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Something’s not right

Casual Contributor

Lost

Hi all

 

Don't know who will read this but hopefully someone will have some ideas. So a little (LOOOONG) back story. I have two little kids 9 and 6. Never had a close relationship with my family, it is an extremely strained, one sided, manipulative relationship. We also don't have a very positive one with  my husbands family due to them screwing my husband over several times and being quiet bias to his brothers. My husband was been diagnosed with schizophrenia a few months back and slowly but surely every other part of my life seems to be falling apart and I can't cope any longer. I'm lost for ideas on what to do and generally speaking, i don't want to cope or do it anymore.

 

The first time he was hospitalised was at the start of the year. He was extremely paranoid and not sleeping. He acted funny in the morning before work and then just walked out of work without telling anyone. I found this out in the arvo and couldn't get through to him so I called the cops as he said that's where he was going. i am glad I did that as that was the start of his MI journey. I ended up taking him into hospital and they gave him some pills and sent him home. This lasted about a week and then he declined. I ended up taking him back in and they admitted him. He was there for three days then discharged himself while I was at work. 

Over the next few months he took his meds that he was prescribed but never ended up going back to any appointments. I think he went to one as I was able to go and picked up a second script. When his meds ran out he stopped taking them. I lied to myself saying he was fine but looking back everything was anything but fine. 

After a week or two off meds his MH declined and I was at my wits end. I ended up calling his mum and making her take him in. He was in for a week before just walking out. He seemed to get a little better but then decline. Funnily enough, I was on the phone to his docs saying I went and saw him and his MH had declined again and he still didn't seem right and that I recon he was going to walk out. I said I can't have him like this at home and I won't be able to cope. As I was on the phone I later found out he had walked out. Due to this the MH team with cops rocked up to my house the same time I got home with my kids. They took him back in and after an hr decided to hold him under the act. 

 

While in he refused to talk to the doctor always claiming to be held against his will, refusing to listen to why he was there or talk about what he was going through. Full denial. This lasted 4 weeks. It was an emotional roller coaster and I was struggling to cope. I got into a good routine but was tired from visiting daily. I went and got some help from a place recommended by the hospital and started threapy. I literally went each week and cried about anything and everything. 

 

My kids struggled and their behaviour declined. His mum was in the opinion that he is fine and hospital was what was making him like this. She wanted him out and make me feel as if it was my fault, he had been a long term drug user but had been clean for over a year when this all happened. She blamed that, his drinking, violent TV shows and not going to church. I couldn't handle the guilt she made me feel. I ended up saying if you want him out and can get him out then I don't want him home and he can live with her. Anyway I could speak to her much after that. 

After 4 weeks of not talking, the docs decided to trial him at home. He had calmed down and the meds seemed to be working. They said if he misses an appointment then they will call the MH team to bring him back in. They put him on a depo and it was every 4 weeks. He came home and he seemed to be doing a lot better. He started back at work after a week and like started to go back to normal. this was exciting as he didn't get paid at all during his hospital stay as he had no sick or holiday pay left. We were dirt broke and had nothing to our name. I maxed the credit card to survive. we already had one maxed out due to me studying at uni a couple of years back and a personal loan. We were financially stuffed but so glad he was back at work to start paying it all off. Anyway a week after Hubby starting back at work idiotic me decided to really stuff thing up. 

 

I had a car accident. No insurance nothing. Worse thing was I hit a BMW which then hit another car. my world fell apart. I though we were struggling before. Now we are completely up s$&@ creek. hubbies MH declines regularly but he kept getting his depo. he is still in denial And won't get any extra help. They are changing his meds soon to see if it will help but I'm sure it will just bring an 'eventful' roller coaster to our lives. just what I need. 

