BPD. The difference is that you seem to be so insightful into what goes on for you and what you'd ideally want. That's certainly a great start!

Have you tried specific therapies for BPD?

[Crazycatlady222]

Hi!

Thank you so much for making me feel less alone. I haven’t had much success with therapy in the past but about a month or two ago I got an appointment and I’ve been trying my best with it. I’m doing schema therapy but I’m having trouble opening up to my psychologist fully. I get scared to tell her things because they make me feel like such a bad person. I feel so guilty about how my mental health has impacted others and all of the things I’ve done while having BPD. When the psychologist gives me strategies my brain tells me that they will not work because I haven’t told her all of these bad things I’ve done 

[tyme]

You are certainly not alone @Crazycatlady222 !

How I look at BPD is that it's taken you a lifetime to build up to using these unhelpful coping strategies (e.g. impulsive actions, outbursts, rage).. therefore, it takes time to practice and relearn helpful coping strategies. For me, I went to an intensive 18 months of Mentalisation based therapy. It included both individual and group therapy. It's done wonders. I am a completely different person now to what I used to be. I found the group therapy the hardest, but it was what made the most difference. The therapy consisted twice weekly therapy of about 3 hours a week. 

I also learnt a few DBT skills and found that helpful in thinking about things in different ways so that I wasn't only relying on my emotional brain.

Another thing I found helpful was setting boundaries for myself. That is, when I feel I'm about to have an emotional outburst, I walk away before I say anything I may regret. Alternatively, you can let your gf know that when you are upset, to walk away and check-in at an agreed time. This protects both you and her.

Hope this helps!

[MermaidHair]

Hey @Crazycatlady222 welcome to the forums 👋 I'm glad you found your way here!

I understand it must be extremely upsetting knowing only in hindsight what has happened and not being able to control things when in the midst of a split. I don't have BPD myself but have experienced it with loved ones and I know how difficult it can be for all involved.

You seem very self aware and even though you might be feeling like that's only when it's a little too late, that's what it takes. You've already taken the biggest step towards healing and recovery, identifying and seeking help, that's awesome. As @tyme pointed out you didn't develop BPD coping mechanisms overnight, so it's going to take time and patience to unlearn and implement new thinking and behaviours. Try be kind to yourself while you're doing this!

A really good friend of mine did individual and group DBT, I always see these highly recommended. If you do a search of BPD, Borderline or DBT on this forum you'll probably find a lot of information and even more people who you can relate to,

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Crazycatlady222 welcome to the forums!

I know the pain of splitting on a partner all too well. While it doesn't feel like you have control you absolutely do, it's just a muscle that needs some training. 

The greatest thing I've learned is that when I feel that red hot rage I get outside and I go for a long walk. I've taught my partner about BPD. I journal- I get away from my partner and I write every harmful, disgusting, angry thought I have and once it's out - it's got way less power.

[PeppyPatti]

Dear @Crazycatlady222 

I feel pleased and also positively surprised at your insight. 

My Mum has tried to completely destroy me since a tiny toddler with her antics. In that you understand and are open to change makes me feel youd'e be a good spokesperson in the future once you feel more on track with your relationship. 

I remember going to a brilliant group therapy once a week for carers and people suffering a diagnosis run by Carers Gateway In Western Australia. What made it good was that was very well facilitated. Remembering that time, anyone could arrive. Could you look around or even ask your GP or Psychologist what group therapies are around ? 

Do you think this could be something that you could both learn by and impart your knowledge on ? 

I was married to a man with mental ill health issues ( and other unmet needs ) for over 10 years. We are still close but divorced. He was over at my place today taking me out for a cuppa. 

Your message is full of positive messages for me. In that your willing for change and do the work is two. 

Take care, you are important,