Trauma from Divorce

[QVP]

I used to be a good man. A responsible father with 2 sons and a loving husband to the love of my life, a Christian that loves God and actively served in my church. Divorce has utterly destroyed my spirit, my self confidence, my will fight on, my I feel abandoned by God.

I have walked down the path of self destruction since separation in 2020, I lost my job, live alone, lost control of myself in chronic anger that I still carry, and lost confidence in my ability to pick myself up. My finances are in ruins after the divorce settlement, I have not worked for three years as I can’t see myself working for fear that I will not be able to handle the stress that would lead me to further cave in on myself. Everyday I wake up feeling anxious over money, though the truth is more like begging my sister for handouts.

One son hates me and I have not seen since separation, the other visits me though he is now a teenager, and at the age where he starts to discern a lot more and I can see the disillusionment in his eyes that dad is just a deadbeat, a shadow of the man that used to be strong for the family, and not the hero he once loved and adored. It feels like he sees me as the lonely old man withering away, alone and pathetic figure just fading away. He does not know the extent of my financial stress, but I know I have made promises of gifts, birthday presents that I can’t keep and it tears me up inside while I put on a confident facade in front of him.

My health is bad, I suffer from back pains, eczema outbreaks in my hands that make it difficult to work with them or it swells to a point that is unsightly and difficult for me to feed myself. When my son visits, I’ll have enough to cook meals for both of us, though standing for too long is a challenge for me, with the additional risk that my chronic hemorrhoids would rupture occasionally, stream down my leg that I will be unaware of until it is too late. My son has seen it once and it frightened him.

Carrying that sense of betrayal from my ex has made my social life a shambles too it had made me a person with a temper that is easily triggered, even in social settings, and harbour thoughts of “getting even” over things that seemed to trivial years before. My mind races to the worst conclusion at times even before I hear people out, an it just makes me want to explode at them, and the time I do, I regret and it just makes me become even more disheartened and withdrawn.

My anger is triggered by any sense that I am being lied to or betrayed, and it doesn’t take much to trigger it. I used to be able to listen to a person and conversations calmly and patiently. Now, if I am triggered, I jump to the nth conclusion and get very defensive and am quite impossible to calm down until I reach a point where I can catch myself enough to bottle it up and seethe quietly in anger.

I did not use to be in such a state, but all this is making me lose myself and i am now practically a recluse, finding it near impossible to leave the house everyday, I’m scared to meet people on account of offending more and hating myself for it. The only time i am grounded is when i see my son and have a chance to fuss over him, reminding myself of that little self worth I have left to someone.

[MJG017]

Hi @QVP, welcome to the forum.  It sounds like you're really struggling since your divorce and things don't seem to be getting better for you.  You talked about things that trigger you now and you find it hard to control the anger.  Have you talked to any professionals about this?  Clearly, you know it is an issue for you and I've found when things get really difficult mentally, it's so hard to pull ourselves out of it alone.  We do tend to assume the worst and those thoughts continue until we can't see anything any other way.  This is where I found speaking to other people about it, can help to change that negative point of view we've developed over time.  Can you get a mental health care plan from your GP for 10 subsidised psychology visits?  Even calling one of the crisis lines may be helpful for you.  Believe me, I know how expensive a lot of these services are and can be financially out of reach, but there are inexpensive and free options out there that have helped me a lot.

It is clear that's there's such a lot of stress affecting you at the moment, and I think you need to speak to someone to try and get on top of it, find yourself in a better place mentally in order to try and rebuild relationships.

I understand how tough it must be to not be able to afford gifts for your son.  But I think you're making it worse by promising them.  Just explain it to him.  He will still may be disappointed with not getting a gift from you but at least there isn't the disappointment of a broken promise as well on top it of.  He mat not understand fully now, but as he gets older, i'm sure he's far more likely to get why you couldn't afford to give him what you wanted to, rather than understand a lot of broken promises.  I know it must be so, so hard but I'm sure you know as well that making promises you can't keep is only making things worse.  Rather than a gift, maybe plan something he will really enjoy.  Not easy I know without money, but there must be some things you could do with him that wouldn't cost much and he'd enjoy.

Well done for sharing your thoughts, i couldn't have been easy to do.  I hope you can find the support to help you learn to control and trust yourself again.  We're always here to listen and support you however you can.

[Ru-bee]

Hello @QVP 

I can hear how hard things have been for you following your divorce, it sounds as though it has been very hard to find your footing and that challenges have kept coming your way and have compounded on themselves, making it very overwhelming to manage. With this going I'm so glad that you have found this space and have been able to share your story here, it's not an easy thing to do.

What strikes me throughout your post is your self-awareness around your anger and how deeply this is affecting you. I'm wondering whether you have ever reached out for support with this before? 

Perhaps connecting here can be a helpful step in having some positive interactions with others, as we're all here to support you and hope that you can feel that this is a safe space to connect.

[Bon_courage]

@QVP 

As someone who has been through a traumatic divorce (with small kids involved) I read your post and immediately felt my heart racing. Memories of the struggles and the intense pain.

Sounds like it's right there were you are. It's tough mate. I know it's little consolation, but I hear you.

Separation has a way to really tackle our self-worth. So many emotions can come out. In my case it was injustice and a feeling of abandonment. Sounds like for you anger and wanting reparation are coming up often.

I am not sure if this is helpful, but I always reflect on how the pain we feel is proportional to our capacity to love. It speaks volumes about us as a human being. We can love deeply, fully; unfortunately, that can make us vulnerable to hurt and disappointment.

I hear your teenage son is still visiting. And your love comes across strong. Wanting to be the best dad feels right. Perhaps in this instance it can be important to remember that as far as children are concerned it is the long journey that counts. Adversity, challenges are a part of life like joy and comfort.

Thanks for sharing your story and reaching out here on the Forums. I am so sorry to hear about the financial struggles and health issues you are experiencing. It makes every harder and more challenging.

Others I am sure have said it - you are not alone - recovery (and I know that's a big word) is never linear. I see it as building a strong wall.....brick by brick........every little bit counts.

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