So this is my life now. I work full time and cart the kids around. I deal with every aspect of their lives so hubby doesn't have to. I like working as I can forget life. I don't have to think about how crap everything is going. But outside of work and weekends I have no hope. Nothing I just wait for the day something else will go worng. We have no money and struggling day to day. I use to have hopes and dreams to get a house and travel around Aus but now we are financially stuffed. i don't know how long my hubby will keep his job for as they seem to be isolating him and not want him there anymore. i use to catch a break by having a coffee by myself but now feel guilty anytime I go. I hate that my kids birthdays and Christmas is coming up.  I hate my life and the way it's turning out. My husband is still the kind and caring man I married but he is no longer social, he has changed. I not only have to care for my kids but him also now. I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells any little stress he is exposed to he declines. I cant get angry I can't get upset. I once told him I'm really struggling and he freaked out. I am Waiting for him to have another episode. What am I going to do? How am I going to keep myself sane? This is how my life is going to be till the end. This has been going on for 6 months how am I going to last the next 30-40years. There is no cure for him so I will forever have to care for him and walk on egg shells.  i Have no energy and don't want to get out of bed on the weekends. I don't want to work but know I have to or else no one else will pay my debts. i want hubby to drop a day to try and relieve stress but his worried about our finances also and knows it's more stressful without the money. my therapist  referred me to another more intense program as she hoped that they would be able to help me More mentally. I have had two visits with the new therapis and the first was really good but the second was bad. I walked out and completely fell apart. I struggled to get there on time due to work and thus time was really short.  now I feel like I can't manage all these appointments, work is more important and thus Its really hard to make the appointments or have enough time as they all shut at 430. I'm a teacher and finish at 3 and struggle to get out by 330 with the kids.  I feel a little better getting everything of my chest but don't know if they can help me. With my regular therapist I've had been times I've left feeling more hopeless then walking in as they made me remember how shitty my life really is. I've cancelled them all now Because I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want someone to tel me how to cope mentally with this shitty life I want someone to help me fix my life. I want someone to care about me. Give me a hug and say it's going to be ok. Message me to check in on me  care about me. Someone to tel me what to do to fix life not just listen or give me coping strattagies. I don't just want to cope with life. I don't want to make choices anymore. I don't want to care for everyone else anymore. I'm just really lost and over it. 

10 REPLIES 10
Senior Contributor

Re: Lost

@NTCAB  Hey NTCAB and welcome to the forum. I think I can appreciate a bit of where you situated atm. I am both a suffer of a mi and a carer of my son who has a mi and mulitple problems. When I was very sick my ex didnt understand and ended up having a affair with another woman (who he is still with). We had big financial problems and my son2 was very ill with schizophrenia. Plus my other children were suffering. 

 

Don't give up on your husband. It can take many months for mi symptoms to settle and he needs you. Speaking as someone who has a mi. I needed my partner and he deserted me and regrets it now. Btw I dont I am better off without him Smiley Happy. As for financial problems the samaritans or salvos do financial consultations and really helped me when we were in massive debt with organizing our finances. Now I am debt free Smiley Happy.

 

It might seem that the darkness is closing in but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime we are a friendly bunch here at sane forum. Have a look around the threads and when you are ready you might like to join in on the conversations .

 

Just remember to add a @infront of the name of the person you want to talk to. It will notify the person that there is a post for them.

 

Take care and dont give up hope. Love peaxSmiley Happy

Casual Contributor

Re: Lost

Hi @greenpea thanks for listening to my rant. I think it's hard reading how most continue to struggle/deal with the same issues even years after diagnosis. I'm starting to realise That their will be times of calm and times of unrest. Hopefully I find peace soon. 

Re: Lost

Hi @NTCAB and welcome

Unfortunatly I can not offer any advice at the moment but I can relate to some of your emotions and wanted to let you know you are not alone. Trust you can find the support you need here, you will find everyone here most understanding. 

Highlighted
Casual Contributor

Re: Lost

So I'm deciding to use this place as a place to vent and get all my pent up frustrations out πŸ˜”

 

So today I found out from hubby that his work place got a HR person out to deal with grievances against him. Shit that happened months ago when he was going through a psychosis episode. Shit that happened so long ago and was all reactions to being provoked by others saying shit to him. I feel like they are picking on him just because he had 4 weeks off and don't know the whole truth. I feel like they are so close minded when it comes to mental illnesses. What am I going to do if he looses his job 😭😭😭.

 

I don't know if I even want to stick around anymore. He hasn't changed who he is. He's still loving, caring and so helpful and generous, but in another way everything has changed. I don't want to live on edge anymore. I don't want to have to care for him or have to watch out for his every action. I'm so Stressed that the cops or his work will call and say he's done something. I hate myself and what my life has become. I just want a break 😭😭😭

Casual Contributor

Re: Lost

What an emotional roller coaster  the last two days have been. Yesterday I hit rock bottom and have been clinging onto nothing. I don't know what tipped me over the edge but I've completely fallen over. Usually I'm great during the week as I'm busy teaching but this week my crappy life if starting to creep in. I can put on a great smile while teaching but recess and lunch is becoming harder to keep my shit together. It's harder to hide it from everyone. 

 

I had a psych appointment today but cancelled it last week. Realised I was not coping and went to rebook it and it was taken. My carers support therapist then called yesterday (as my psych had called her) and I lost it. The psych called today and I barely held it together. They are in communication and are tag team checking up on me which makes me feel a little better buuuutttttt. It's like when ever I speak to either of them lately wounds are opened up and everything starts to come out. each time I chat to them I allow my emotions to show. My true feelings. All my stress I take and hold onto ao I don't put on hubby. I let all my deepest darkest fears out. I feel like they can make me feel better and plug it up for next time but lately a gaping hole is still there and after I leave negative emotions are still running out. Yesterday a hole the size of the Grand Canyon was left. The shit my life is over feeling is still dribbling out and I can't shut it off. 

