Christian Chat

[heartathome]

I'm glad you posted it @REDLINEZ750! Unfiltered and real! I first knew of my inner child in 2000. She was in chains when I first felt and 'saw' her. I hated her. I didn't know any feelings except glad, sad and mad. I have a poem about finding her. I'll post it if you want but it's a pretty raw poem. It might be too descriptive for here. No swearing or self-harm but I don't want to trigger anybody. You probably feel quite exposed atm. I'm so proud of you for not going back and deleting it. I feel honoured that you shared that with me. I'm also very happy that you have God walking beside you! I was brought up in a Christian household that was very religious. I can relate to being very aware of the wrath of God and being a bad person! Never good enough for my mother so I showed her she was right. I'm sorry no one listened or saw you when you were a child! I was the same. I had every reason to go off the rails, but no one asked what was going on for me. When I did tell mum what was going on, she said nothing! It was swept under the carpet. There was so much stuff under that carpet! 

[DownMoreThanUp]

@heartathome  Absolutely, i count myself among the worst of the fallen ones. For knowing this helps thankful love rather than hinders Him.😀

Mental illness sure gives our enemy extra ammunition, for compared to those who have no mental illness, mentally ill people must hear lies far more often, far more intensive, and far more personal.

Father of Lies
Oh you lying tongue stealing our God given Good Life
squandering life's abilities through the illness of our flesh.
Lightening those burning torches devouring aching souls
those ugly deeds done while lies ruled our fallen hearts!

All your offspring within us is numbered to die miserably
to hell with you and all those wicked ones ruling our life
it is you Satan who brought us all our woes, grief and pain
We will hate you forever for lying to us as you did and do.

Birthing new life in Jesus is what you hate to see in our life.
The Truth of God's love rule our mind instead of lie's torment.
Knowing the wicked lies you gave birth to in our hearts will go
The liars burn the flame of God's love for all you made us suffer. 

---

[heartathome]

Thanks for sharing that with me @DownMoreThanUp That poem is so true! I've said many times that I'm my own worst enemy but in reality Satan is Did you write it?  Can you tell me a tiny bit of who you are? Male or female? Rough age? It's fine if not! I won't take it personally!  🤗 🙃

[DownMoreThanUp]

@heartathome  No worries.

i'm a male 65 years old. a husband to a loving and very supportive wife, and dad to 5 children, and grand parent to 18 grand children. (Though most live far away, 7 of the 18 grand kidsl live nearby and we have regularly to do with.)

TW: Abuse (SA)

Content/trigger warning

i have officially been diagnosed with Schizo-affective disorder as well as P.T.S.D because of a violent sexual assault at 11, in which i nearly got killed resisting.

 However at a later date, and with a professional psychologist's diagnoses online, i discovered that really i suffer from C.P.T.S.D and D.I.D, all the way back from where psychosis first began to manifest itself in my life.  Although i had no idea that is what it was at around 3-4 years of age.  (i thought, until well into adulthood, it were the devil and his friends coming to get (and later, that they came to befriend me.))
Where i suffered for years, from psychotically driven paranoia fears basically undetected by my loved ones, for i was too paranoid of their harsh disapproval, and my dad's physical ways of punishment, doing so. Also my psychosis seems to be only triggered by severe emotionally events, and when i recovered in those days i could hardly ever recall what occurred, and who i became, during those times, until i became psychotic again.
While my fears were cruelly fuelled by their legalistic replies to me, daring to come out of bed at first at night, telling them i was scared. All i had to do was have faith in Jesus for then the devil cannot hurt you. Yet truth be told - he did - and kept hurting me all the time, till well after midnight many a night. Drenched in sweat and senseless from fear. If only my parents knew what i went though at the tender age not allowed to come out of bed. For, according to them,  all i lacked was faith in Jesus. Yet Jesus never came to help me while i was overcome by psychotic hallucinations that drove my fear to make myself a faithless alter even at a very  young age. As well as a (horrible) legalistic religious alter. A complete you have to do it yourself alter in response to my paranoid self where i could not do anything but loose my sanity.The worst was i hated myself the 'weasel' as i called myself cruelly in my - do it yourself alter. Where ever fear i had in my fearful alter, I had to prove wrong by doing it. And so even at a very tender age, fuelled by a dad who did not love, or had wanted me, but loved ridiculing me for who i was, and a mum told me throughout my childhood how she could have had 10 kids in my place, and had me hate myself within myself.After my sexual assault i sadly also developed also a raging very angry with everyone alter. A alter i also suppressed within myself with my religious alter, and where i only ever manifested myself in myself when psychotic. Making my life almost impossibly difficult to figure out.

i began life as a brick layer, but injured my back and got myself a social science degree and a job working with troubled youth on the streets of Perth. Before i burned out completely and illness took over. Mainly because all the suppressed emotions and trauma of my past came bubbling out uncontrollably seeing it the suffering of others, also so effected in my daily work.

