Lived Experience Forum

[Powderfinger]

Unfortunately or maybe even fortunately I cannot go back and trace family mental health history. I think I know enough anyway. On my mother's side, my mother's mother I believe had mental health issues. I'm not sure what exactly but mental health issues. My mother's sister has Bi Polar. My mother I'm sure would be diagnosed with something if she would have sought help. We do not have contact. I have no contact with any family of origin. 

I was diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, chronic depression and anxiety in 2013. I think it was a late diagnosis. 

From my history, I started to notice something going on with me at about 13 or 14. That was then, nothing I can do about it now. Sometimes, I wonder, was I pre disposioned to this or did I develop mental health issues because I truly have endured a heck of a lot of trauma since I was a child eight up until 40 years of age. 

I feel my depression started in between the ages of 12 and 15 years old. I'd come home from school, drop my bag, go to my room and sleep for hours into the night. Parents didn't take me to see anyone. I did go to one counsellor that I remember my parents taking me too. I think I had one session and never went back. 

I'm just looking for answers I guess. I cut contact with my mom last year. I miss her every day. I just have to keep reminding myself she us abusive and I can't risk my heart, physical health or mental health because I miss her. I'm also starting therapy on Monday to try deal with all the abuse from her and the emotional/psychological pain I'm in. I finally get that I am not the person to save my mother, she needs to save herself. 

[Fluttershy1]

@Powderfinger - hey hey, 

sorry to hear about what has happened in the past. I'm here if you every need a chat. I understand you I've gone though a lot and I'm still here fighting, it can be hard but I understand you. I here if you ever need someone, just tag me. 
take care ❤️❤️

[Powderfinger]

@Fluttershy1 

Hi. 

Thank you. I'm not very good at talking with people. Most of the time I don't know what to say. I guess this was on my mind when I wrote it. I start therapy on Monday. I hope it helps. 

[destructive]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Good luck for Monday. It's a very brave step but one in right direction. You're spot on with your comment that you can't save your mum. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It can be hard when we're left with the effects of their challenges and unfortunately as adults we have to then work on ourselves as no one can do that for us either. Hope you can use writing to find your voice.

[Powderfinger]

@destructive 

Therapy is a scary step but I need it very much. I need the support and care. 

It took me till 40 years of age to realise I can't save nor help her anymore. For 34 years, (since I was 6) that responsibility was mine. It was at a point last year where I finally snapped and this immense anger and pain took hold and I was done. 

So, it has been 8 months of no contact and I'm still working through the difficult feelings and lies that I abandoned her. I know it's a lie that has no truth. Yay for psychological abuse. 

The toxic, destructive, abusive and dysfunctionof the last 40 years did an incredible amount if damage. She was the emotionally absent, on and off again mother, abusive, neglectful, abandoned me, betrayed me psychologically and emotionally, set me up against other people who would in turn view me as the monster who was getting in the way of her happiness, emotionally immature and more. I'm done. The damage and scars feel so insurmountable. So, the greatest thing I can and could do was say I'm done, cut all contact and live my own life. 

Sounds easy, not by a longshot at all. I'm left with so many issues and I can see how it has affected my entire life. In effect, I raised a toxic, abusive and manipulative adult child. Her journey now is not mine to be concerned with. 

[Fluttershy1]

@Powderfinger - the therapy is worth it, I can assure you... I'm trying to get into animal therapy due to my MH being really bad...