 

Only thing keeping me going was my sons birthday today. But due to me being a shit mum I lost my shit at him. I lost my shit at hubby for nothing also. the night was somewhat ruined. I'm stuffing up left right and centre and can't get back on track. I don't want to get back on track. 

 

I wish therapists and psychs would check in at night and weekends. dreamin I know πŸ˜‚.   I know there are phone supports around but I hate how you have to repeat your story. It gets tiresome doing it over and over again. By the time you've told it you don't get time to deal with the pressing current issue.

 

O well that's my vent for tonight feeling heaps better πŸ™‚. I'm scared about this weekend but think to myself I'll just sleep through it and try to hold out to my psych appointment next Thursday. I'll try and not leave him with a gaping hole but a huge bath plug to shut those feelings off for the week. 

 

Re: Lost

Hey @NTCAB ,
Definitely feeling for you, Wish I could tell you what to do to fix everything and make it better just as much as I wish someone could do the same for me.

Your hubbys denial of his condition is obviously a big piece of the puzzle and I can't give much advice on how to help bring him round other then keep talking honestly to him, you are a person he trusts. As cliche as it is time does play a big factor in things too, I'm not sure of your timeline but things can take months to calm down enough to even start to address.

Things are often shit and you are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to be angry at the unfairness of it all. You are allowed to be sad and grieve the life or relationship you thought you were going to have. It's all part of processing a hard situation, it wont last for ever and you shouldn't add guilt for feeling bad ontop of it

I've been in a similar position where I felt I couldn't talk to my wife about any issues for fear of triggering bad responses. It's of course case by case and everyones situation is different but from my experiences I've learned to push through the discomfort and try to have the conversations still. You might have to explore different ways of communicating though depending on where your partners head is at. For example, We have a whiteboard setup on the back of the bedroom door where we write to each other.

I don't think there is any decent parent alive who doesn't feel guilty or think they are messing up being a parent, shows that you still care. 

All the best,
SleepyDad

Casual Contributor

Re: Lost

Hey @SleepyDad 

Thanks for the reply. It's nice to know others are going through similar situations and this can get better. 

We've been dealing with different issues to do with his family, drugs, work and now this for the entire time we've been together (16 years). I feel like I've been helping him through a range of issues all his life and I've always had to be the responsible one. I have never minded but now I think the hardest thing is knowing his MI is going to impact on so many more areas of our life. I won't ever walk out but all I crave is to not to have to care for him and someone to look after me. 😌 He has never been a very caring type of person and I'm fine and use to that but as I'm struggling so much all I want is For someone to look after me. 

We are lucky to find this 'second family' that understands our situations and to help give us strattagies or at least an ear to venting listen to. 

Thanks again and I hope your wife is doing well. You have eased my mind and I fall asleep with a some what smile πŸ™‚   We can do this. 

Re: Lost

Howdy @NTCAB ,
That is probably relatable I think to everyone on the carers forum. 

When I first met my wife I spent the first year or two helping her through an eating disorder, then it was anxiety during university and then over a couple years we married, had kids and bought a house, some of these events being lovely things but still very stressful. I was just starting to think "Ok, I've done the work, put in the effort now I can start to work on me again"...Then we had our first big episode where the world seemed to self destruct, we rebuilt our life together but with a dignosis that means life will never be what I had hoped for. Resentment builds up, you feel like you are not allowed to have your own problems because theres no-one to help you through them. You need even more from your partner because of the weight on your shoulders but you don't want to make an issue out of it in case they respond badly.
Everyone deals with it differently. I wore my sacrifices like a badge of honour and told myself every time it hurt that I was taking one for the team but I was slowly falling apart. It is not a long term strategy to just quietly put up with things and help is out there.

I would say things are always going to be hard at the start, decisions only you can make and a partner who may be unable/unwilling to help themselves. Its a time to prioritise and try and not stretch yourself too thin. 

We can only do what we can, we are human and have our own flaws and we can and should ask for help. Different things you delegate to different areas, friends, family, support services AND your partner. It's hard but you learn what people are willing and able to help with only by asking. I found it's easiest to start with material/practical things (asking the kids to do more of their own chores, asking a friend watch the kids for an hour) and build up to emotional things as the situation allows (venting to friends, asking partner to show more affection). You are probably doing a bit of this anyway. I think I wrote before about feeling guilt for having negative feelings. You shouldn't feel guilt for asking for help either. 

I wont lie, things are quite strained at the moment due to my partners relapse but thats a bit more due to her specific illness and how it presents itself rather then the ongoing life as a carer.

Regards,

SleepyDad

Casual Contributor

Re: Lost

Today is not a good day. I'm ready to give up. How does one do it because I can't anymore. It's all to much. 

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