Lived Experience Forum

[Undecided]

This has been causing me a huge amount of anxiety and stress for months. My brother in laws dog has had fleas for a long time and it has lead to a bad flea infestation at my mother in laws place where they are living. We haven't been in the house since Christmas (I found out about the fleas then) and avoided seeing them since then. Am I being over the top? They both think I'm being ridiculous, and even my husband thinks I'm being over the top but does understand my concerns. We have cats ourselves and the thought of bringing fleas home is causing me so much stress because I know how difficult it is getting rid of them. By brother in law has said he's been feeling fleas jump on him in bed (where his dog also sleeps) for so long. He has tried a few things like flea powder and bathing his dog a couple times but I know he's not vacuuming, washing bedding often etc. He also hasn't given his dog a flea treatment for months, my mother in law has never given one to her cats, and she refuses to use flea bombs in her house. This has caused so much tension. I have tried talking at length to my brother in law about it, and he does end the conversations by saying he'll buy the treatments etc that day, but when I speak to him days later, he still hasn't. His birthday is coming up and he wanted us to meet up with him and then bring his dog home for him as he wants to go out drinking afterwards, and I said we would if he got the fleas under control by then, but despite trying to remind him and talk to him about it for weeks, he still hasn't. I told him that I'm really sorry but we can't if he didn't get rid of the fleas. He has said things a few times now making me feel guilty, like 'I'm going to have to take him all the way home and go back out again' or 'I might not be able to bring him. It'll be disappointing not having him there with me'. He also has no problem bringing his dog everywhere including to his friends houses and interacting with their pets. This honestly makes me angry and upset. Now he's said we'll just catch up next week and I'm stressing about bringing fleas home then. We can't keep avoiding them forever but I don't know what to do. After we were there at Christmas I was so itchy, and when we saw him just though the window the other week, my husband got itchy (but says it was just a coincidence). Am I being ridiculous? I don't know what to do. It literally keeps me up at night. 

[Alisse]

Hi @Undecided 

Thanks for sharing about your struggles with the flea issue, your brother-in-law, and his dog. 

I feel for the poor dog suffering the effects of these parasites, and I don't think you are being ridiculous in your response to the situation, They are known to carry disease and can trigger allergic reactions. 

I think you have been patiently understanding and clear in your boundaries regarding the issue; however, so far there has been no solution, and the stress and anxiety this is causing is understandable.

Possibly encourage your brother-in-law to visit a vet to discuss treatment, as this must be distressing for the dog and can impact their health and behavior, and as a dog owner, we don't like to see them suffer unnecessarily.  Maybe if a professional made him aware of the health impacts on his dog, he would be inclined to take the matter more seriously.

I don't think it is ridiculous to care about the welfare of an animal, the infestation of these parasites can cause serious harm and not wanting to risk infecting your animals is responsible.

Unfortunately, feelings of guilt often result from doing what you feel is right for you and not necessarily pleasing others.

I am sorry to hear you are in this situation and hope that with a focus on the welfare of the animal, something will change.

Kindly Lisa

[Undecided]

Thank you so much for your reply. I wish that would work, but I know that he wouldn't bring his dog to a vet unless it was absolutely urgent. He has been unemployed for well over a year and doesn't have any money. I have even offered to lend him money to buy treatments but he assures me he'll buy them (this is even after the fact that he owes us thousands). I try to be understanding that he has his own mental health issues but it's difficult when it affects me and our pets. He has tried a few things for the fleas but not consistently so it's not going to work. I feel guilty but I feel as though I have to remind him to wash his bedding, vacuum every day etc. He even laughed once and said 'i don't have time for that'. I know he gets annoyed with me and probably thinks I'm being condescending. It's so frustrating though when I know it's because he can't be bothered and would rather lay in bed on his phone or go out drinking. I know that probably comes across like I'm being mean, but I know that's what he's been doing a lot since he's been living with his mother. She is just as much, if not more uncaring. I try to bring up the fact that it's not fair on his dog and that he could be suffering and it would be so irritating for him, but he'll just brush it off and say the dog seems happy and not scratching as much anymore. I talk to my husband about it and try to tell him to try to convince his brother to do something about it, but he also thinks I'm being extreme in this circumstance. If we do meet up with him soon, I may have to tell him not to bring his dog which he'll be upset about (and my husband probably will be too). They will call me crazy for sure, but I'll try to spray deterrents on my husband and I, wash all our clothes, clean our shoes and vacuum the car as soon as we get home. Even my own mother thinks I'm stressing too much about it. I know it's an unhealthy amount of anxiety and stress. I feel like it's killing me 😔

[defaultusername]

Hi @Undecided,

I'm very sorry to hear about the situation with your brother-in-law and his dog, as @Alisse said I think you've been very patient and understanding, and have done well by having healthy boundaries and keeping your composure. 