[heartathome]

@DownMoreThanUp I think I remember you telling me some of this before. I'm sorry if I've already asked you. Thanks for sharing about your past! It amazes me how strong our God is! It also amazes me how evil some people can be! I'm an incest survivor. I haven't written that before. It seems strange and not really attached to me. Maybe that's healing or dissociation. I'll take the first one! 😉 No. I'm all good! Just putting it out there for everyone to see is a bit daunting! It's a good thing!! 🙃

[Shaz51]

This one @heartathome 😊

[heartathome]

Thanks @Shaz51 I appreciate the tag

[DownMoreThanUp]

@heartathome  It has been good chatting with you. i'm sorry to hear you also suffered terrible times, so much hurt within humanity. So very sad to see our Heavenly Father hurting us all, yet also very good to know He does, for i know He will bring all that has gone wrong to a good ending. In my books that is something us hurting ones need to hold onto with all we got.

@Shaz51 @REDLINEZ750 @ENKELI @Appleblossom @tyme 

@Moose123if you are interested joining us on the Christian chat thread you are most welcome.

My Armageddon.

In my inner world life died everywhere,
famine taking what sword had left behind.
Brim and hailstones flatten what stood up,
no escape from the carnage I could find.

Awed i saw Jesus the wicked inside me fight,
turning my world of being into a battleground.
I saw billows of smoke rising up ever so high,
rolling thunder throughout my world rebound.

I watched scorpions parading through my soul,
stinging in me what was godless in its lust.
Massive grasshoppers devouring all my good,
fierce horses trample heeding wrong to dust.

I saw much of my inner greenery burn-up,
whole fleets of cargo ships sadly perish.
My daily trade coming to an abrupt hold,
for ungodly rulers wrong in me did cherish.

I saw the Dragon reigning all his subjects,
watched the numbered inside die like flies.
I heard the false prophet's constant lying,
demons smearing God's grace with lies.

It was the blood drinking prostitute,
which flabbergasted me the most.
Unfaithful love killing God's chosen,
with fiery death she was deposed.

I saw my world's kingdom going down,
ruling Babylon in one hour fall away.
Yet with two thirds of my world wiped out,
i watched God's kingdom come to stay.

So seeing God's own safely at home,
i finally let my many tears run dry.
Seeing Jesus ruling from the clouds,
i also joined Heaven's Hallelujah cry.

[Appleblossom]

@DownMoreThanUp Early CSA leaves a mark. Dissociation is a natural response to severe trauma. You sound like salt of the earth Aussie, tradie plus social conscience. My Aussie father tried to encourage those values in me. Showed me as much as he could before he died. Took me to building sites, navy boats and encouraged a broad range of religious, educational and artistic and sports activities. They called him schizophrenic, but he had CPTSD from the war and institutional CSA. so much for some Christian brothers. 

I identify loosely as CPTSD, aspie, maybe schizoaffective disorder or bipolar mixed state. They don’t really have a clue. I have also been studying it at fancy universities since my 20s. Wondered, way back, if I was schizoaffective researching in the bowels of the Baillilieu. I now take it all with a hefty grain of pink Himalayan salt. What is in a name? Words can be great and… a bit inadequate. 

I am glad you have a supportive wife. 

I mostly have to juggle real life and am careful about religious delusions, cos thats what they said my parents had.

I barely came out of my marriage alive, and the class differences of my husband from well to do American background made it difficult for my brother and I. We were sneered at a lot. 

@ENKELI @REDLINEZ750 @Shaz51 @heartathome 

[DownMoreThanUp]

@Appleblossom i fully agree a label cannot ever define us. However understanding symptoms and triggers has really helped me deal with my ever changing moods and is very helpful. As is communicating with others who have been through a mental blender as well. i very much relate with having to be careful with religious delusions such sure bit me in the bum big time.

@heartathome @Shaz51 @REDLINEZ750 @ENKELI 

It is the love of Jesus we want right inside the places the hurt dwells now!

Overcoming The Darkness.
What better time to choose for His light,
than when we are in our darkest night?
Letting the dark ones come so very close,
so God's grace can get rid of all of those.

Merciful removing what hurts without ending.
all that painful wrong to fiery lake be sending.
His good life saving us from all painful control,
The S(s)pirit of truth blessing our heart and soul.

(i love this song!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLTu1xv2-Us&list=RDKLTu1xv2-Us&start_radio=1