Poem

[heartathome]

For everyone: I first started seeing my psychiatrist in 1998. I wrote this poem about him and therapy twenty-five years ago. As you can see, I didn't trust him at the beginning. I know now that he did and doe's care. I hope someone can relate and it's not too negative for here!

@REDLINEZ750 Here's another one. Are you okay? I'm being brave by putting it up!  

Therapist

Do you laugh behind my back?

I doubt that you care less

How do you look upon my life?

Pathetic, I would guess

Did you ever give a thought

until I walk on through?

Or am I just another one

waiting patiently in queue?

You hide behind your doctor's mask

I know that's it's not you

I wonder what you're really like

Is what I see all true?

I want to trust and believe in you

But I can't believe you care

You keep your distance emotionally

and personally, never share

I am depressed and miserable

I feel unstable too

Are you glad when time is up

I wish I really knew

I'm so angry, I've no control

You won't open up to me

You have the power, I'm vulnerable

I hate the pain, you see

I sit with this every week

and I'm still compelled to come

My need for love is crushing me

I'm here for just a crumb

Does my pain amuse you so?

Is that behind your smile?

I want control that you won't give

I need to feel worthwhile

I have failed in my eyes

and it brings up all the past

Not wanted and unlovable

It's the role I have been cast

I love and hate you passionately

You hold some king of spell

Damn you for your ethics, [named removed by moderator]

But thank you too, as well

I'm feeling now, you wanted that

Though I can't say I'm impressed

I have to trust what you want

Is to see me at my best!

[REDLINEZ750]

@heartathome im just saying you have a gift of wordflow and rhyjme thats a pleasure to read. 

its tricky telling you how well written it is and not sound like its ta cpmplimenrt  to be polite when your  skepticism being actigvaqted is why i hold back with exactly how good i consider your writing...

that make sense at all?

you need not fear negative feedback for any can only be from a  person that is jealous or simply unable to geve anyone credit ever.

we both know youn will be understood and related to in the forums not judged or given cause to regret it.

Yes it took strength

i dare say a tad less than was needed to post choices ?

im ok thaqnks just drained it was lonf night 😊

\

hows your day?

so hope you havent posted this and sorry if you have and i forgot or not seen it, and please dont respond at all if im treading where not wellcome . i just wonderIs the support your losing psychiatrist [edited by moderator]?

are you ok after remembering where you were writing that and posting as well?

[rav3n]

@heartathome i love how beautifully that rhymes too!! 

also just wanted to let you both know i've edited out a name from both your posts. this is to uphold our 'staying anonymous' guideline, where we don't share names of real life people (except for celebrities). hope that makes sense! 😊

[heartathome]

Thanks @rav3n. 🙃

[heartathome]

Thanks @REDLINEZ750 It's lovely to hear that you like some of my old poems! Thanks for asking if I was okay! I am! I deal with CPTSD everyday as a consequence of it but I'm alive and mostly happy! It's amazing what 20 odd years of therapy and studying welfare and mental health can do. I respond rather than react these days. I'm able to communicate in a healthier way and since being on here, I'm beginning to see the lies spoken to me by the enemy! Amazing. Learning all the time. Thinking about all those negative thoughts I put on myself but it's hard to get rid of them when you believe the lies. It's pretty engrained but when I do catch myself giving me a hard time, I put a stop to it! You keep telling me how bad you are. What makes you so bad? Maybe we need to stop thinking that about ourselves. I believe both of us aren't who we were back then! You do what you have to, to survive and not to get hurt again, until you know better! How's your day been? 

[REDLINEZ750]

hey @heartathome days been ok, 

non eventful  which is good and almost an event in itself haha

really got caught up in being remded about Jesus  and being Christian it was a moment of well needed i and got flooded with thoughts and understandings i have not gone anywhere near in just over 2 years.

i was living in central coast and i found a congregatiion that was straihjy up scripture even the hymns i put masks on presented as wanted to figure god thing out  lookung in the rough side of things and no judgement i finally found a place to worship and  despite what happened year before and pysd cpysd depending on practitionrt i was in a real good place.

by the next week everything flipped i turned on by my kids i had been bpd discarded by my person and moved back to Sydney into a shed with no runnung water or electricity that was end julty last year and just been a ride and even always my bible in view never even thought about live of God.

if uyou havent noticed i felt like it was a new amazing thing that needed to be shouted from rooftops not something i knew 2017. thing is in that moment i could see the plan that put me in that moment starting a long time ago and thats powerfyl stuff!

ok maybe a little eventful from end of bed where i sit now jajaja

how was yours?

its nice when you scrutinized positive comments for what peoples end goal is till theres nothing left but to accept they genuine;ly like something that is your creation yea?

[heartathome]

Hey, @REDLINEZ750  I'm glad you've come back to God! God does have a plan for us but maybe we're not going to be another Billy Grahame. 😁 I struggle with my spiritual life more than my physical one. I'm sure there's my heel prints as God is dragging me where he wants me. Are there any good churches around you or will you not go to church? I have trouble getting in to read the Word. I don't know why! That would have been a hard time when you moved to Sydney and had no electricity or running water!! I couldn't imagine that. I was in a three-man tent with a 2-year-old. That wasn't easy for me. Do you have a relationship with your kids atm? I've been thinking about what you want to do with my poem. I reckon go ahead with it! My main fear is someone taking it as their own or it being seen as too 'negative' on this site. I imagine people get triggered very easily here. I'm going to a bigger town for shopping soon. A friend is going to pick me up, so I better get ready. Hopefully talk later today. 🙃

[REDLINEZ750]

@heartathome  cool and no never would do that, something about content written 40 years ago meeting technology of today will be a good mic, i will not change a single word and will keep it simple so readings not compromised, do you have a preference between dawn or dusk horizons?

do you have anything you like? just an thought in your head  is ok dont stress on detail

and theres no pressure to like it either its important you have only positives come from what you see.

[heartathome]

@REDLINEZ750 @rav3n Do you think I should have a thread for my poems or just put them up anywhere, remembering that they're very raw. I liked the Christian chat. Do we want to go back to that, to post the poems about God or start a new discussion? That would probably be easier. I have a lot of poems about God. I'd like to post 'Inner Child' next, but I don't know where to put it. It's about finding my inner child. I like a sunset, but my OCD doesn't like lots of different colours or being too 'busy'. Talk later.

[REDLINEZ750]

morning @heartathome

How was your shopping trip?

do you have to travel far to the bigger shops?

I dont think you need to worry too much about being to negative  but in same way i feel hypocritical in saying that for im struggling with similiar thoughts lately, as im not used to talking about myself i get lost in posts and overshare which i then am vulnerable and i dont like being vulnerable as it exposes me to hurt feelings and because i overthink it i start rejecting myself before others can.  its real to me thats the problem.

i meant when i say you shouldnt worry about it is of the writing ive seen you dont have a negative hand at all and write elegantly in a capturing way.

you can always send it too moderators first for email before posting or add content warning i think its mainly selh harm alive not subjects and wording thayts to be mindfulm of.

you started this thread why not keep this one going and you can always post your Faith & ngod writings on both threads too

i have to get onto sharing with you do you mind if i put it in here?

wasn't on at all yesterday i posted on Wednesday night and was getting a bit defensive and cagey about something i had to calm myself down and use some tools i learned from DBT end of the day im only working myself up and we are all allowed our opinions and theres always taking something out of context to consider so yeah

how are you?

inner child sounds interesting & i look forward to reading 😊