Lived Experience Forum

[margsxxx]

Hi, I've been diagnosed with a number of things, borderline being one of them. I have lots of friends and family who love me ... but it makes me feel like more of a failure and a burden because I'm not getting better. Everyone is telling me to put things like a job on hold and work on my mental health but the only thing I've ever wanted is to be able to function like a "normal adult". I know that everyone has their own issues and struggles and I understand that, but every time I see my friends going out and partying or travelling or moving up in their career, it makes me feel like such a failure because I'm not moving forward. I've read stories online about people with borderline who are able to have a somewhat normal life (have decent relationships, start a family, hold down a job etc), and for a second there's that glimpse of hope that perhaps I can too, but then the reality of how much I have to work through dawns on me and I get scared again. 

Currently, I was just in a car accident (DUI) and although I wish I didn't survive, I am regretful of what I did and I'm scared that this has just created a harder path for me to have a future. I know I made a huge mistake and I'm not trying to excuse my actions but there has been so much going on in my family lately and on the morning of the accident, I got a call from my older sister who lives 8 hours away from me and is 27 weeks pregnant and she said she was going to commit suicide and it tipped me over the edge. I'm currently doing disability support work and learning support work and I wanted to be a nurse. I love helping others but now I feel like I'm never going to achieve my goals. I've been calling crisis lines every day since the accident because I'm suicidal and I'm trying so hard to make it through the next couple of days until my grandfather's funeral ... but after that I don't know how safe I'm going to be and I don't trust myself. I want to admit myself into a ward but at the same time I'm scared of doing that because that means I'll lose my job (because of taking time off) and I just feel so lost. 

[traveller]

Hi @margsxxx I have sent you an email to support you as it sounds like life is tough right now. 

I’m really sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment. 

Do you have someone you can speak to right now? Are you worried about your immediate safety?

Forums aren’t a counselling or crisis service and I am forwarding the following services for immediate support:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

You don’t deserve to go through this alone. For lots of people who experience thoughts of suicide, they can find it helpful to put together a safety plan. We really encourage you to give it a go here. You might also like to have a read of this resource on coping with thoughts of suicide. 

You’ve shown great courage in reaching out for help & I hope you continue to do so. You’re more than welcome to continue to post in the forums. However if you’re concerned about your safety, it’s important to contact one of the numbers above or call 000 in an emergency.

Please take care of yourself and let us know if you’re safe for now,

Regards Traveller (moderator)

[outlander]

hi @margsxxx and welcome

it sounds really tough for you and perhaps you have PTSD from the accident.

Have you considered getting some supports for yourself like a psychologist and/or psychiatrist? you can do this by having a chat with your gp who can write a mental health care plan so you can be medicare rebated.

[Tortoiseshell]

Hey @margsxxx, welcome to the forums it's incredibly brave to reach out and tell us what you're going through. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through recently, that is a lot for one person to be managing. It sounds like you have a real vision of where you want to be, and it feels painful when you think you're not measuring up. 

I can hear you are feeling so distressed and suicidal, and actively reaching out to manage this, but feeling stuck around the option of hospital and work. Although we can't resolve this for you, this is a supportive peer community if you find it helpful to connect with others who might recognise your struggles 🌻  

Take care and keep reaching out to get through this tough period ❤️️ I wonder if this thread might be helpful right now Quotes, poetry and music to help us all