I don't know about you, obviously each experience is unique, but for me depression haunts me. Without rhyme or reason it comes and goes seemingly at will.
Last Wednesday - I think, because we ADHDs tend to play rather fast and loose with time - I was in the depths of despair, fighting the urge to unalive myself, seeing no point no hope in life. Fortunately, I made a vow to myself that I could only checkout if I waited five days. If on the fifth day I still felt the same way then I could start my preparations. Thursday I felt fine, not happy but not depressed. All this even though I went about 72 hours without sleep.
On the Friday, for the first time in a long time, I went out to stump palm trees. Damn, am I out of shape. I used to go all day, reluctantly taking breaks. I'd work until there wasn't enough light left to see and sometimes beyond. By the time I called it a day, you would swear I was drunk as I couldn't walk a straight line. But now I longed for my breaks. I set a timer for 30 minutes, rested (collapsed) for 10 minutes. Originally, it was 15 minute breaks but some of the old spirit must still be there, because I couldn't hack that long laying on that wonderfully cool concreate.
Seven hours later, spud-bar 1 palm tree stump 0. Too heavy to get out of the hole, even after I cut it down as much possible without getting into the dirt - instantly blunt chainsaw if you do. Cut up a large palm tree trunk I'd already stumped before and a palm crown. Then, as a help to the nice lady I'm doing the work for - she has an autistic son - I cut down a large tree that was dead and dangerous.
By the time I loaded 80% of it into the Ute tray the sun was well and truly out for the night. I was exhausted. Trembling as I had been at different times during the day. But I was pleased by the work I'd done and the fact that my mental and physical reliance are still there waiting to be tapped as needed.
I share all this for one reason, to point out how for some of us depression cannot be connected to external events. Nothing is better in my life compared to when I was deeply depressed and now. It has to be internal, some type of chemical imbalance perhaps.
When I go through a minor mania - Bipolar 2s don't have that crazy high that Bipolar 1s tend to experience - or now when I am calm, I search inside myself and I cannot locate my depression or desire to go dance with the angels. This is the first time I'm aware enough to watch to see if there are any signs of their return. For example, today I've had more intrusive thoughts to push away than in the past few days. I think I don't feel quite as solid inside which may indicate a weakening of the foundations.
Whether my depression and its beloved is always there, waiting in the depths beyond my reach, or they only exist for a set period of time, they never fail to return no matter how good I might feel. The longest period without them was about three months. It was amazing! Got so much done. Exercise everyday. [edited by moderator]. Went to Thailand for three weeks and actually took yoga classes everyday - then forgot every single move when I returned...sigh.
The day I was due to fly home, an hour before I was due to board the plane, I had a nervous breakdown. Getting on the plane was touch and go to say the least. My guess was that because the extended holiday I'd had from work was ending and I was returning to a toxic work environment, my mind was doing everything it could to prevent that happening.
This week I started weaning myself off of one of my drugs. [edited by moderator] The drug is possibly doing me more bad than good. On October 8th, I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist to ask him to refer me for ECT. After more research I'm feeling more and more positive about it and looking forward to the experience. I'll share about my experience with it in the forum. If it fails, I guess the next step is going overseas where you can get legally try the type of mushrooms that you rarely ever see on a pizza.
It must be a year or more since I listened to music. Over the last week I've returned to listening to Latin songs - I adore the sound of Spanish, don't understand a word of it but it seems to call to my soul. If reincarnation was a thing I'd want to come back as a kind of Ricky Martin only straight - damn I wish I could dance. He's amazing.
Until my next meandering diatribe, or intense depression,
Reading your post, I can see there have been a lot of emotions and thoughts running past you at the speed of light. Sometimes up, sometimes down, sometimes round and round.
I'm sorry to hear that mental health takes hold sometimes and it makes you feel you want an out.
Then again, I can see that there are things that keep you going.
Beside chopping trees, what are things that energise you or you enjoy doing?
Sounds like quite an ebb and flow of emotions you experience. I am glad you did get a few days of relief in the middle there.
Sounds like a lot of heavy and physically tiring work chopping down palm trees! You must have a decent level of strength and fitness to be able to do it at all! I wouldn't be able to, thats for sure.
Interesting you mention those non-pizza mushrooms. We were having a chat earlier today in the Therapy types thread about Psychadelic-Assisted Therapy. Check it out if you are interested. It is now legal in Australia and there are a number of clinical trials happening, as well as psychiatrists starting to apply for prescribing rights and training in PAT. Might not have to travel overseas for it - esp as the full treatment can take a few spaced out sessions and a number of psychotherapy sessions alongside.
Thanks for taking an interest. Actually, I don't tend to enjoy anything in the traditional sense. Due to childhood abuse I dissociate as a coping mechanism, so I live primarily in my head. Only super intense emotions punch through the shield and when they do I don't know how to handle them, be they negative or positive.
That said, there are activities that I engage in, either to distract myself or because I find some value in them. Metal detecting, watching horror movies - other genres as well but horror movies are best because you don't have to think -in fact I'm watching "Wake Up" tonight. Not good but not that bad, basically watchable. My favorite though would be found footage movies. Also like doing linguistics research, working with ChatGPT4, kayak fishing, and teaching online.
I'm hoping to get back to hiking in the near future and do a course in metal detecting for gold. I also need to get back to technical tree climbing, have a tree tent I bought more than a few years ago and have yet to try it out. Also, planning on learning Spanish, heading either north or south for training in caving. That's for when I get to Malta, if I manage to pull that off.
I can tell you this, I really miss my students. It has been two months since I last set foot in a classroom, being forced to take my Long Service Leave due to a toxic work environment. The new Head of English is so awful - I strongly suspect narcissistic traits or narcissism, he ticks most of the boxes - that there is no way I can see myself going back. I've been teaching there for eleven years. I don't miss the school, but the students are an entirely different matter.
Ah well. It has moved me on, which is good or I'd still be there eleven years from now.
I should also say, I've lived with depression for many many years. Such a dififcult space to be in. And like you said, no matter what you do, you still feel flat - that's how you know it's depression. After many years, I finally got on the meds that helped. After the meds, I was able to engage in psychotherapy and life couldn't be better.
So as much as you may be haunted by depression, I hope you find a way forward so you can do all the awesome stuff you deserve!
When I was at a school, it was a very very toxic environment. I kept telling myself I could do it, but then my body told me I wasn't okay and I couldn't do it. EAP was really helpful. @CavingDreamer
