Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Today, I went to see my Carers Vic psych (10 mins late)  People tell me I dont ask for help .. but I do .. its just that somehow I am unworthy of real ongoing relationships, connections and there is too little help too late. 

All I really wanted was to have some one to relax with to talk about a book or watch a movie etc.  It has been very hard to get even that. I am very jittery and jumpy .. I feel like I have been constantly battered .. maybe I need more medication, maybe I am unsafe too. I am confident teaching but my sense of being a viable person is seriously compromised.

Why Cant I get help.  well dressed nice ladies tell me there is enough help and I try to acces it reasonable and fairly and not take advantage etc .. if I dressed up more and schmoozled people more

[hopeandsupport]

Hi Appleblossom

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time.  I can relate to your driving dilema, although it has been solved now, good on you, sort of.  For many years I just wanted to get caught speeding too in the hope I would lose my licence so I wouldn't have to do so much driving!  It never happened, but when I was caring for my mother I had a pretty bad accident and long distances became a real problem, I just couldn't get my head around driving too far.  Yes I think you need some freedom again, sounds like your son is doing well, that's good, but yes they need boundaries, so they can grow up and you can have your freedom!  Easier said than done I know.  I am doing more and more for myself, not worrying so much about my daughter, although she still has a way to go.  But I know she is also watching what I do so I have to be true to myself and not live in fear that she is going to relapse again.  I hope it all works out ok, take care.

[suzanne]

Hi @Appleblossom, I just popped into the Forum briefly to follow up on something from last night.  I can't stay long but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry to hear that you've had this happen.  But dare I say that it sounds like one of those situations that shifts dynamics and responsibilities and can work out well in the long run?  It's a bit like when we get physically hurt or ill and have to step back from our responsibilities.  Sometimes that space from the normal whirlwind gives us time to refect and the motivation to fix any imbalances in how we're living.  Like giving more to others than we give to ourselves.  

Even right at the start you can see some good things that could happen which is fantastically resilient.  It won't be easy but it might do both you and your son good for him to step-up and you to step-back.  I hope so anyway. 

[Troubled_One]

I like what @suzanne wrote that sometimes you need to step back and see the responsibilities we need to really take on not just thinking every little thing and processing it.
.. But that is hard to change your thinking and just take on that new thing of understanding.
I am struggling with this atm and i think would be hard for kids as well. This thread though has brought out some emotion in me in the last few days which i think has helped me get through my iwn dramas.

[Appleblossom]

Thank you all for your kind posts.  I am now trying to get all things necessary with car done

It is an issue as I searched for this site desperate for something .. partly cos of my anxiety after the accident in March and the way I was treated at home .. that signified I was pushing my emotional boundary too much.

[Appleblossom]

Life and love is so sensitive about how they watch us and take their cues from us but we are only flawed humans and somehow that has to be enough.

Thanks @hopeandsupport

[Appleblossom]

My ex husband just showed up at front door .. son was playing piano at back of house and ready for work .. he had forgotten arrangement made earlier in the week cos work was jigging this way and that re shifts.

Son asked me to let ex in house .. but I said "no" I'd rather not cos I was in middle of paperwork and music.

I feel proud of myself for sticking to boundary .. its not a forever thing .. I have let him and his finacee at daughter and family in plenty of times .. but its time for a change.

Ex doesnt care ..

As son left I asked him to turn off lights in his bedroom .. which he did without arguing ... which is PROGRESS indeed.  never happened before . . For 30 years I have just been the family slave. 

For a decade I kind of knew I as at my wits end with all the chauffeuring cleaning organising, educating being psychologist etc.

What are we doing to motherhood in the new millenia? 

 The pressure is not healthy .. and I am talking from the point of view of a teacher who has to resassure other parents too.

Oh for the old days when a lady could just be driven around by a "loving" mate .. I might even put a dress on.

[hopeandsupport]

Glad to hear you are setting boundaries and making progress, although sounds as though you still have too much on your plate.  I had a knot in my stomach and my eyes felt as if they were going to sink into my head through the stress for about 3 years but the past few months have been much better.  However I still hate to think what all that stress has done to my insides.  I am sorry to hear your are struggling with the driving too, I hope your situation improves for you soon.

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for reading and replying @hopeandsupport

Its each day at a time.. choir practise tonight

I am amazed at how much stress I have endured.

Yesterday I went across town to do 2 things.  One was a morning coffee with "support after suicide"  They were lovely women .. all volunteers with "lived experience"  It took almost an hour and half to get there the traffic was so bad .. but I am glad I made contact with the group.  They have only been going 10 years .. but doing good work .. so many things are "a mixed bag" .. cars, driving, the church ...

[Appleblossom]

Today I bought a shopping jeep for $20

I was not allowed to talk to son in early years as oldest girl (not my biological child, but all the work done since she was 6 weeks). She had far too much control of the house.  I was not allowed to even verbalise anything about getting him ready for school in prep, as she would yell and sneer.  So I was forced into a mute mode and quietly dressed him and did shoes etc.before driving them to school.  it was too far for them to walk.

The good thing is that my back and neck pain is well managed at the moment and walking will be good for that. The arthritis scares me and I have to keep gently and continually moving.

My son would sometimes be an elective mute and I would go through trying to read beyond the verbal.  maybe that is why finding singing is so good for both of us.

I paid car rego .. and the guy on the phone was nice realised I was due pension rate and told me he never even owned a car .. it takes all sorts.. so the car will be there in the driveway an incentive for son to get his paperwork sorted and lessons. Not my responsibility really. I was terrified at one stage I would lose custody of my son if I did not drive him.

I have to respect my effort and give myself a break. It is important for kids to put in effort too.