It certainly isn't healthy for the poor dog, nor would it be for your brother-in-law. Perhaps that could be a way to get through to him with the urgency of the situation, by highlighting how bad it is for both of their health and wellbeing?

I have a family member that barely knows how to look after themselves, let alone their own dog. So I do what I can (vet appointments and a monthly chewable tick and flea treatment) because I know it won't get done otherwise, so I can completely relate. It's very frustrating at times, but at least someone is looking out for the dog.

And don't worry, I don't believe you're coming across as mean. You're coming from a place of love and concern, not a place of judgement. He's lucky to have you in his corner, and hopefully one day he will realise this...

I'm sorry this situation is causing you so much anxiety and stress, I hope things improve soon.

Please keep in touch with us and remember that we're all here for you whenever you need to talk.

Wishing you all the best,

defaultusername

[Undecided]

Thank you for your reply and support. I have tried to talk to him about the health and well-being side of things, sent him article links etc, but nothing seems to work. I'm guessing either because he doesn't feel like the effort outweighs the risk or that I'm being over the top and a stress head. I don't know what else to do. He's even said to me 'you don't think you ever bring a flea into your house from outside?'. That honestly made me feel like crap. 

I'm glad you're looking out for your family member's dog. There is no way I could make the appointments for him or buy the treatments because I'm sure him and my husband would call me controlling and I don't really think it's my place to make appointments anyway. I've talked to my husband about the fact that his brother is an irresponsible pet owner and can barely look after himself, but my husband will often disagree and say he's not that bad. 

I could just not go there or see his brother until the issue is resolved, if ever, but I'll be made out as the bad guy for sure. Then there's the issue that if my husband does, he'll bring fleas home. My mother in law even denied having fleas in her home because she doesn't have any bites. She has major unaddressed mental issues and I know there's not much I can do to control what she does in her home. They both seem to think nothing is a big deal (unless it is to them of course) and think that I'm paranoid and extreme in my views. I do feel like I'm losing sense of reality these days because of my anxiety. Everyone seems to be telling me I'm being extreme 😞 

Thank you for your support. I just don't know what to do in this scenario. 

[defaultusername]

Not a problem at all @Undecided, that's what we're here for.

Hmm, it does sound like a very tricky situation for you and that you must feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. It must be very frustrating to have your worries and concerns being invalidated and being made to feel like you're overreacting... 

Perhaps you could speak with someone from the RSPCA to explain and hopefully they can offer you some advice?

I guess all that you can do and all that you do have control over right now is how you are, and that maybe you do need to focus on your own health and wellbeing first and foremost. As upsetting as it is to witness the neglect of the poor dog.

I really do hope that you can find some peace in knowing that you have tried/are trying. Hopefully, others will soon realise that there is actually cause for concern in regard to your brother-in-law's current living conditions and the welfare of the dog. 

I'm sorry I can't offer you more support and advice about what steps to take moving forward, as it is a difficult situation.

Please keep us posted...

Remember to be kind to yourself and know that you're not alone,

defaultusername

[Undecided]

Thank you. It really does. It's incredibly frustrating. 

I'm a bit scared to contact the rspca in case they want to investigate. They will know it was me who said something. 

I'll try not to worry about it too much. Although I'm more stuck on when and how to go about interacting with them when I'm expected/need to. 

Thank you again. I will. 

[tyme]

That really is so tough @Undecided . I've been in a house where there were fleas and all night, I would be bitten so that there were stains all over my night clothes. It was so unpleasant for me, let alone the animals the fleas are living on.

Good on your for setting boundaries to protect yourself and your animals. It doesn't sound like this is being over the top. 

[Undecided]

It really is. That would have been awful. Did you eventually get rid of the fleas in the house? I feel so sorry for the animals, and I don't want to risk our pets getting them too. Especially such a bad case. 

Thank you. Everyone is making me feel as though I'm being far too extreme. I just don't know what to do. 

[tyme]

It wasn't my house! It was someone else's and I was staying with them for a few weeks! It was the worst experience ever! 

No, you are NOT exaggerating at all!

I think this family needed to pay extensive $$$ to get the house treated from top to bottom to get all the fleas out. @Undecided 

I'd encourage you to continue setting those boundaries. Once they are in your home, it's very costly to irradicate and needs many follow-up treatments.